If There's a Reason He's Still Alive

dix

Alex POV

It's so strange how he's managed to unsettle me with just that simple phrase.

Should I trust him? Part of me says no, that it's all just a plot to get me to reveal everything. Then once he knows all the details of my life he'll give me some medicine and go off to another patient. Just like they all do, except I might actually mind it this time because he's actually been nice to me. But was it just fake nice, or was it actually, genuinely nice?

The other part of me says yes because Thomas is nice and I don't think he'll get rid of me once he knows what's going on. But then he's going to try and treat me, and he won't see me as a person anymore. For some strange reason, I don't want him to judge me like that. Is that how most people feel with their therapists, like they don't want them to judge them? Is that normal?

See, Thomas seems like he's actually trying to make a connection with me, which confuses me in and of itself. People have tried to make 'connections' before but they always end up giving up on everything a few sessions in. It's lasted longer with Thomas, though. He's still trying for some reason, so maybe it's genuine motivation.

Trust or don't trust? Trust or don't trust? Yes or no? I should.

"Alexander," Thomas says, "If you don't want to discuss it, we don't have to. You look like you're getting stressed."

Shit. Why do I have to be so weak sometimes? Remain in control, Alexander. In control.

"Um, what are you talking about? I'm fine," I say. He gives me a weird look. "Anyways, since you seem like you want to know so badly, I'm fairly certain I'm a sociopath. Oh, I also probably have depression too, or it might be bipolar, I'm not sure."

Thomas looks like he's proud of me for realizing that. For some reason that makes me happy. Damnit, stop being so weak, Alexander. He's not on your side and he never will be. Stop pretending like he is. He's just going to give you some antidepressants and be rid of you.

A bell chimes and Thomas checks his phone.

"Oh, looks like our time is up for this morning. I'll see you in the afternoon. Maybe we can discuss our therapy game plan then, no? I'm proud of you for telling me about what's going on. I'll see you later."

He opens the door for me and I walk down the hallway with James behind me. James opens the door to my room and shoves me in, then locks it. I sit in the corner, thinking to myself.

I'm strangely happy. Normally after therapy, I feel bored or angry. Today I just sit in the corner of my room in silence until my lunch arrives. It's the same food as usual, but for some reason, I hate it less today. I feel more relaxed. I pull my notebook half out of the wall and set it by the door so I'll remember to take it when I go for my afternoon therapy session today. I feel so strange. Normally being caught doing something like that would anger me; I'd see it as an insult to my intelligence. I don't feel like that right now. Should I?

Is it good to feel this way or is it weak? Should I stop acting cooperative or should I listen to Thomas? Do I trust him? Does he care for me, or am I just another patient to him? Another number?

With these thoughts running through my head, I fall asleep, slightly less happy now.

~ Timeskip brought to you by Mike Faist wearing angel wings. ~

I'm awakened by pounding on the door of my room. James opens the door and looks at me, disgusted. I slowly get up and walk out of the room. It must be afternoon, I guess, because what other reason would there be to leave besides therapy. It turns out I'm right; James shepherds me down the hallway towards the therapy rooms. He waves me through a door and I see Thomas sitting at the desk.

"Hi, Alex!" he says cheerfully.

"Hi Thomas," I say in return.

"So I was thinking," he says "We might try CBT or cognitive behavioral therapy. Do you know what that is?"

"No. It sounds bad though."

"Well, it really isn't. I think you'll like it more than traditional therapy. I know you aren't a big fan of the whole 'how does that make you feel' cliché. Cognitive-behavioral therapy is more dedicated to taking a problem and working together to find a method that will help solve the problem."

"Huh."

"In addition, it often is done for shorter periods of time than traditional therapy methods, so you'll see that you're getting better after only a few months."

"Can I ask a question?"

"Yes."

"Why are you bothering with this? Like this seems like you're going to have to help me a lot. Wouldn't it be easier to just do traditional therapy, slap me on some meds, and collect your paycheck?"

"Maybe, but I'd rather know that I'm actually helping you to not have an episode. I don't think you like it here, you probably want to get out to the actual world."

"How am I going to get out to the actual world when I'm not even allowed to be in wards with other patients?"

"Well," Thomas says, "That's part of the reason I wanted to try CBT with you. I think, personally, that you being isolated is not helping with your mental health. I think that you would actually benefit from group sessions or therapy activities, things that you currently aren't allowed to do. To get you out into the main wards a therapist needs to sign off on a mental evaluation stating that you are capable of not, well pardon my language, not murdering anybody."

"Ha. Can't make any promises."

"Well okay then, but I still think you're a little ways away from going out onto the main floor. I want to help you. So back to the CBT. I was wondering if you had anything in particular that you wanted to include in our gameplan?"

"No, not really. I'm guessing you have a plan though?"

"Actually, I was going to list a few things I noticed about you, but you are free to tell me that they aren't problems or that you don't want to talk about them, okay?"

"Sure."

"Well, I noticed that you have a tendency to get angry quickly sometimes, can we agree on that?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"I also noticed that you have a tendency to make physical movements when you get upset, can we also agree on that?"

"Yes."

"So I think it might be best to work on those two things, okay? We might come up with more that we want to work on later, but those are two pretty big things. If you can work on both of those it's a step in the right direction."

"Sure."

"So I wanted to discuss the things that make you mad. Let's try focusing on them one at a time, one session at a time."

"Why do you want to do this, again? Are you doing it just so I will get in trouble?"

"No, I'm not. Do you want to start utilizing our therapy plan today or do you want to do something else for the rest of the session?"

"Um," I say, "It might be nice to not work on that right now."

"That's really mature of you, Alexander," Thomas says, and I feel strangely happy to know that he's my friend. Even if it's not for real.

A/N: Hi everybody. Thank you for commenting on this story, it means a lot to me. Stay safe.

Your dearest author,

Angie

Word Count: 1293