My Demons [misc book]

gender, a hopefully-informative ramble

**NOTE: all language I use here to describe gender and how I feel is language that I feel comfortable using to describe myself. I know that not all trans/nonbinary people feel the same, so don't assume all are okay with the same language**

So, I'm sure many of you have noticed by now that I have two names and sets of pronouns in my bio.

I figure now is as good a time as any to talk about why that is, and what it means.

I've already mentioned this to a few people, but for a while after I changed my bio I wasn't fully comfortable talking about it yet. Now I am.

So, long story short: I'm genderfluid.

What does that mean? Well, it means that my gender fluctuates, sometimes from day-to-day, and sometimes on a more weekly basis. I was born a girl, given a girl's name, and for a good portion of the time, I feel like a girl. So, when I do, I use the name Ema, and she/her pronouns.

Sometimes, though, I do not feel like a girl. Sometimes, I'd give anything for my chest to be flat, for my features to be more masculine, for my body to reflect how I feel: like a boy. When I feel like this, I use the name Magnus, and he/him pronouns. This happens about twice a week on average, maybe a little more depending. I wear baggy sweatshirts and try to subtly deepen my voice and change the way I walk.

And sometimes, I feel like neither a girl or a boy. I feel like gender is stupid, and I don't have one. On these days, I'm okay with either name or pronouns, it doesn't matter.

So, if you look at it from a certain perspective, I have three genders: girl, boy, and agender. I'm a girl a good portion of the time, but I'm not enough that it causes me distress, and I used to feel terrible about it.

It took me four years to figure out my gender, and sometimes I still wonder if I've got it right. But for the most part, I know that this is who I am, and I'm happy with it. Genderfluid is the right word for me, and since online is pretty much the only place I can really be myself, I figured it was time I explain what's up with that.

Now, I'm not going to expect y'all to know what gender I'm feeling. Call me either name, and I'll correct you if I'm really not what you've used. It's okay. I just wanted to explain, so that you all know, and maybe help someone who feels the same but doesn't know what words to use.

If you have any questions at all about this, feel free to ask! I'm no expert, but I can answer questions about my personal experience.

Update (12/2/20): I no longer use she/her pronouns or feel comfortable being addressed as a girl. I still have feminine days, but I am not a girl, and use they/them pronouns along with the name Ema. It's taken me a long time to realize that I never truly feel comfortable as a girl, so please respect this. Thank you.

Another Update (3/24/21): I have been using Magnus more often than Ema, and have come to realize that genderfluid may not be the right term anymore. I might post more about this later, but atm I am transmasculine nonbinary