Love Always, Ella

Chapter Four

Ella

May 18th, 2016.

The worst thing about falling in love is that it is completely out of your hands. You can't help the way someone makes you feel. You can't help it if it's a criminal, an asshole, a jock, a nerd, or even some forty-year-old man with a beer gut. You can't help it because your heart will always want what it wants. You can try to the best of your abilities to relentlessly tell it no, but in the end, it will always win, causing you to end up falling for the person you may or may not have wanted to.

If it ends up good and you guys end up getting married then great. But nine times out of ten it doesn't work out, and when that person you let yourself fall for breaks your heart you are so broken. The worst part is that there is nothing you can do because you cannot change someone's feelings. You cannot tell someone to love you. If their heart doesn't beat the same as yours then it's out of your control. That's exactly what I hate. Things that are out of my control.

I've never been in love, so I don't exactly know what it's like, but what I do know is that I'm so scared for it to happen. I'm scared to let someone into my life and tell them about my secrets, to tell them about my fears and dreams and what I want for my future. I don't want to have them explore the places of my body I can't stand to look at. My stomach that makes me cringe, or my arms that I refuse to take a second glance at. I can't picture someone being infatuated with me, because why would you want to be? I shouldn't think like this, and if I told my mom about how I feel she'd roll her eyes at me and probably wouldn't even pay it any thought. She'd remind me that I'm beautiful, that I'm worthy, etc. All of the stupid things I hear on a daily basis but don't believe.

     I guess overall I'm just afraid for someone to fall in love with me because I can't even love myself.

~

    The next day at the shack isn't busy, but then again I'm working the morning shift. For my fifth day, I'm not doing too shabby though. I've waited on two tables by myself, and I've also gotten ten dollars in tips. I think that I might actually be getting the hang of things thankfully.

    "Hey," Jess says, tying her apron around her waist in a hurry. "I know I'm late. Sorry, I got caught up in some things."

    I'm not sure why she thinks I'd care if she's late or not. Maybe it's because my grandparents own the place. There's an awkward silence between us as she's clocking in like she wants to say something but she's holding back. "It's cool," I say. "What's up?"

    "Nothing..." She trails off, clearing her throat. "Well, I just keep thinking about what happened at that bonfire. I feel horrible about what Rosie said. If I had known that she'd-"

    "Look," I say, cutting her off. "It's fine Jess. I'm over it."

    "Good." She sighs. "So you don't hate me for it?"

    "Why would I hate you?" I laugh. "You were the only one to stand up for me that night." I give an order in to the kitchen to Aaron who sends me a salute with his hand to let me know he's on it.

    "I dunno," She lets out a huff and crosses her arms over her chest. "I'm just checking on you. I've also been waiting for you to give me the details of what happened yesterday with Patrick."

    My whole body freezes just at the mention of his name. I'm trying to remember my table's drinks but it seems to have completely left my memory now. Did everyone see us leave together? 

    "Um..." I pause, thinking of what to say. "Nothing really. He just gave me a ride home."

    "That's funny." She replies, giving me a smug grin. "I've been friends with him since we were kids, and never once has he offered to give me a ride home."