Something Phenomenal

Phenomenal: Twenty

Day 4 back in the hospital

Mamala caught me staring outside the window when she visited me in my room for the day. She came in with a bunch of fresh orchid flowers wrapped in brown paper.

"These are pretty," I tried to smile.

Nilagay niya ang mga ito sa vase. "Namulaklak na sila."

I sat back on my bed, watching Mamala arranged the flowers from her own garden. I sometimes wonder what would she feel if I have to leave this world before her.

"I heard from the nurse you've been crying last night."

Her eyes remained on the flowers because she knew I never really cry in front of anyone, especially after all the things that happened. Because when you are sick, crying brings more pain to the people around you more than the sadness you feel.

"May kinalaman ba ito sa pagpunta ni Shane dito kahapon?"

I placed my palms on the cushion and breathe out. "I did something horrible to him and he hates me now."

Tumigil si Mamala sa pag-aayos ng bulaklak. "He would never do that. Lagi siyang nandyan para sayo."

"That's the thing, Mamala," I whispered. "He's always been by my side even though he has a life of his own. I couldn't let him set it aside because of me."

I bit my lips to prevent the sting on the corner of my eyes. "I know how hard it is to stay by my side and I don't want him to suffer again. He deserves all the best things in this world and I'm not one of those. I'm sick and fragile and may die soon."

Hinawakan ni Mamala ang kamay ko. "Don't say that, Gabby. People loves you."

Umiling ako habang humihikbi. "I can't burden anyone and call it love. Look at me. Kahit ako napapagod sa sarili ko, paano pa kaya ang ibang tao?"

"Hindi kami napapagod sayo."

"Because you're different. Because you have no choice but to love me and sometimes I wish I could give you the freedom from me.... I can still give Shane the freedom from me."

Niyakap ako ni Mamala. "Gabby, everyday is choosing to be with you. Staying by your side doesn't mean we don't have a choice. But we're choosing you over and over despite of everything and I'm sure Shane feels the same way."

Tuluyang tumulo ang luha ko.

Maybe it's the medicines, or the severity of the situation, or the fact that I may no longer be okay. Everything's crushing down on me and I couldn't breathe.

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