Sacrifice

One

Sarah's POV:

16th April 2010.

I sit huddled over the toilet. Fear flushing over me.

It can't be positive. It can't be positive.

I say it over and over in my head, hoping that in the next three minutes it will manifest itself onto the cheap dollar store pregnancy test that is covered in my pee, laying on the side of my sink.

I can't handle a baby, not now, not yet. I've only just landed my American Horror Story job, filming has only just started, this could make my career huge. I can't be a mother!

The thoughts fly through my head at a million miles a second. I was procrastinating

I don't even know who the father is... or when this happened. Sarah... take a deep breath.... calm down. Listen, just because you've missed your period doesn't mean anything, women miss their periods all the time. I haven't had my period since February.

My hands started to shake. I didn't want to look at the test, I just wanted to leave it on the side of my bathroom sink. Just forget about it, pretend it wasn't there. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm going into early menopause. Although I only just turned 34 a few months ago.

I finally take a deep breath, calming myself down.

What will be, will be, if I'm not pregnant, I can carry on as I did before, but I need to be more careful, especially when I'm drunk. But, if I Am pregnant... there's no way I could get rid of it or give it up. I have to keep it... I'll have to juggle my career and my baby. It'll be hard but I can do it, I'm strong, I've been through a lot. I can do it.

Now that I have hyped myself up I want to look at the test. It'll be ready by now, but I still can't bring myself to do it.

Get a grip of yourself!

I began to get angry at myself, I knew I had to look, I knew I had to face up to what I'd done. I picked it up, my heart beating so fast I could almost feel it in my throat, my hands shaking and my eyes blurry with tears so I couldn't see the results. I managed to hold my hand still but my eyes were still blurry. I wiped them, but more just fell. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see.

Listen Sarah. You'll be an amazing mother, you can afford it, you're just scared for your career. What if I can have both? I can have both! I can do it. Sure, raising a child won't be easy, and I'm single, without a clue who the father could be... Damn you tequila. But, I can do it. People always bring their babies to set. I have my sisters and mom to babysit if I need to. It's okay.

I wipe my tears one more time, take one more deep breath and open my eyes.

Oh shit....OH SHIT. This isn't real... This can't be real...

'What the fuck!' I whisper in confusion and fear at the little stick in my hands.

Pregnant.