𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘥𝘧𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳

𝑰𝑿

I watched the welcoming ceremony of the Colemans from the stained kitchen window, for I saw no need in attending it. I was, to every extent of the word, invisible to everyone, knowing such I preferred to say in the kitchen, and watch from afar.

I drew a story in my mind, a tragedy coming from their miserable selves, their faces torn by agony, lost their usual glimmer, I saw. Mrs. Coleman, who was once the ideal image of a blooming rose, the perfect lady every woman passing on the street will raise her daughters to become like, was now a dying flower in front of me, the petals falling one by one until there's nothing left to admire, and Mr. Coleman, so torn by the state of his wife, was drowning in his own doubled pain.

It was then, when my eyes drifted away, when my heart nearly lost its pulse. I saw flashes of red flying around the back of the garden, away from that crowd of misery, and all it took was a single moment, an unconscious glance, to make out the small figure behind the trees, with her immense smile, the one that, too surprisingly, grew to terrify me.

I saw her like a shadow, in the back where the sun couldn't reach, forgotten and away from all, and in the moment my eyes rested on her, her little figure was all I could see. Whatever attention I had to focus on something, was poured on her effortlessly, and I knew by heart that she saw me too.

Panic had spread through me, I had no idea how to function. I couldn't think of a single thing to do, and yet I could think of a thousand possibilities that could happen, in a blink.

It was almost planted in my head, Mrs. Coleman suddenly turning her head around, her eyes wandering around the garden that she'd long abandoned, and all it takes her is moment of focus to spot the intruder in the trees, and she'd panic. Not knowing what else to do, she'd immediately tell her husband, who'd seem lost and confused before he looks in that direction, and if it isn't too cruel, Louisa figures out that she's been caught, and runs away, so all Mr. Coleman would see is still bushes. But if it can't get any worse, Louisa doesn't notice, and so all that's left is Mr. Coleman's hands, to forgive and let go, or to take things seriously and lose his gift of mercy. It all happened before my eyes in slow motion as Mr. Coleman was shaking hands, too tired to offer a smile.

It was a sense of fear too new for me to recognize, it wasn't clear to me what to fear most, fear for her falling in the unmerciful hands of Mr. Coleman, or fear for my pitiful self once confronted with what I'd been doing and hiding for days, and in such case there would be no room for mercy. But, hidden somewhere in me, it was the fact that somehow our paths might not cross again after today that terrified me most of all.

Though, so truthfully I must say, I hoped not to see her. I'd been trying to wash that gentle trace of thoughts she left on me, and the sight of her wasn't a hand of help. I adored seeing her smile grow, her face becoming a piece of the sun, but I knew one mustn't surrender to one's floating admirations. I knew she had no intention to, but she was causing great anguish to my heart, and I had no idea how to fight such light desire when seeing her. My visit to the church brought me relief, yes, but the sight of her erased all relief left from my visit, for everything rushed back to my mind, a war between the joy I felt to see her once more, and the knowledge of the wrong I did and may or may not hesitate to do again, and I wished to have a way to brush it all away, like the ocean washing the shore so gently.

It was almost as if I were lost in what to do, and lacking the knowledge of a solution, an impulse to do only a single thing, so I let it be as it must be. So careless of the results my actions would cause, I ran out of the kitchen with speed that hindered my feet, almost planting my face into the ground. I grabbed my unsettled gown and let my feet, shakingly, take me in the direction of where she stood, feeling as the cold air of that February day hit my bare face like needles.

As I was a few feet away, I saw on her face a hint of concern, confusion even. In the distance, I gave a silent gesture for her to hide, hoping that no one else caught glimpses of it but her, and hoping she understood what I was meant to say. And then I stood there, looking in that direction blankly, as if I were resting my eyes on an endless path.

"Pauline! What in heavens is that?" Breaking the silence, Mrs. Perkins voice sounded so heavy with disbelief, unpleasantly surprised. As my eyes roamed across their faces, one by one, they were all frozen in a position of ultimate shock, staring at me like lifeless statues with a hint of terror forming in a tint of red across their faces. That was no act of a lady.

"Forgive me, I just thought I saw something unusual in the bushes, seemingly I must be mistaken." There was a lost balance in my attempts to catch a breath and speaking, seemed as if my lungs could not be filled with all the air that covers the planet. My words were parted, as I desperately tried to find the air to breathe, which didn't fail to add more awkwardness to the current situation.

But I must say, it worked. There was no attention to be drawn to her any longer, as the welcoming ceremony went on, yet still, the fear of the inevitable lurked through me.

_________

The path was clear, no sight of the carriage or anyone who stood witnessing the ceremony was to be seen, and I was, apart from the figure I knew was lurking deep into the shadows of the trees, alone.

I made my way to where I knew she stood, with firm steps. I was not entirely certain of the nature of my feelings at the moment, somewhere inside I was mad, for reasons that seemed to be concealed, maybe for I was embarrassed to protect her, or maybe just mad at my own self for having such puzzled emotions. I was concerned, living in the effect left behind by my previous fear, scared of what will happen next. I was feeling the guilt, the pleasure, the desire, the disappointment, everything I was meant to erase, it was simply the sight of her, like a seed, growing a thousand feelings into my being.

"Thanks, I must say. I was certainly foolish, but I hadn't the faintest idea of this welcoming, though I'm glad your master arrived safely." She spoke, so many things at once, and I on the other hand still needed preparation. I seemed to have swallowed my own words when I stood before her, but I knew, something was meant to be said, and with such lost courage like mine, it's an impossibility.

"Look, I need to talk to you, but maybe it'll be best later, so I'm sorry to waste your visit. Meet me here, at ten." I was so scared to hear my own trembling words, none of this felt right, not one bit.

She nodded in response with a little smile, not a happy one I could tell. I had no energy to speak to her for much longer, I was drained, and I had a lot of thinking ahead of me, a lot of regret, a lot of longing. So I abandoned her at where she stood, and made my way back in with my eyes shut tight, trying not to think of the conversation I was about to have that very night.