No Homo

10

tap tap tap

I, Jackson Dyer, am gay. 

Maybe not gay specifically, but I fall somewhere in the LGBT+ community. 

Basically, I'm not straight. No matter how hard I try to convince myself, it's just not true. I'm gay, and I'm broken. So fucking broken. 

The guy who made me realize who I am, is the very guy who is tearing me apart. It's hard to even look at him. 

Which is why, as I sit here in the cold, school library, our usual, casual tutoring sessions are now a myth of the past. I don't feel calm like I normally do, I feel like Im about to break down. I can't even look at his face, which is why I suppose Ive been staring at my lap since he got here. 

tap tap tap

"Can you stop tapping your fucking pen," My head snaps to Liam, looking at him for the first time this evening. His face immediately turns white. He quickly drops the pen causing it to roll off the desk and onto the floor. 

I'm sorry. 

I can't tell him I'm sorry because I'll probably start crying, but I am sorry. My emotions are all over the place, and I can't explain why. Ive never felt so...bipolar? No, more like confused. Like all my emotions are jumbled inside my body and they don't know how to escape. 

"Do you hate me?" Liam's small voice questions. My demeanor instantly softens as I look at the small, fragile boy in front of me. 

Do I hate him? Absolutely not. Should I lie and tell him I hate him? Possibly. 

It would make things easier. He would probably stop talking to me and I wouldn't have to look at him and that...man anymore. 

But I can't do that to Liam. I can't lie to Liam and tell him that I hate him when I actually really like him. I can't be selfish and hurt his feelings just to make my life a bit easier. That's not who I am, and it's definitely not who I want to become. 

"If you hate me because I'm gay, I'm sorry, but I can't change it." His voice is soft and calm like he's practiced saying that sentence a million times. I watch with my sad eyes as Liam pulls on the sleeves of his hoodie, a normal thing for him to do when he's nervous. 

He's undeniably adorable.

"I don't hate you. I was just surprised." I say plainly, after carefully thinking about my words to ensure I don't slip up and make a fool of myself. Liams thin, pink lips pull into a small smile as his freckled nose scrunches up slightly. He lets out a small laugh, barely audible, before lowering his head, hiding behind his long hair. 

He looks like he has a sense of hope inside him. Hope that our friendship will remain as normal, and as much as I want it to, I don't think it can. I can't look at him the same anymore. Every time I see him I just envision that man and him. That man holding him and kissing him. That man taking care of him and giving him a future.  

Im just a boy, how am I supposed to compete with a man?

"Lee," I breathe out, staring at the table, unable to look at the perfect boy in front of me, "I don't think we should talk anymore. Please don't text me." 

Quickly I grab my book bag off the floor and exit the library as quickly as possible, avoiding eye contact with everyone in there. I don't stay to see Liam's reaction. I don't stay to answer any questions he may have, because I don't know the answers myself.

 I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't know how I fell in love with him so quickly. Or maybe it's not love I feel, and I'm just desiring something I know I can't have. I'm clueless about everything and I can't handle any of it. 

I quickly walk to the closest bathroom and roughly enter as quickly as possible. I swiftly reach the skinks and turn on the cold water to splash my suddenly hot face. 

"Hey babe, I'm assuming it didn't go well." My head immediately snaps to my best friend, who is leaning against one of the bathroom walls, watching my breakdown with a smirk. 

"Obviously not, shit face. I couldn't even look at him." I shut the water off and loosened my grip on my backpack, letting it fall to the floor. I walk to the wall Seth is leaning on and lay my back against the cool surface. 

As childish and humiliating as it is, I made Seth stay after school with me today for moral support. Though he's annoying, he's my best friend and he always cheers me up. 

"You can always date me," Seth says bluntly, sending a wink. I can't help but chuckle as I send a playful punch to his arm, causing him to let out a fake 'ow'. 

"See Jackson, you don't need a boy to be happy." Seth's voice softens and so does his expression. I gently lean my head on my best friend's shoulder as I stare blankly in front of me. 

"God damn." Seth laughs. My eyebrows quickly furrow together as I lift my head up slightly to look at his face. 

"What?" I question.

"Well for one, put your head back on my shoulder, bitch. And for two, you're fucking boy crazy. I mean, you've only come out as gay to yourself like not even a week ago." 

I let out a laugh as I listen to his instructions and lie my head back in its original position. 

"I just believe in love at first sight, that's all." I sigh after a few moments of comfortable silence.

Silence fills the air once more, as my tired, sad eyes slowly drift shut. 

"Me too, Jackson. Me too."