I Can Get It Back

Choose the Destination But That Bridge Must Be Crossed

Part III: Acceptance

Rey knelt, defeated, on the ground, thinking of all the things she had done to Ben. All the ways she had hurt him, intentionally or not. There was no reason to bring him back if it would only make him suffer. The worst part was that he would never even tell her of his suffering. He would serve her, love her, give himself for her, and never allow her to return the favor. He'd let her desire for him to be part of the New Republic take over his life, even if it might be the last thing he would want. She wasn't here to bring him back so he could atone for what he had done.

For weeks, she had lost sleep and ate little, unable to overcome the blow of his loss. Part of her soul was missing and she wanted it back. That was what had brought her to this planet of death, she had thought. But maybe it wasn't that simple. She had needed to bring Ben back. Not for herself, not because his absence was an inescapable cavity in her life, but because she was guilty. She was the reason he was gone. She was the one who needed to atone.

She had gone to Tatooine to try to escape the guilt, or maybe make up for it in some small way. It hadn't been for Luke or Master Leia, not really, but because she had hoped serving them would make up for what had happened to the last scion of their house because of her. But that had done nothing to lessen her remorse. So she had returned to the Resistance.

But then all anyone spoke of in the New Republic was the evil of the First Order and of Kylo Ren, and how wonderful it was that he was gone. They spoke little of Leia or Luke, and only in reverent tones. And she hated that reverence, understanding who they were as people and how they, like her, had let Ben Solo down. They had let him down but history remembered them as heroes and him as a terrible villain who deserved his fate.

Maybe bringing him back would set the record straight, she had thought, as she had grown increasingly frustrated with the injustice of it all. If he were here, he could prove to everyone that he was a good man and a good leader. That being on the Dark Side had gone against every authentic part of himself, and that he had only done what he thought he had to do. Maybe then they would understand like she did.

Now that she was here, on the cusp of returning him to the living world, she hesitated. Because what if her shadow self was right? What if he was happier here, kept away from having to defend himself from anyone's wrong impressions of him? Safe from the pain he had endured while alive? Finally at peace?

But what if she was wrong?

"He is here because of me. It doesn't matter what he does with his life after he leaves with me, or even if he leaves. But I am the reason he is stuck in this place, and it's my responsibility to give him a way out. To give him the choice," she added firmly.

"And what if he doesn't want to see you ever again?"

Rey got to her feet. "Then he doesn't have to. But he can do whatever he wants to do, be who he wants to be. He can live."

"Good."

The Dark version of herself disappeared abruptly and Rey frowned in confusion. The feeling didn't last long because she heard footsteps and whirled around to see a shadow approaching.

"Ben!" she cried, running to him.

"Rey," he answered in that soft way of his. "It's really you, isn't it?"

"Yes, of course." She looked up at him with tears of relief in her eyes, absolutely certain that this was no vision – he was here at last. Impulsively, she reached out to wrap her arms around him and was comforted when he immediately responded, pulling her closer. Like he had when she had kissed him. She wanted to kiss him again but didn't want to move from his gentle embrace.