my thoughts random genuine

april two thousand and twenty

We are under attack by an invisible foe. Originating from the wet wild animal markets of Wuhan, some say from labs, so much fake news and conspiracy theories going around, from bats of caves and belfries. We are currently corralled at home and a transportation and checkpoint lockdown in place, while infected people increase in numbers daily, with no sign of letting up. They call it the COVID19 Virus, the pandemic of our time.

It seems symptomatic of our time, an increasingly godless and materialistic time, the era of smug, smart ass millenials, revolutionaries of every -ism, removal of religion from many schools, garbage media entertainment, thieving politicians, social media pundits who voted for dancing idiots anyway. Tiktok dancing while thousands are dying. An apathetic time. An insensitive time.

An evangelical time.

We need God more than ever.

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My Mother is dying. I'm afraid she won't reach her birthday this June. This lockdown prevents me from getting even a cab to cross another city border to where she is cared for by my brothers. To let her hear my voice. It is piteous, knowing your mother could leave this mortal coil any moment, afraid to walk going and returning for fear of the heat stroke in April summer. My emotional self-denial is warped. I don't have the luxury to weep or breakdown. If I do, a whole flood will follow. Or be angry even. Like her, the hypertension inheritance got her paralyzed by stroke, and me in danger of it. Several times I get a splitting headache just for it, an extra serving of grease and cholesterol.

Why does it have to come to this, Mama. You were as strong as an oak, never wanting help from nobody, insisting you live alone while your daughters have three story residences and living abroad. It boggles me. You could have been taken cared of. They contact me now for possible sharing of burial expenses. What of my brother Bien, who is jobless, where will he stay? Will my wealthier brothers and sisters see to it that you're fed and sheltered?

While others see me as a freeloading loafer cooped up at home while viruses swirl around other cities' idiotically managed containment measures, I am undergoing mental turmoil. Denial is one method, Prayer and Faith in Jesus Christ sustains me and keeps me from chaos.

You do your battles while I do mine.

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My Mother just died. Heaven welcomes Her with Open Arms. Thank You Christ Jesus for welcoming my Mother.

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I pray for her often. I pray to Our Lord Jesus that my Mother would be kept and guarded and escorted and lifted up to Heaven to reunite with my Father, Luis and Pergentina together now after parting ways physically in 1982. In the year 2020, when so many old people rejoined their loved ones, given that dire yet mysterious chance to return to our Heavenly Abode and reunite with God the Creator finally.

I feel a inextricable melancholy and undeniable regret that there was so much lost time and opportunity to have visited and spoken with Mama. This would remind me of my limitation of space, time, and will, and that realistic loss of hearing her and feeling her motherly love in this world. I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year. I don't want to attend no parties this year. I don't want to be funny anymore this year. I don't want to laugh out loud in person this year. I have lost a dear person in this life.

No excuses. No alibis. Admitting my humanity and shortcomings. I can say, work took a chunk of my time. Social media, apps, immediate family, health issues, sibling conflict, domestic environment, logistics, financial woes, emotional problems, anger management issues, stress avoidance, the Chinese Killer Flu 2019, name it, it's not going to change anything, I WAS NOT THERE TO SAY MY FILIAL FAREWELL TO THE WOMAN WHO BORE ME IN HER WOMB!