What You Have To Give

2. One Month to Go

Two months later

One month to go of filming, I think, for everyone, is an odd time. Compare it to one month of the school term left. Everyone's excited about/dreading the end of it all; it's not long enough to be completely comfortable and secure in filming, but not short enough for everything to be on edge for the wrap.

Usually with one month to go I'm quite edgy to get it over and done with. However, this time I was waiting for the end of it all with a sense of dread, but for no apparent reason. I didn't think that much about that part of it.

That day we were doing the scene where *SPOILER IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE DEEP BLUE SEA* Freddie tells Hester that he's leaving her to go to Rio. *SPOILER OVER* I cry a lot in films, and this bit sounded quite sad. Anyway.

But, and I don't know why, but something was up. Everything felt different for me and other people noticed it too. I had no idea why though: it confused me so much. I had mentally made a list of ideas:

1) I'm pregant. Impossible, I haven't had sex recently enough (I'm single).

2) I'm PMS. PMS for two months!? Rather unlikely to be honest.

3) I don't know what I'm doing with my life and feel that time is running out. I'm only 24, but these things weigh down on me a lot. Still unlikely, though the most likely option.

4) I'm subconciously experiencing a strong emotion, such as anger or guilt. This is possible, but I have no idea what it would be or how it came about, so I'm not sure.

5) I'm turning into a philosopher. Pfftt no. I don't even know why I put that one up here. I am NOT turning into a philosopher.

6) I, uh... I have an incy wincy crush on someone.

Tom entered my trailer early that morning. I was reading and flicked my eyes up when he entered. "Hi," I placed my book on the table. He looked surprisingly pleased with himself. "Hi," weirdly, I felt the blood rising in my face. He was wearing his Freddie Page 1950s costume and looked really handsome in it. Like really...

Stop it Kate. 

"Yeah," I said breezily. Help, I needed to make conversation. "D'you know what we're doing to do today?" I asked. For a second I was quite proud of myself coming up with that. Then I realised suddenly that I knew that already and Tom had told me the previous day. Shit. I tried to laugh it off: "Oh yeah, I remember." Tom eyed me dubiously but didn't push it as I was dying inside.

He speedily changed the subject: "I've got something for you." He pulled out his i-pod and plugged in a little speaker. "This song reminds me of you," he clicked a button and on came some heavy instrumentals. I listened to it attentively.

"Say goodbye to the halls and the classes," it sang, "Say hello to the job and the taxes. Weekends, with our friends, slippin' into 9 to 5 routine." It went on for a few more minutes. When it finished I looked at Tom confusedly: "What's it called? I like it, but I don't get why it reminds you of me. Care to explain why?"

"It's called Somewhere in Neverland and it's by All Time Low. It's lovely, isn't it? And no, I don't know why it reminds me of you but it does." There was something in his voice that made me think that he was lying but I couldn't understand why. I crinkled up my nose thinking about it, and only realised that I was when Tom asked me what was wrong.

"Oh, oh, nothing," I said quickly. I tried to change the subject: "Let's go for a walk." I stood up and walked over to get my coat. Sorry, I intended to go to get a coat but I tripped over my bag and fell onto Tom's chest. He stumbled back a bit, still managing to hold me though. I stood up quickly. "I'm so sorry," he said before I could say anything. I apologised to him: "Oh my God, I'm sorry. Are you OK? Did I...?" He smiled warmly: "As long as you're OK..." I nodded and swallowed: "Yeah, I'm good," I ran to the bathroom before I could embarrass myself further.

I stared at myself for a long time in the mirror. My face was as red as a tomato. I splashed cold water on it. Slightly better, but not much. Everything was awful. Don't cry don't cry. Thank God no tears came. I walked a minute later, trying to grin awkwardly, pulling my coat on as I made my way over to Tom. He was reading the blurb of my book: "It looks good," he told me, settling it back on the table. I gulped again: "You ready to go?"

He nodded, walking out after me. His eyes always lit up when we went for walks. We always talked about really random things when we were out. "So, um, can I just say your hair looks really nice today?" Tom said. He complimented me a lot, and although he probably complimented everyone it made me happy. I laughed: "Thanks Tom." He spread his arms out: "This is perfect, isn't it?" Tom was prone to random bursts of life appreciation. I nodded: "Pity it has to end so soon," I continued, and then immediately regretted it. I heard his 'hmmmm' and then the tears filled my eyes. No no no no no no no. I looked away from Tom away to the sparse trees we were walking through. There was an ant crawling up the tree trunk holding a little shred of leaf.

The tears clung to my eyelashes as I looked back as Tom. He gave me a small smile. "Yeah, well, all good things come to an end," he said. That was enough. The tear on my eyelashes splashed down my face, followed by another. Oh my God, I was actually crying and Tom looked so sympathetic: "Kate, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He stopped and held out his arms. I went straight into them and buried my head in his chest. He smelt of aftershave and tea. Quite strongly of tea to be honest. I was aware that I was making his jacket quite wet and salty. He stroked his hands through my hair: "I don't know what's wrong but whatever it is, it's OK. You're still awesome."

I finally pulled away from him, and wiped away the last of my tears. "I'm so sorry Tom," I muttered. He shook his head quickly: "No no no. Are you OK though?"

"I don't know. I've just enjoyed this so much," I sniffed, aware of how embarrassed I was. "I don't want it to end." Tom nodded: "Me too. I'll miss so many things about this. So many things we've done, so many wonderful-"

Tom don't say people because I will lose it. Don't you dare say people.

"-people." I bit my lip. Tears were coming again. What was wrong me? I never usually cried. "I need to go," I said as fast as I could and then ran away from Tom.

A/N

Hi!! I've just broken up from school (yassss) so I will hopefully be able to update more often...! I'm really enjoying writing this... :)

Apologies to All Time Low fans. Yeah I know 'Somewhere in Neverland' was released later than 'The Deep Blue Sea' was filmed but I LOVE THAT SONG. I know what it implies in Tom's friendship with Kate, comment if you have a guess!! Don't worry, I will reveal all at some point. This is probably going to be quite a music laden fic, sorry about that (I love songs). Yeah OK, I rambling now.

Love you all very much. I hope you're conquering the world today, in your own way.

Loads of love, HiddlesLover1 xx