Blinded By Love | COMPLETED

Chapter 26

[ Alyys ]

I can't take my eyes off him as he slowly puts down the bag. I can see the sweaters and shirts hanging out of the sides, making it look like he was in a hurry and just pushed everything into the bag. That was probably what happened. He didn't want to see me, he just wanted his stuff back.

Well, here I am Justin. Alive and breathing. I might be broken but I'm not dead yet.

It stays silent for a long time. Way too long. You can feel the tension in the air and if there would be an audience, they would all be nervously talking with each other right now. I slowly close the door behind me and I take a step into the living room.

"Hey, Alyys."
His voice sounds like it is about to break. I have never heard it this fragile before and I'm scared that whatever I will say will break it.

I have never seen him cry, ever. I can tell when he's sad but he had never let it take him over. Being vulnerable isn't something that he does or shows. He's a tough guy who can take anything. At least that's what people think. I don't say anything back. Not yet.

I know my voice will shatter, I know I will run into his arms and tell him to please stay. That I can't live without him. But I have to stay strong, I can't let the feelings win this time.

Everything about this place takes me back. His eyes have the same look they had in the bathroom. His voice fragile and startled, the same tone it had when I opened the door. Maybe I should have knocked first. Maybe I should have waited a few seconds, listening first. I should have turned around when I heard soft whispers and mumbles, my brain knowing what was going on.

But I was too curious. I couldn't resist it. It was almost like I wanted to see what was going on, tell myself that what I thought was going on, was all a lie. But it wasn't. It was the truth. The truth where I was too blind for to see.

My body gets overflowed with emotions and I'm not sure if I can keep them all inside. I can feel the anger becoming bigger and bigger. Tears are filling my eyes as I stare at the man in front of me. The man I love so much, and now all I can feel when I look at him is anger.

It is almost like my brain has pushed on the pause button, letting my heart run my body for this time. I don't care how messed up I look or what he thinks right now. Without me even noticing it, my feet have already moved my body towards his, my hand raising and I can feel a sudden burning feeling on my hand. I stare at him and he presses his hand against his cheek.

Normally I would feel bad and ask him if he is okay, but he deserves it. He deserves to feel pain because I don't think he knows in how much pain I am.

"Alyys,"
He starts and looks at me, his eyes confused. I raise my hand again and shush him. My breathing becomes heavier and tears are running down my cheeks at this point.

"Do you have any idea how I feel? You really think you can just walk in this house, expecting everything to be alright?!"
I didn't even notice how I suddenly started to yell at him. He tries to talk again but I continue.

"It is not alright, Justin! I can't stand looking at you, making it look like everything is alright!"
I take a few steps forward and grab his wrist. He drops the bag and I see him reaching for my other hand.

My body is craving for his touch. It is almost screaming at him, needing to feel his skin touching mine. I want his fingers to brush through my hair, his fingertips running up and down my arms. The craving is so bad that I stop for a moment, letting his hand touch mine, feeling a shiver run down my spine. But it doesn't matter how badly I want this right now, he needs to leave. Forever.

I pull my hand away and start to mumble things, to myself and to him. I pull on his arm, causing him to take a few steps before he stands still again. I move behind him but he turns around with me.

And then I snap. I can't handle it anymore. The fact that he doesn't do anything besides just standing there makes me insane. I can feel myself being overwhelmed by everything and it feels like I just broke in two. I start to scream, yell, telling him that he needs to leave this house. How he broke me, how he broke my heart in a million pieces and that I never wanted to see him again.

I let go of him and take a few steps back. I let every thought and feeling that I felt last night and the days, weeks, even months before that come out. I knew something was going on. I knew it from the start. How could I be so stupid?

My sadness turns into anger. My hands turn into fists. My body goes into fight mode and I start screaming again. I'm not a fighter and I don't want to hurt him, but my body completely just took over. My fists punch against his chest, pushing and trying to hit him harder every time they hit him again. All I can do at this point is yell and cry.

My words become unintelligibly and slowly they become softer and softer. Eventually, I just cry, my fists still hitting him but not as hard anymore. My legs suddenly feel like they are made out of jelly and I can feel how my body is tired. Tired of needing to carry around all this weight that has been resting on my since I knew something was off.

My vision is completely blurred and I don't even try to wipe away the tears. They just keep coming. Two strong hands suddenly grab my wrists and try to stop me from hitting Justin. I try to resist but I'm too tired, my body is too tired.

I let the weight of my arms rest in his hands. My head softly rests itself against his chest as I only start to cry even harder. All the pain and heartbreak comes out once again. I wish I could tell him what he did to me, but there are no words in the English language that can describe the feeling that I have right now.

My body becomes heavy and I slowly move to the ground. First, on my knees, my hands still being held. My hair had fallen in front of my face and teardrops fell on the ground. Eventually, I just let myself sit down and Justin slowly sat down next to me.

I wanted to push him away, to tell him that he needed to leave me alone. But deep down I knew he was the one I needed right now. His arms slowly picked me up and put me on his lap, holding me close. I shake my head and try to move away from him but he managed to keep me right where I was. He knew I needed him now, even though I didn't want to admit it. My head softly rests against his shoulder and I close my eyes, the tears still streaming down my face.

I am tired.
I am so tired. My body, my mind, everything feels so heavy. My heart is the heaviest of all. I can feel how the little pieces that had a little life in them left, slowly started dying. I can feel a painful pressure appearing on my chest, growing bigger and bigger every time a little piece dies.

I don't want to feel like I'm dying, not yet. I am young. I should be living my life, going out with friends and making the best of my last teen years. I shouldn't be heartbroken. But I am and there is nothing that can fix it.

His smell and touch make me only more tired than I already was. I just want to sleep. I want to sleep until I feel better again. My eyes become heavy and I can feel my body shiver from all the crying.

It is the worst feeling, how your body reacts to you crying too hard and too much. How you need to gasp for air, how you can't control your voice. How your throat will burn and your eyes will eventually become dry, acting like all the tears were never there. Your cheeks will stay wet for way too long, reminding you every time how you felt a few moments ago.

I want to tell him so much more but I can't. I can't get anything out of my mouth so I just keep quiet. It is better for both of us. His soft playing with my hair eventually makes me fall into a deep sleep.

It wasn't a peaceful sleep, even though I laid in his arms. It was filled with nightmares from the past, the present and the future. It made me scared but I know I am safe in his arms. The arms that held me every time I had a nightmare.

The arms that held many more women. Not just me.