Lose You to Love Me

//9//

 Josie had a lot of fears.

When she was little, she had been afraid of the dark; An overwhelming, terrifying phobia that left her shaking in bed every night after her parents turned off her bedroom light. It had gotten so bad that Lizzie had asked if she could move into the room across the hall because the glow from Josie's nightlights had been too bright for her to handle. When she got older she began fearing bigger things- class presentations, pop quizzes, clowns, and the monsters from the horror movies that Tori forced her to watch. It had taken time, but she'd eventually grown out of that mentality. Now, she still had her fears, but they were a lot less trivial. Josie feared not being good enough, no matter how much she tried to be. She feared being alone, even though she feared being loved more. As much as they annoyed her, she feared losing her parents and her sister. Josie knew how to fight those fears, how to quiet those voices in her head; Still, the one thing she feared most was the person staring back at her every time she looked in the mirror.

She had become a stranger to herself, her thoughts turned against her and ready to attack. She hated how betrayed she felt by her mind, how the voices in her head had begun to control her instead of the other way around. She'd lost control, and if there was one thing Josie hated it was losing her control. She tried to fight them, tried to prove to herself and everyone else that she had the power, the upper hand. She'd done a pretty good job of that, too. She'd been able to love and let herself be loved, had been able to keep the thoughts that terrified her under her authority. That was until Beck's mistakes had pulled the rug out from under her, blind sighting her and tearing her already fragile sanity apart. Now, Josie had developed a new fear- her own emotions. She wanted nothing to do with them, and that's why she had promised herself that she'd never put herself in the position to be disarmed like that again. She'd put up defenses, put space between herself and anything that threatened to take her power away. She thought she was doing a good job of protecting herself, but then one person had come along and she felt powerless once again.

When she wasn't constantly fighting against it, being around Penelope was comfortable- fun, even. Penelope made for good company, with her opinions and her stories and her humor. When she was with Penelope, Josie felt a peace that she'd been depriving herself of. It scared her how effortless it felt to communicate with Penelope just as much as it elated her to feel heard for once. Part of her wanted to trust Penelope, but she couldn't bring herself to cross that barrier she had put between herself and the older girl. She was afraid of putting herself in a position she promised to never leave herself open to being in again. It was easier to continue acting like she didn't have feelings- lonelier, but easier. Before meeting Penelope, that had begun to feel like second nature. After she had seen a glimpse of the person Penelope Park was, it was a challenge to keep up her façade. Her and Penelope were alike, in some ways- Penelope had fears, too. She felt pain and joy and all of the things that Josie had to work against and it made Josie jealous at how easy it was for the older girl to express her emotions. She envied how open Penelope was with how she was feeling. She hated that with one look at Penelope she could tell exactly what the older girl was feeling, the thoughts that were going through her head. Where Josie was secretive and isolated, Penelope was so open and so honest. Josie was a liar- she was selfish and rude, and she wasn't against hurting someone else if it meant that she was protecting herself. That's just the person who Josie had become, and she was not looking to change that. She also was 100 percent was not going to let herself care about Penelope Park. She couldn't let herself get hurt again, especially by the person she wanted so badly to trust.

(Part of her wondered who she was trying to protect- herself or Penelope.)

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"Can anyone tell me what is the main idea of Of Mice and Men?", Mr. Jackson asked, staring out at his students impatiently. Josie kept her head down and her focus on her book, not daring to make eye contact with her English teacher. She knew the answer to his question, of course; She'd read the book before, even owned a copy of it before her box of books had been misplaced. While she knew that she knew what Mr. Jackson wanted her to say, she didn't want to broadcast her knowledge to the whole class. As far as her classmates knew, she was the quiet and clueless student in the back of the room; She wanted it to stay that way. Unfortunately for her, Mr. Jackson had other plans. "I don't think we've heard from you yet, Miss Saltzman.", he stated, drawing Josie's attention out of her book. "Can you tell me what you think the main idea of Of Mice and Men is?" Josie's whole body froze, watching in horror as twenty-two other pairs of eyes landed on her. They were all waiting for her to speak, but all Josie could do was focus on not passing out from pure fear. Everywhere she looked, the attention of the room was focused solely on her, and Josie was feeling the pressure of speaking. Just when she thought she was about to break from the embarrassment and anxiety of the situation, the sound of a chair scraping across the hardwood floor was heard as someone stood up from their desk.

"Of Mice and Men shows examples of untreated mental illness.", Josie heard Penelope say confidently. "It is about the tragedy of human existence because all of the characters at one point or another feel the effects of isolation and loneliness." Mr. Jackson frowned at Penelope, but he accepted her answer without too much complaint. "That is very good, Miss Park, but you were not the person I was addressing." "I knew the answer, so it probably should have been me you addressed. Obviously Josie doesn't want to speak up- she didn't have her hand up, or asked to be called on- and instead of respecting that you tried to force her to speak because you wanted her to." The whole room fell silent, and Josie could tell that Mr. Jackson was failing to keep his composure at Penelope's words. "This is my classroom, Miss Park. I expect a level of respect from my students. If I ask them to speak, I expect them to speak. I also won't tolerate your disrespect, either." Penelope stood unfazed, crossing her arms over her chest. "Maybe first you should give Josie some respect before demanding it from her." Josie couldn't believe how blatant Penelope was being with Mr. Jackson, and she also couldn't believe that her arguments were in Josie's defense. It was easy to see that Mr. Jackson had had enough. "Leave my classroom at once, Penelope; And take Miss Saltzman with you. If you can't follow the simple rules of my classroom, then I will not waste my time trying to teach you."

Once they were out of the room and into the hallway, Josie took off down the corridor. Her lungs burned with the effort, but she didn't stop running. She wasn't even phased when she passed Lizzie and her friends, oblivious to her sister's concerned questioning as to where she was going. She didn't slow down until she had made it safely into the auditorium, dropping into one of the seats and placing her head between her knees. She could feel her blood pumping in her ears, her heart pounding so hard In her chest that it had begun to physically hurt. She was so engrossed in her own panic that she didn't realize someone else had joined her in the auditorium. She felt two gentle hands rest on her knees, and when she looked up she met green eyes, shining with concern.

She hadn't expected Penelope to run after her, but now that she was right in front of her, she was grateful that she was no longer alone. "It's okay, Josie. You're safe- there's no one else here but me, and I'm not going anywhere. Listen to my voice okay? I've got you." Josie was tempted to pull away from Penelope because she knew how weak she looked. She needed to show Penelope that she could deal with her anxieties alone, to show her that she didn't need Penelope or anyone else's help. While she knew and believed all of these things, however, hearing Penelope's voice was soothing, the slight pressure of her hold on Josie keeping her grounded enough that she no longer felt like she was slipping away from reality. "There you go, Josie. Keep breathing just like that- you're doing so well, Jojo." Penelope kept mumbling words of comfort to Josie, and after a few pain-staking moments, Josie felt like she was herself again. When she dared to look up, Penelope was smiling softly at her, her hands still resting on Josie's knees. "Hi.", she said, and Josie swallowed hard, biting back a response because she didn't trust her own words. She simply stared at Penelope, debating whether to run away or to stay. Penelope waited for her to process her thoughts, not moving from her crouched position in front of Josie, letting her physically see that Penelope had every intention to stay, even though she had witnessed Josie's breakdown. That was what finally made up Josie's mind for her- the idea that even though she knew Josie was broken, Penelope was willing to stay. She unexpectedly leaned forward, wrapping her arms around Penelope in a tight embrace. To be so close to someone after so long of avoiding it was awkward and overwhelming to Josie, but all of that apprehension melted away the second Penelope returned the embrace. Josie still had a lot of fears.

But it was comforting knowing she wouldn't have to face them alone anymore.