Blood Moon

part 36

Amy's point of view

John didn't return. The half-hour turned into an hour, the clock started to worry. Two hours. Definitely something wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
I know what's wrong. But. I don't want it. Don't want it. It. Her. She's done this. I know she has its all her. Everything. Conner. John. Arron.
Me.
It's all confused and the clock has started to smile.
I would smile back.
But I am the ice queen. School, when I went to school, weeks ago, not a lifetime ago my life's still here to live.
I wouldn't smile. Because to smile at people would let them get close. To get close is to trust again.
I had friends, and they turned like the seasons, predictable, I should've seen it coming people always turn.
They ruined me. And so instead of fires, heat and smiles, I became an ice queen. Queen of cold whose friends were just as cold the dead ghosts of trees. Pages. Words.
Long since hot of the press.

And I was an idiot. I let her get close, so close her burning smile melted me away. Not just defences but skin and bones.
Who knew sarcasm, anxieties, fears, emotions, every thought and whisper and cut, had such a low melting point.
I didn't. Does she?

I'm an idiot. The only thing I feel is her, and something like the ghost of love. Love is too deep, not good, not bad but deep, to be burned away completely. Did she know that?
That's the only thing I can hold on to, that. Dead, no it's past dead. Haunting, haunting love.
I can see that one clearly. The others aren't here.

Why does the clock keep smiling at me?

I heard her before I saw her, the door opening, but not closing. John always closed the door. I knew then it was her, her breaths trying to mask a sob. I knew too well that sound. I should be afraid, I should be. My hands should be trembling and I should be looking for a way out. I could jump from my window, it's not high enough to even hurt me. I decided that a week ago.

But I stayed. Staring at the smiling clock.

"Amy" thousands and thousands of words in those three letters. Broken seams sewed together with the thousands of threads.
It was almost like it was before. So long ago, nose in a book sat under a tree sick of her questions. Lies. That wasn't her. The girl I fell for watching titanic. The girl that made me smile in a little secret world.
A time when vampires were the things of twilight, kidnapping the things of the news, ransoms of the rich kids. And love didn't mean this.

"Amy my god Amy. I love you"
She did. I didn't doubt the fact she loved me, or I love her. It was just her love was all twisted, tainted by the years of loneliness. If I had withdrawn so far into myself, cutting myself off from the world after just a few years, who could blame her.

I love her. But, I cannot, cannot let myself submit. A vampire, hers forever. Never escaping this mind of mine. I can't.
Just a little longer. Pretend that my mind isn't completely destroyed for a little longer. Pretend that there is no coming back from this for me.
It's just a matter of time.

"Please Amy come with me" she begged. I want to. But I can't. I can't. I can't.
"Emily. Please. Don't. Please." I wanted time to turn anti-clockwise. Past, past the point of no return yes but back to the past when lines were clear cut and questions weren't should I can I but about my favourite colour.
"Amy. We've got to. You're dying. He was killing you, they all were. This is my only chance to save you. So we can be together. Like things were. Watch titanic again, eat popcorn. We can even watch the Twilight movies and laugh about how shit they are. We can do anything and everything. Cook any meal travel anywhere. A love so bright the stars will cry. Please Amy"

I couldn't I knew. But I also needed her. My love, the only person I can love now because of the way her smile has cut my chest, only she fits now.
I gripped her in a hug, a violent hug that shook us both. Her sobs, my shakes. Joined together in some confused way.
All those books about love, none mentioned this one. Because this is the love they're too afraid to admit exists, where the one who is killing you is the only person you can love.
I broke off. I backed away, towards the open window, it wasn't high enough to hurt me if I was to jump feet first. But to fall, head first, would surely kill me.
I smiled at her. She came to me believing my goodbye to mean yes.
It didn't.
She screamed as I fell, forcing myself out the window as she tried. Tried.