Lose You to Love Me

//7//

The smart thing to do, Josie figured, would be to ignore the places she knew that Penelope would be.

It would be an easier option. If she avoided Penelope, then she didn't put herself in the position of dealing with the emotions the shorter girl brought out of her. She wouldn't have to deal with the terrifying idea of being seen, of being paid attention to. She could continue being invisible, a fly on the wall. It made perfect sense, at least in Josie's mind- if she didn't let anyone close enough to hurt her, she could escape junior year unscathed. Josie found out very quickly that Penelope was not just anyone, and ignoring her would be easier said than done. It wasn't that Penelope went out of her way to find Josie, but there was a magnetic pull about the girl that attracted Josie back to her even when every one of her senses screamed for her to stay away. She had tried to fight it- she had tried to distract herself and her thoughts away from the raven-haired girl, but she found it to be an impossible task. Maybe it was because Penelope was the one person in the whole of Mystic Falls High that seemed to care about Josie's wellbeing. Maybe it was the fact that Penelope was funny, and welcoming, and all-around wonderful to her. Or maybe- just maybe- it was because only around Penelope did she feel like she could breathe again.

It wasn't every day that Josie saw Penelope because that would be too routine, and Josie wasn't willing to become accustomed to her secret meetings with Penelope. Some days Josie stayed far away from the auditorium, instead of staying in an empty classroom or the library or anywhere else she knew that Penelope wouldn't be. She found these days to be more boring, but they were necessary. These days were to put distance between the two girls, to remind both herself and Penelope that they were not friends, or acquaintances, or anything that resembled normalcy. They were just two people who were lonely, Josie told herself. Josie was familiar with her loneliness, but she found it to be more tolerable when Penelope was around. Josie figured that this was the reason she kept returning to where she knew Penelope would be- she needed the company because it made the terrifying thoughts in her head be silent for a little while. When she did visit the auditorium, Penelope was always there, almost as if waiting to see if she'd appear or not that day. Josie would approach her, sitting a few seats down from her. They'd sit in silence for a while, Penelope always giving Josie the room she needed to adjust to her presence. When she'd done just that, she gave Penelope the signal that it was okay for her to speak. Most days, it would be Penelope speaking. She ranted about fights with her mom, stressed about her homework, and entertained Josie with stories from her childhood. Rarely- very rarely- Josie would speak, talking about her day or the weather or something equally as trivial. She never talked about anything of importance, because that would make her feel too exposed. Penelope didn't seem to mind- she simply listened. For Josie, it was refreshing to feel heard.

On a particular day, however, Josie could feel a heaviness around Penelope as she approached her. For one, the girl didn't look up at her as Josie walked in, her focus on the wood floor beneath their feet. She was still, arms wrapped around her stomach as she bent over almost in pain. Josie could practically feel the sorrow radiating from Penelope, and part of her wanted to just turn around and walk away. The selfish part of her wanted to leave Penelope to her problems- to not get herself involved. Josie's feet were begging her to walk away, but Josie stayed. She sat down in the seat next to Penelope, and only then did the girl lookup. Her eyes were swollen and red, tears making shaky trails down Penelope's cheeks. When she noticed Josie had joined her, she immediately straightened up, drying her eyes. "Uh, hey.", she forced out, clearing her throat. "I didn't know if you'd come today." She laughed, but it was void of humor; a broken laugh. "I was kind of hoping you wouldn't." "Why are you crying?", Josie asked, trying to force some warmth in her tone of voice. Penelope sighed. "It's...nothing, really. I just...I miss my dad." Josie tilted her head slightly, urging Penelope to continue. The girl looked down at her hands, playing with the ring on her middle finger. "My dad was deployed four months ago for Iraq. The month before school started, actually. He's going to be gone for...well, he's going to be gone for a long time." Josie frowned, unable to fight the sympathy she felt towards Penelope; She knew what it was like to be without both of her parents. "You're scared for him?", Josie asked, already knowing the answer. Penelope nodded anyway. "He's never gone to, like, war. It's always just been base training. This is the first time he's had to leave us for more than just a few weeks. My mom...I can hear her crying at night. I know because I'm crying with her." Penelope let out a shaky breath. "I just wish he was home because he always knew how to make me feel better. Even if it was just a hug or a stupid dad joke- he was there, you know? Now he's not, and I don't know if he'll come back the same. If he's come back home at all."

Josie's heart broke for Penelope. She realized that she felt just as lost as she did- suspended in uncertainty, her life flipped upside down and unsure of what would happen next. To know Penelope felt the same feelings that tortured Josie daily affected Josie, as much as she wished it didn't. Penelope wasn't just lonely like Josie- she was heartbroken like her, too. Josie bit her lip, internally fighting between letting Penelope sit alone in her sorrow or to reach out and help her. If she let herself care about the girl, then it would be impossible to continue acting like she was indifferent to Penelope. If she didn't, then she would be abandoning Penelope to the same fate Josie dreaded. The pros and the cons ran through Josie's head, and she was so caught up in the consequences of her actions that she barely realized that she had already grasped Penelope's hand.

While this action had almost bypassed Josie, it didn't for the other girl. Penelope's attention went from Josie's face to their joined hands; She looked just as shell-shocked as Josie felt. They didn't say anything, but their hands stayed joined together. Josie wanted to do more- knew that she should do more to comfort Penelope- but she couldn't bring herself to move. To do anything else, to come any closer, was a terrifying thought. So, they sat together, hand in hand, until the bell rang to signal that their lunch period was over. Josie found herself disappointed when they finally had to let go. Penelope checked her eyes in the little compact mirror from her purse, making sure that the evidence of her misery was long gone. She sighed in relief, putting the compact back in her purse. Turning to Josie, she offered a small smile. "Have a nice rest of your day, Josie.", she said, picking up her things and walking away. Josie watched her go, swallowing hard.

She hated how agonizing it was watching Penelope walk away.

__________________________________

Josie rang the doorbell for the second time, shifting the Tupperware container in her arms. She knew that Penelope and her mom were home because her mother's car was in the driveway. For some reason, it was taking them way too long to answer the door, and Josie debated whether or not to just leave the dish on the doorstep and walk away. Before her impatience reached that point, however, the door opened and Penelope peeked her head out of the front door. "Josie?", she said quizically, unable to believe that what she was seeing was real. "Is everything okay?" Josie laughed awkwardly, nodding her head. "Yeah, I'm fine. Uh..my mom...she believes that when families are in times of sorrow that food can comfort them. These cookies are her recipe. I know it's strange, but I just thought-" Josie cut herself off, handing Penelope the Tupperware container. Penelope took it gratefully. For the first time that week, Josie saw Penelope's smile return to her face. To be the one who caused it made Josie grin with pride. "Thanks- I really appreciate it.", Penelope said, expressing her gratitude. She hesitated for a moment before opening the door a little wider. "Do you want to come in?", she asked, hesitantly. Josie paused, swallowing hard. Josie knew that Penelope probably only invited her in to be nice, but she found herself wanting to go in anyway; Even if it was just to make sure Penelope truly was okay, and then to leave right after. Having that plan made Josie's decision final.

She nodded, setting foot into Penelope's house for the first time.