ʟɪꜰᴇ ꜱᴛᴜᴅɪᴇꜱ || ᴊ.ᴡʏ + ᴄ.ꜱ

Chapter 38

"You want me to go with you?"

Hongjoong called me early this morning as soon as I woke up, knowing I would end up going to the airport.

"You don't have to come with me if you don't want to..," I said hoping he would offer again, thinking it might not be as terrible if he comes with me.

"San-i I wouldn't offer if I didn't want to. I want to for you, not for him." 

We agreed to meet at my car after Soojin got on the bus.

 I sat in the kitchen with Soojin eating pancakes when my mom came out of the guest room. Soojin put her hand on top of mine and whispered, "..don't fight."

My mom came and stood in front of me, looking apologetic. We watched each other silently. She went to touch my face but pulled away, dropping her hand back down to her side.

"My baby," she looked up at the ceiling to keep from crying. We both had a habit of sealing up our emotions. "-please forgive your omma...I was wrong, everything was wrong."

Soojin finished her pancakes and went quietly to her room.

"San-i...I respect you and your decisions. I just want a happy family.." She sat next to me where Soojin had been sitting and looked at me, waiting for me to say something.

I wasn't feeling angry or hurt anymore...I could never, and still can't, stay upset with her. She's the only parent I have, at least in my mind. The only one that loves me more than anyone else.

"Thank you for saying that...and for trying to understand me. I should get Soojin to the bus but I love you omma, a lot." Standing up, I pulled her in for a quick hug and rushed to get Soojin to take her down to the bus. I was glad I had a reason to leave the sappy environment, not really wanting to dwell too much. Those situations make me a little uncomfortable.

Hongjoong was waiting beside my car for me like he said he would after the bus came. We both got in and just sat silently, mentally preparing to meet with my father.

Hongjoongs hair was a strawberry color at the moment and I knew my father would have something to say about it. He's never been a fan of anything that looks out of the ordinary so basically anything colorful. My blonde hair would be an issue too. I bleached my hair once in high school and he made me shave my head into a military cut and die it black again. 

And being gay...my father views it as being a loser. But honestly, I feel like, in his eyes, he's the only acceptable one on the earth. 

Just thinking about what this meeting would be like made me tense up. Meeting him as an adult....would it be any different?

As we drove there, I thought about the very last time I saw my father.

My mom had called and said she wanted to visit and bring over some food but secretly brought my father along with her. 

We had just moved into a house of our own. Soojin was 4 then and I had just turned 19. I knew when I saw him at my door that my mom had tricked him into coming with her since he would never come willingly. He never does anything he doesn't want to do.

He stood at my front door, his eyes cold, and looked past Nana, who had opened the door, and at me, looking me up and down, judgingly, like I was a piece of trash. He walked in and stopped when he stood right in front of me.

"Don't look at me like that," my father spoke with no emotion, "You're not my business anymore. I don't need someone like you dragging me down." 

My face must've shown how much I thought I needed him. All I wanted was a father that cared, one that saw my worth. From him, there was no chance.