999 Pieces

Chapter Eleven: Maxon

The smell of America assaults my senses as I shakily enter the room. I immediately want to back out, but I stand my ground. For America, I remind myself again, taking another step. Pain is all I feel as I look around the room, memories everywhere. Looking at the nightstand reminds me of when I gave her the blue bracelet. The mirror reminds me of that time where she caught me just staring at her through it. And the balcony…

I slowly stumble to the doors and open them, fresh air entering the room. I walk out onto the balcony, running my hands along the railing. Aspen follows me, rolling onto the balcony, not saying anything.

“We had our first kiss here,” I breathe, looking up at Aspen. “She was my first kiss. I imagine you were hers?”

Aspen nods, a pained expression on his face.

I realize then what an ass I’ve been.

“I’m sorry,” I say, my voice breaking.

“For what?”

“I’ve been so blind,” I mumble. “I was so focused on my own feelings… I didn’t even fully consider what you must be feeling right now.”

Aspen lets out a humorless laugh. “You have the right to be forgetful, Maxon. It’s fine.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I-I just miss her,” he says after a moment of hesitation. “And I regret not telling her about Lucy. I’m sure she would have been happy for us.”

“Can you tell me about her?” I ask.

“Who? America or Lucy?”

I smile. “Both, but Lucy first. How did it all come to be?”

“Because I was stationed outside of America’s room a lot, we saw each other often,” Aspen explains. “We would talk a lot. About our parents, about castes, America…” he trails off.

I remain silent, waiting for him to continue.

“One time she and Mary came and gave me food when I was on duty,” he continues. “It was small gestures like that…” He looks up and gives me a watery smile. “Talking to her made me feel like myself again. And the more I talked with her and learned about her troubles, the more I found myself falling for her.”

“How did she find out about America?” I ask.

“When America was shouting at her brother after he outed our relationship. She was so furious with him that she got a little loud,” he says, looking away. “Lucy heard her.”

I hesitate for a moment. “What did America say?”

Aspen looks up at me. “She talked about how before the Selection we broke things off and she met you. She admitted that she cared for you and that nothing was happening between us anymore.” He presses his lips together, as if keeping himself from laughing.

“What else did she say?” I demand.

“She mentioned Kota asking if she mentioned him to you and told him that she told you what a spineless, ungrateful jackass he was.”

I smile. “I could tell that her relationship with Kota wasn’t the best.”

Aspen returns the smile. “So what do you want to know about America?”

“What did you do during the Selection?”

His face falls, and I can tell he’s struggling again. 

“We met a few times,” he whispers. “I had to find loops in the guard schedule so we could meet, even if it was just for a few minutes.”

I avert my eyes, nodding for him to continue.

“We’d talk about many things. Home. Your Father. You.” Aspen gives me a grim smile when he sees my expression. “Yes, we did talk about you. I’ll admit it was mostly me trying to convince her that you weren’t good for her, but I was wrong. I see that now.”

I let out a sigh. “Thanks for telling me.”

He nods, not saying anything.

“You know, she told me something after telling me your story a few months ago,” I say, looking out into the gardens. “She told me that she hoped I would find someone that I couldn't live without and that I would never have to know what it was like to have to try to live without them. But little did she know...” I trial off, tears coming to my eyes again. “Does it ever stop hurting? Losing someone?”

Aspen sighs. “I’m going to tell you something I told America at her Dad’s funeral; it hits at funny times. As I said earlier, I was a mess for a few days after my father died. Eventually I realized I needed to get it together for everyone else’s sake. There will still be moments in life where the whole thing will hit you in the chest again, and you’ll probably break down again. But Maxon...” 

I look up at him. “It will get better,” he continues, tears in his eyes. “Sure, it might be a pain that follows you around like a shadow for the rest of your life, but eventually you’ll need to force yourself to look at the light. Don’t let this drag you down.”

I feel like I’ve been hit by a pound of bricks. I stare at my hands, letting Aspen’s words fill me. Slowly I look up at him and give him a small smile. “Thank you, Aspen. That helps.”

Aspen nods. “I’m glad.”

I look back into America’s room and sigh. “Shall we head back in?”

“I’m ready when you are,” he responds.