Love Always, Ella

Chapter Eight

Ella

March 10th, 2018

Christian,

It's your birthday today. I have debated on whether or not to reach out to you, but I always stop myself because I know you have long forgotten about me by now. I hope you know that I think about you often, and I hope that you are doing okay. I often fight with myself between loving you and hating you, because I should hate you, but I know that a part of me will always care for you.

Ending whatever we had between us was weird. I feel like we told each other everything about ourselves only to not speak to each other again. How do you go from being best friends with someone to never speaking again? Now your birthday comes along and all I can do is debate whether or not to pick up the phone and call you.

I don't think I'm going to say anything at all because I fear that I'll just be ignored by you. I figure if you did want to speak to me then you would. I hope one day you do end up reaching out to me though, and I hope by that day that I have moved on from you. I want more than anything to respond to you and tell you that I'm happy now, and I no longer need you to feel complete. I pray to God that I can tell you that I have full-heartedly moved on and I no longer wish to have these emotional ties to you.

~

"I think this one is so cute." Jess gushes, analyzing the shirt on the hanger. It's this pink floral tube top, and it's so tiny that I almost wonder how it covers any skin. I don't say anything about it though, I just smile and nod my head even though I disagree.

It was her idea to go to the mall today, not mine. I don't like going shopping because there are never any clothes for me to buy here. I always have to go online to find my sizes, and I even hate doing that because nine times out of ten it doesn't fit me like I thought it would.

We're in some store that definitely doesn't have my size, and I'm following her around the store trying to avoid the sales clerk's gaze. It's a look that's wondering why I'm in here, but when she sees that I'm with Jess she seems to understand and continues back to whatever it is she's doing.

"I just really want to find something to impress Nina with. Did I tell you that our anniversary is this weekend? We're going out to this fancy Italian restaurant downtown."

"Really?" I ask. "Wow, Jess. That's great."

I watch her pick up a bodycon dress before she holds it up to her body in the mirror. It's a deep purple with a little gold zipper that runs down the back. I instantly love it.

There's a part of me that wants to tell her about the night Patrick and I had together again at that party, but I don't want to put all of our business out there. I'm not even sure what the other night meant for us, so for all I know he just wants to be friends with me. Does he want me telling people we're friends? I know that's just my past talking, and I know that not every single guy is going to be like Christian, but it's always in the back of my head. I'm terrified that I'm not good enough.

"I'm going to get this one." She grins proudly, waving the bodycon in the air. "Come on, let's go."

"You don't want to try it on?" I ask.

Giving me a puzzled expression, she shakes her head and starts to walk to the counter. It must be nice to just automatically know that everything will look good on you. I suppose that's not the case for everyone, but for Jess, it seems to be.

"Look at this!" She exclaims, grasping a floral dress with her fingertips. She takes the hanger off of the rack and holds it out to me. "This would look so cute on you!"