mind over matter

dear _____ ,

let me burn
                     orange peels in declaration
of our love
                       and when i whisper it
     into your ear with my cold hands cupped around it or
tell you to hurt me
                 because i don't think i deserve painless love or gentle kisses
or how the tangy smell
            rose into the air and the fire ate away at the skin
like a metaphor for
                          whatever the fuck I've been keeping secret at dawn
            and sinfully alone in my room an existence without you
            i just want reassurance that you won't call me a freak
or push me away
              or maybe that you'll do just that i don't know myself anymore at least not in the daylight
and certainly not
                 in my reflection i want you to promise me that life's uncertainties don't make it pointless
                       that coffee will mean
something to me again and
          my mother doesn't regret me like i regret myself