Hers To Bear - An SVU fic

19.The hardest thing

OLIVIA'S APARTMENT...

Although the day had been an exhausting one, Olivia got home that night feeling more restless than she ever had in her life.

After re-arming the security system, she shut the door and walked in to the dark apartment; she'd been here long enough that she no longer needed light to navigate it and with a tired sigh she dropped her bag onto the armchair along with her coat and scarf before taking a seat on the sofa and letting out a deep, nervous breath.

"It's so quiet" she said to no one, feeling the sting of tears beginning to fill her eyes as she tucked a lock of loose hair that had escaped from the messy ponytail she'd thrown her hair into at the hospital behind her ear. She was still in scrubs - she hadn't bothered to change after the delivery and now she wished she would have; simply looking down at the pale pink pajama-like ensemble sent a torrent of thoughts racing through her head, thoughts that she didn't want to deal with right now.

She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees and blew out another deep breath as she closed her eyes; her mind had already said it and now her heart felt it too - she'd lost her. seeing Noelle in Amanda's arms, seeing the way Amanda looked at her daughter - she'd fallen in love and Olivia couldn't blame her, Noelle was perfect; six pounds, four ounces of exquisite perfection from the top of her head to her tiny little toes...

"I gambled and I lost; what else is new?" she said then laughed at the irony before she burst into tears, weeping silently as she buried her face in her hands. She allowed herself to cry for a moment before she raised her head and swatted at her tears as she took a shaky breath - she needed to get out of here!

***

BRIAN'S APARTMENT...

"Hold on, I'm coming!" he yelled to whoever was pounding on his door as he made his way to answer it. Angrily, he flung it open but immediately softened when he saw Olivia standing on the other side looking up at him with her huge brown eyes and he could see that she'd been crying.

"Liv! Everything ok?"

"Can you please not need more?" she asked

"What's going on? Is it the baby, did something-"

"No questions, no talking, just...don't need more!" she said as she walked in and tossed her coat onto the floor "I just need to stop thinking!" she said and pulled off her shirt, barely getting it over her head before Brian pulled her close and kissed her hard as he slammed he back against the wall and dropped to his knees, pulling down her pants and panties. She grabbed his hair and threw her head back, gasping when she felt his mouth on her, then, a guttural moan tearing from her throat when he pushed his fingers inside her. She came hard against the wall as her legs turned to Jello and collapsed beneath her, sending her falling to the floor where he fucked her to another orgasm within minutes then carried her to the bedroom where they continued, wordlessly for the better part of the night until she'd depleted every ounce of his energy and he lay snoring while she lay wide awake, her mind racing with the very thoughts she'd come here to forget.

...

When the sun came up, she slipped out of bed, threw on her clothes and left while Brian was still asleep. He would wake up a couple hours later to a text that simply said "Thanks."

.

OLIVIA'S APARTMENT...

Olivia arrived home just after 7:30 that morning, the silence of the apartment already bothering her as she hung her coat.

"Get used to it Benson" she told herself then headed to the bathroom for a shower.

After blow drying her hair, Olivia stopped and took a long look at herself in the bathroom mirror and for the first time in her life, she wished that she could have been a selfish person. She'd loved Elliot with the entirety of her soul but for years she'd put his family's needs above her own and eventually lost him. she never thought anything could hurt so much yet here she was again with her heart torn to pieces because she couldn't put her own needs first and she needed Noelle! There was no doubt in her mind that Amanda would be a wonderful mother and she didn't hold it against her for wanting to keep Noelle she understood but it didn't stop it from hurting any less. One look at that baby and she'd lost her heart to her.