The Story of my Life . (based on a true story)

Chapter 19- Am I Pretty?

I needed to feel pretty. With my oval shaped face and a fruit-shaped body, I wasn't feeling it at all. I saw all of these girls my age on Instagram and twitter and it made me feel so insecure about myself. They're the same age as me, yet I can't even be compared to how beautiful they look. Boys go all over them, they have thousands of likes on their pictures and people seem to appreciate them more than anyone has appreciated me in my entire life.

And then I noticed something which all of them have in common. Or wear in common.

Makeup.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I have never actually worn makeup. Except for special occasions like a wedding or something important, my mother would smudge light powder on my face and draw a tiny line of black ink on my eyelids. That was it.

My mother was never fond of makeup because she said it will ruin my skin. She used to tell me that you will have breakouts and red spots on your face if you apply too much makeup. Especially on mine, since I'm gifted with sensitive skin. How wonderful.

But that did not stop me from wearing makeup, at all.

Again, I wanted to feel pretty.

I started wearing light pressed powder. Then it went on to smudging thick lines of eyeliner and smearing light pink lipstick. At that moment, I kind of felt pretty. You may think I'm ridiculous as you're reading this but no one can ever take that sense of satisfaction when I walked out of the house and felt confident. I felt confident of my face and I felt accepted by society. It was a proud moment for me, even though, deep inside, I knew this isn't who I am.

However, to think that just one hurtful remark can tear your confidence into millions of broken glass, and all that you had felt and needed came crashing down just by that one thing. It was tormenting.

People started comparing myself to my mother.

My mother was in her mid 40s, yet she aged no less. She had a flawless skin complexion, the thick brows that needed no change and that perfect nose structure that every girl seemed to appreciate. She was beautiful in every way possible and it would be a chore to find a flaw on her. I was happy for her but sometimes I wonder why I didn't have the same facial features like her too. I was her daughter after all.

People started saying I looked older than my mother. Well that can be looked upon in various different ways. I can take it as a compliment and say "at least they aren't saying I look like a baby" or I can take it as a negative remark and say "I am ugly".

I took the negative remark and it broke me even more. My mother seemed to ignore the fact of how much it hurt me and continued smiling whenever someone told her that. On the other hand, society felt the need to constantly press on the fact that I was lacking beauty. There was once my mother and I went shopping and she spotted her old friend of hers. Their conversation went like this,

"Is that your daughter? She looks so big now!"
My mother smiled and gave her a nod. That lady then went on to put my insecurity at a whole different level by saying,

"No one can be compared to your mother's beauty. She has such a big child yet she looks like she just turned twenty."

I can't help it but sometimes wish that my mother looked her age. It was so ridiculous to think of that but I had no other choice. Complete strangers would say I look like my mum's elder sister. Far relatives would often comment saying things like

"Is that your younger sister beside you?"
"Wow you have such a big child? I thought you were younger"
"You're her mother?!! I thought you were her younger sister!"

Cringe.
Damn it.
Damn society's definition of 'pretty'.

I went back to square one thinking I was ugly again. I felt so jumbled up and I wasn't thinking straight. My mum didn't like it when they kept assuming she was younger but she didn't actually care to think how I felt.

I would lay in my bed, curing myself for every flaw that I had. I would cry myself to sleep every night, silently wishing that I could be deemed as 'pretty'. How does it like to feel pretty? Does it feel like you're on cloud nine comment 'beautiful' or 'face goals' or 'flawless' on every photo you upload on the internet? I yearned for that feeling, all I ever wanted was to be pretty. I would wake up every morning and the first thing I did was to look at myself in the mirror to check if I looked any prettier than yesterday- in hopes God accepted my prayer.

Why is being pretty so difficult? Why can't every girl in this world feel pretty?

Why do we have to have a lighter skin shade to feel accepted? Why are darker shaded girls wearing tons of skin lightening powder so they can feel accepted by society? So that they will look 'fair' when they post a picture of themselves on Instagram or feel like people will call them pretty when doing commercials or acting in a TV show?

Why do we have to constantly emphasize the beauty in having a tigh gap? What's wrong with my tighs being best friends? They like to stick together, well I didn't tell them to. They just do. Why can't girls be who they are the way God created them to be? I feel so obliged and exhausted by the same society telling me to stay pretty, the same society that rejects plastic surgery and considers it to be "fake". The same society that critics girls who have spots on their face and call them "unsuitable", the same freaking society that makes a girl hate her own face and body.

I can't stress this enough.

To feel pretty is to be yourself.

Go on, wear tons of makeup.
Curl your hair, wear the tightest dress.
Wear those heels and walk outside feeling confident.

But is this who you are?
Do you think you are comfortable with your face, your body, and your clothes?

It's so easy for the society to change the way you perceive yourself. But that society will regard you as "another one of those girls" who changed their image to fit in. They don't care about you or your future. So what's the point of being pretty?

Stop scrolling down your newsfeed feeling insecure about your friends and the girls you follow because they are pretty.

Who knows? They might feel obliged like you are.

Honestly, the world be a boring land if everyone had the same skin tone, the same jaw line, the thick eyebrows, the deep ocean blue eyes, the straight hairline, the perfect contour of the nose and the wavy golden curls that fall just right below your chest.

So go out again.
Tie your hair in a ponytail.
Wear those yoga pants that you have been hiding because your tighs apparently don't match up for it.
Wear your ugliest sweatshirt.
Take off that makeup and embrace your flaws.

The best beauty in life is to be a successful young lady, who is not afraid to tell the world who she really is, and not feel a tiny bit intimidated by society's expectations.

As cliche as this may sound,

"You are pretty, just the way you are".

Have any questions to ask me? Do drop by my asfkm! (Link's on my profile)

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