I Can Get It Back

I See No Soul in the Mirror, Only See Signs of Demise Getting Nearer

Rose was looking at her with a pensive expression. Rey felt better having told someone the truth at last, to give Ben proper due for his part in defeating the Emperor, rather than remain hated across the galaxy. She fought the urge to tell everyone, both sides, what Ben had done for them. And for her. But she wasn't prepared yet to accept how it would change the way she was viewed, particularly if it led to her lineage coming out.

People saw her as a beacon of hope, she had been told in every briefing, on every mission, through every interaction with the common folk of the galaxy. To take that away from them, even now that there had been a victory and hope was restored, was not something she could do. It had been difficult enough to come to terms with the fact that the legendary Luke Skywalker was an isolationist old man, grappling with his own monumental failure. The stories told about him now praised his facing off with the entire First Order, unaware of this truth about himself. People needed stories of hope. She understood that need comprehensively and was prepared to sacrifice her own desires in the face of it. Even as it had steadily worn her down and made her long for an escape.

"I think we'd better talk to Poe. And Finn," Rose said quietly.

"Why?"

"We're your friends, Rey. You shouldn't have had to bear this on your own. Why don't you stay here and I'll go get them. If that's okay?"

Rose paused in the doorway, giving Rey a chance to say no. Or to escape while she was gone. The thought was tempting, but she didn't think she would ever get over this if she fled. A nice retiring life was appealing on some level – being a fugitive from the New Republic was not. She'd been hiding her whole life from her past and she didn't want to spend her future the same way. If they didn't understand, if they wanted her to leave when they found out the truth – well, that wouldn't be unexpected. Then she could leave and be satisfied in the knowledge that no one would come looking for her.

Rey headed to the communal area of the Falcon and sat down, trying to make herself comfortable but unable to keep from fidgeting. She was going to tell them everything – about Ben, about herself, about the Emperor. Even if it meant losing her only friends... Her heart clenched at the thought and she stood up abruptly, stopping herself before she could race to the cockpit. Rose would probably keep her secret if she fled, but there was no path forward that guaranteed she wouldn't be alone. She ached with emptiness.

For weeks, she had been hiding the truth about everything and, more importantly, her own feelings about the events of the last year. She was so tired of hiding, of denying herself everything. That was the way it had always been, ignoring her own needs and fixating on the hope that her parents would return for her. That she had been loved and this separation was necessary. That it wouldn't go on forever and someday she would be reunited with them.

But they were dead. She had always known that, deep down. Buried it as soon as she realized it must be the case because she would have given up on everything otherwise. There would be no reason to get up in the morning, to work her fingers to the bone all day, to beg for scraps from a cruel master. Without the hope that her parents would return, there would be nothing for her. So she had clung to that with a single-minded focus for fifteen years.

She couldn't do that anymore. She couldn't go back to that naïve hope that someday she would be important, cared for, loved. Not now, when she knew what those things were actually like. The reality of having friends and being a hero of the New Republic made her meager dreams of heroic adventures pale in comparison. She couldn't go back to living in isolation, imagining when she had not been alone. Even the memories would be too hard to bear. That was why she had to leave Tatooine and why she was a fool to think she could ever have stayed there.