What Is and What Should Never Be | Sirius Black

24. The Hufflepuff's Courage

MY EYES HOLD bags larger than a Hippogriff as I make my way to the Gryffindor common room. I don't get much sleep, thinking of what I'm about to do kept me awake for so long I wasn't sure if I was hallucinating the sun coming up or if I had really just stared out the window for that long. The thought of going to talk to Sirius has my breath quickening pace and my skin sweating; planned confrontation is not my thing.

The Lady tells me I don't look too well and I admit that I'm feeling a bit nauseous. I ask a Gryffindor to go get Sirius for me, but after ten minutes of waiting, I assume they forgot. After the second person results in no Sirius, I know he's ignoring me, so I just head in when the next person utters the password.

I know Sirius is here, Remus told me (along with some pointers for talking to him), so the thought that he doesn't want to speak with me doesn't help my light-headedness as I climb the stairs.

I open the door, not knocking because this is important, and I half expect to see a dog in the middle of the room again. Instead, Sirius is laying down on his bed in his pyjamas with his wand as he lazily moves stuff around the air. He turns to me, but no expression crosses his face as I walk in.

The others aren't in the room, meaning I don't know how long we have before any potential interruptions, which only spikes my nerves.

"Hi." I breathe out. "I-I need to talk to you."

Sirius doesn't give me any response, verbal or otherwise, only sits up and rests his feet on the floor, watching me. I take it as a sign to continue.

"I..." But there's so much to say I don't know how to start, and I don't wanna mess it up. I can't mess it up with him again.

"I - I." My head feels weak. "I'm gonna faint."

Sirius raises his eyebrows in concern and I dizzily stumble myself over to Remus' bed, holding my hands out to it in case I fall. Sirius looks like he's ready to catch me if I drop, but I manage to sit down and take a deep breath. My eyes lock on the boy in front of me, there's only a few feet between us, and he looks at me with worry.

"I'm so sorry." I just blurt out. "I'm such a bitch and I didn't even consider how I might be hurting you."

He doesn't say anything, just nods for me to go on. My gaze casts down to the floor.

"Well - er - ugh - you're such an amazing person. I've never met anyone more - like - observant - you take the things your friends say and do and you actually listen to them. And you're not afraid to do what you want and you stand up for what you think is right. And you're so, so pretty, it's unimaginable. A-and you care so much for your friends and go out of your way for them no matter the cost. I just - I feel like I don't deserve to call you my own friend... I never wanted to hurt you, and I was scared for no good reason and I wish there was just a way to make it up to you."

I look up at him to see a small smile playing on his lips. He's amused by my bumbling mess of words, surely.

"You think I'm pretty?" His face pulls a cheeky grin and I flush.

"S-sit on it. I'm trying to apologize." I mumble and he chuckles.

He motions for me to come over to him. On shaky legs, I take the couple steps towards the boy and he grabs my hands to hold in his.

"How do you feel?" He asks.

"Like I'm gonna puke, then pass out."

He shakes his head and chuckles, pulling my arms towards him so I stumble between his legs and his hands wrap around me. I feel more stabilized as I place my hands on his shoulders, but my thoughts and all the things I wanted to apologize for fly out the window as soon as he runs his thumbs in calming circles over my hips.