December 31, 2002

Chapter 4, Autumn: Jordan.....Really, Stop

I wake up Monday morning exhausted as hell. Yesterday feels like ages ago. I couldn't sleep well because I was up all night thinking about him. It feels like everything is the same yet different. Of course I've seen Jordan the past few years, around the halls, some of my classes, etc. But we've never actually talked. We spent every moment of our lives together since the day we were born. Yeah, we even have the same birthday, him being just a few minutes older, always teased me about that. When we drifted, it wasn't even on purpose. We just grew apart, found new friends, new hobbies, new lives. So it was so unexpected when he found me last night after the party, when he held me close and tight. Nothing felt better. Nonetheless, I feel like a fool. Who runs out like that? Coward.
I sit up in bed and grab my phone from my nightstand. As usual, no texts. I don't even know what I have a phone for anymore. Whatever.
I start to pull myself out of bed, except the excruciating pain that comes my way stops me.
"Ugh, please no, not now, not today," I say out loud, rolling myself into a ball.
Mom enters my room and runs over when she sees me curled up on the cold hard ground.
"What's wrong, Autumn?!" she asks worriedly.
"I think it's my period again."
"Aw, it's alright baby, you can sit today out," she says, "I'll grab you an ibuprofen and have you go back to bed." Of course she'd use the word "ibuprofen" instead of "tylenol," being the successful doctor she is.
It's the first day of junior year. How am I supposed to "sit today out." Except I was way too much in pain to object. I crawl back into bed when dad comes in with the tylenol.
"Was that Jordan I heard last night?" What is it with mom and dad asking about him lately?
"Um, yeah."
"Good."
Good? What did he mean by good?
"Why's it good?"
"Oh, he's just a good kid is all."
I wish I still knew him to know if I agree with that or not.
At least mom and dad approve. Not that we'd ever get together, I wouldn't have any chance whatsoever. Or that he'd ever fall for me. Or that I would fall for him.
Did I?
Shit.
But no I can't.
Everyone knows his girlfriend, Coraline. That girl has always been a bitch to me. But I don't blame her.
I know I'm ugly and annoying but I don't need her to tell me that.
I don't need anyone telling me that.

***

Three hours and five cups of hot chocolate later, I find myself bored with nothing to do. I sit on my bed and I get that midnight sensation where you just feel the need to restart everything, paint a masterpiece, start a movement. Except it was only 1 pm in the afternoon and I've been holed up in the house on my own all day. Sometimes I wish I had a baby brother or sister. Like Jordan. Wait, no, I can't be thinking of him right now. No way.
Except that night wouldn't leave my brain. I keep replaying it in my head and I seem to have lost the ability to stop. Why did that night feel so different? Why is he on my mind so much lately?
To try and take my mind off him, I decide to organize my room.
"This is gonna take a while," I sigh. I've never been one for organization outside of school. Seeing my binders, locker, school desk, and then seeing my room, my closet, no one would be able to tell it's the same person's.
I crank up some music from my Spotify playlist as I start to make my bed and the nightstand. I move on to taking down old posters I've had up since forever and never bothered to take down until now. I move on to my closet and take everything out, fold them up, place some stuff on the hangers and put everything back in place. Half an hour later, my closet looks like it was just moved into.
I go on to the last and hardest part. My desk is always full of clutter and random papers I thought I would need at some point, like old receipts, expired coupons, which I obviously never needed. I get rid of all those and put my books on one shelf, textbooks on the one below, and I reserve the farthest one down for my homework eventually. The room's pretty dusty too so I get over my laziness and go grab the wet wipes from the kitchen and start wiping down the desk, closet, nightstand, everything.
I'm even wiping the floor, trying to get into the small vacant area between the desk and wall, I find something in the way when my hand reaches in between. I try moving the desk farther from the wall to reach out and see what it is that's stopping me from moving on with my cleaning. I feel something chunky and pointy in some areas. Oh God, please don't be food! I manage to grab it out and look at it for a second before I realize what it is.
A bracelet.
Not just any bracelet. Me and Jordan's bracelet. The memories start to flood back. I remember it so clearly as if it had just been yesterday, not 12 years ago.
I had broken my leg once, fell down the stairs, just like jordan had said that night, I was clumsy and still am. I was at the hospital for a few days. Jordan and his mom had come to visit us and while our moms were talking, Jordan came over to me and handed me a box. It was a bracelet making kit. I remember how happy I was, how it had been such a relief from all the pain I had felt.
"I thought this would help you feel better, us even," he had said and it was when his mom was pregnant and he went through the classic phase of "are they replacing me" and "what are they going to do with me."
He had made me a bracelet and I made him one. We made it a competition and wanted to see who could make the better one so he went outside so it would be a surprise for what we made. I remember making his with blue and purple beads with some orange here and there. Later, when we were both done and got to see each other, what do you know, we had made the same exact bracelet with the same colours and everything. It's like we read each other's minds.
As I'm sitting on the ground, holding the bracelet in my hands, I realize I had shed a few tears. Oh god. Still in place, wondering how we grew apart so much, how much we changed, how much we stayed the same, I hear the doorbell. Just as Ariana Grande's Break Up With Your Girlfriend, I'm Bored plays, I snap out of my trance and run down the stairs. I open the door without bothering to look through the people and I see Jordan standing on my front porch. Why is he everywhere? Great timing, by the way.
"Hey Autumn."
"Um, hi." What is he doing here?
"You're probably wondering why I'm here," there he goes again, reading my mind. He continues when he finds no response from me "I just came by to drop off an assignment...," he trails off and I wonder why he stopped when I realize he's looking straight at my eyes and that I'm still in my pajamas and my tear-streaked face is in full view with the bracelet still in hand
"Are you alright? Did something happen?" he says worriedly. I contemplate whether I should tell him why my face looks like this or not.
"Just washed my face, is all."
"Doesn't look like it. C'mon Autumn, what's wrong?"
I avoid the question. "What did you come for again?"
"Don't try to change the subject."
"Jordan, I'm fine."
"You're clearly not. Just say it."
I can never get my way, can I? "Okay, Jordan, fine. If you must know, I was just cleaning my room and found something, that's all. Now what assignment?"
"What was it you found that made you cry?"
"I wasn't crying, I just shed a few tears," I retort.
"No, you were clearly crying," he said with a half smile.
"Whatever."
"So what was it?"
I hold up my hand for him to see. He gives me a look of confusion which then turns to recognition and then what looks like a smile.
"Is that.."
"The bracelet you made me 12 years ago, yes," I finish for him, nodding
He looks back at me with surprise and I give him a shaky smile when he returns a full smile with his somehow spotless white teeth and all. "Yeah."
"So what was the assignment?"
"Oh, right, um, just a partner assignment from Mr Eskowirez for english."
"Oh alright. I'm guessing we're partners?" I question.
"Yeah, uhm, assigned," he adds.
Way to remind me I'm never of your choice, Jordan. Except I realize I had said it out and instantly regret it.
"Oh no, I swear that's not what it was, I-"
"No, it's okay, really," not really.
"No Autumn, I know it's not. You don't always have to lie about how you feel. I understand."
"Oh whatever." Now he's telling me what I should and shouldn't do? Wow.
"No, I'm sorry. I really didn't mean it like that," and then he adds, with a sigh, "Okay, I was kidding. They weren't assigned partners."
"Am I a joke to you, Jordan? I know they were assigned. You don't have to lie to make me feel better," two can play that game.
"What..I...No, Autumn..Okay, you know what, it's fine, but for the record, I wasn't lying to make you feel better. Not everyone hates you," he says.
Ha, sure.
"Here's the criteria sheet."
"Thanks."
"Yeah, see you tomorrow morning," he says, "I'll be outside around 9?"
Outside? What the fuck?
"What do you mean?"
"Uh, I'm supposed to give you a ride. Don't you remember?"
Ride? "W-what? You mean like a ride to school?"
"And back."
Is he serious? "You're kidding right?"
"Uh, no, didn't your mom tell you?"
"Uh, no, actually, my mom didn't say anything."
"Oh well, our moms agreed on it, to make your life easier since you don't have a license so.."
"Oh, shut up."
"I'm just saying, usually 16-year-olds get their license because they want to leave the house-" Was that flirting? Were we flirting? Oh no, no, no, he has a girlfriend, no I can't.
"Okay, okay, whatever, thanks, bye Jordan." I interrupt and start to close the door before he stops me.
"Wait," he says, "Are you okay? Feeling better since the other night?"
"Y-yeah, thanks," I stammered. "Bye, Jordan."
"See you in the morning, Autumn."
I close the door behind me and slide down the door with my back to it. I can't be falling for him. I really can't. We're friends. Wait, are we even friends? We haven't hung out in years and a few conversations here and there don't bring us back to how we used to be. And his girlfriend. Like she'd ever let me come anywhere NEAR him. Why do I even think I'm falling for him? And if I really am, why? It's just Jordan. No. There's no such thing as just Jordan. He's Jordan. Formerly, my Jordan. Even his name makes me feel a whole different way. Why does it have to be so complicated? Or maybe it's not and I'm doing all this to myself. Overthinking is my specialty
I look at the sheet in front of me with the assignment criteria and read what it's about. It says:
You and your partner are to write a three to five page short story about the relationship and the kind of connection between the two of you. It can be about friendship, family, frenemies, or even love. Get creative. Due date will be announced but for now, get to know your partner and start brainstorming ideas.
And Jordan chose me for this? Did he choose me before or after he knew what the assignment was? Wait, that means I was on his mind this morning. But no, he didn't choose me, he was lying. We're supposed to do this together now..? This is going to be one heck of an assignment. Never thought I'd ever say that about a school project.