Love Always, Ella

Chapter Twenty-Six

Patrick

The funeral is brutal. This day has haunted me in my dreams at night, and now that it's finally here it's exactly how I pictured it to be. People crying, people hugging one another, some people even laughing, which pissed me the hell off. When is it ever okay to laugh at a funeral? I wouldn't know because I've never been to one, but I'm certainly not in the mood to laugh.

Ella's funeral is at a church. The actual service is being held here, and then the burial is being held a couple of minutes away. Flowers are in heaps all over the place. I don't know a single person here, and the piece of paper I had written my eulogy on is stuffed in the pocket of my suit jacket with my mom and dad right beside me for support. It comforts me to know that they're here, but that doesn't stop the tears from falling on my face when I see the casket. It's at the very front of the church with once again, heaps and heaps of flowers sent from endless amounts of people. The picture is what gets me though. It's one of her senior pictures. She's in a red dress in the middle of the country with a cornfield in the back, her long brunette curls blowing in the wind. God, she was so beautiful when she smiled.

Her mom is seated in the front along with her grandparents and probably the rest of her family I wasn't able to meet. As the pastor goes up to the front of the chapel, I take a seat with my parents towards the middle before the whole entire place gets quiet. It's so quiet that all you can hear is the creaking of the wooden benches as people shift around, the silent sniffles from practically everyone crying.

Clearing his throat, the priest begins to speak. "We gather here today to celebrate the life of Ella Grace Carson, who has now returned to her home with Our God, The Father."

I shift uncomfortably in my seat with the rest of the crowd and my mom can sense that because she puts her arm around my shoulder as I try to hold more tears back. It's not that I don't believe in the whole "after death" thing, because in a way I do, it's just tough to imagine that after someone passes away they're automatically in this magical place called heaven and everything is suddenly all better. It just seems way too good to be true. But as I stare at her picture sitting in front of her casket, I send one of the very few prayers I've ever sent to God and pray that she is somewhere safe. I pray that she's happy and healthy and still the beautiful girl she was when she was right next to me.

I quickly find out that the Carson's are Catholic when Mass begins and the priest begins the introductory, praising God and asking for God's mercy, and then her cousin goes up and begins to read a reading from the Old Testament followed by her Grandfather, whom I sob to when he starts to choke up. I guess I'm a little bit more emotional hearing his speech because I know how much he hates me. If I could reverse time and if I could go back and shout it to the entire damn campfire that I loved her, I would. Then we wouldn't be here in this chapel mourning over Ella. Instead, we would actually be celebrating her life in the real world and not a funeral.

My heart completely stops it seems like when the priest calls my name and has already announced to the church that the family requested I speak. He referred to me as her boyfriend, and I liked the sound of it except I didn't deserve that title. I don't think her grandparents thought I deserved that title either.

I stand up, my knees practically buckling as I walk down the long row and step up to the podium, looking out into the huge crowd that have attended her funeral. I'm not sure if everyone here knew Ella personally, but practically everyone is crying. My eyes are probably completely bloodshot by now from my tears, my fingers shakily pulling out the piece of paper from my jacket pocket so that I can unfold it.

My mouth is about to open, but when I look back out into the crowd again I see Drew. Not just Drew, but Jess, Nina and Rosie and the rest of the basketball team all in the back wearing their formal attire staring directly at me. This time they aren't laughing. This time they aren't cracking a joke about Ella or sending her snide remarks. This time they're alert and paying attention as Jess, Nina and Rosie are crying. Drew, along with the rest of the team, are silent with stone cold faces.