I D E N T I T Y

Questions

I hear a knock on the door and yell for them to come in. Steve enters my room and plops down on my bed next to me.

"How was it with the school administrators? Are they letting you come to school? They can't have expelled you yet, can they?" Steve says nervously. I'm not going to lie, it's cute when he's nervous.

I smile at him, "I don't know, you'll have to guess!"

He smiles back. Then he rubs his chin pretending to think hard about it.

"Hmm guessing by the beautiful smile on your face I'm gonna guess you got in." Steve says smiling.

I blush, I hate when he says stuff like that...but I also love it.

And I hate that I love it.

I roll my eyes, "Would you stop!" I say trying to sound firm. But I end up smiling instead. He laughs.

"Maybe you should stop talking and give in to my charming-ness." He says giving me a playful smile.

"Oh my gosh Steve! Shut up!" I say doubling over with laughter. Why am I laughing? It wasn't even that funny and yet here I am, laughing so hard I'm crying.

"Who gave you the tour of the school? Was it Gavin Wilcox? That dudes hilarious!" Steve exclaims.

I bite my lip. I'm not sure if I should tell him what Allie said. What if it's true? That I am an awful person and Steve decided to never mention it. Or Kevin for that matter. What if that's the reason Kevin hasn't been answering my phone calls or why he won't even speak to me? No, I won't let that be the reason.

"Peyt, you alright?" Steve asks worriedly.

I sigh and force a smile, Here goes nothing.

"I'm fine. Steve how-how was I in school?"

"I mean you were smart. Sure you had a C in science but-"

"No I mean was I nice? Or was I a bully?" I cut him off.

"What? Peyton-" Realization crosses his face, "You spoke to Allie Baker didn't you."

My face feels hot, I nod my head and bite my lip harder, scared of what he might say next.

Steve looks perplexed, "Peyton you can't trust what Allie says. She's insane. She's just mad because-" He catches himself, from what I don't know.

My breathing becomes quicker, "Because why?" I ask more forcefully.

Steve looks panicked now, "Why? It's because...because...because your prettier than her!" He says almost desperately. He even throws in a charming smile in attempt to make me smile and blush and to forget this whole thing.

But I've forgotten enough for a lifetime.

Anger rushes to my face and I get off the bed, "Stop it! Stop lying! Tell me the truth!"

He looks taken aback, a bit hurt too. But I don't feel sorry for snapping, I'm tired of having questions without answers.

"Steve just tell me the truth and I'll believe you! Tell me and I'll let this go! Tell me and I'll date you!" I yell.

What did I just say

I look at him, expecting to see happiness on his face but I don't. No, instead I see pain. Pain in his beautiful green eyes. He stands up.

"I can't tell you Peyton! It's not my place to!" He exclaims raising his voice.

"Why isn't it? Why is everyone keeping secrets from me! I deserve to know my life!" I yell almost to tears.

"Of course you do! It's your life! I'm just trying to-"

"Trying to what?" I interrupt, "Can you even tell me or is that a secret too? First Kevin and now you."

Steve snaps his head up quickly, "Kevin who?" He asks abruptly.

Why does it matter? "Kevin Helms, what does he have to do with anything?"

Steve's breathing becomes faster. His face looks strained but it's his eyes that confuse me. The expression they hold almost looks like...

Panic

"Steve! What does Kevin have to with this!" No answer. I laugh bitterly, "Of course why would you tell me? It's just another one of your secrets!"

Steve looks at me intensely, "I don't want you talking to him."

What?! "This is insane! Why not?! Are you jealous? Why do you look so scared? Why can't you just tell me!" I practically scream it.

"Of course I'm not jealous! You don't know anything! Do you not understand what I'm trying to do? I'm trying to project you!"

I laugh almost hysterically, "Protect me?! You're trying to protect me?! Where were you when I got hit by that truck huh? You sure didn't protect me then!"

Silence fills the room as the weight of the words comes crashing down. Steve looks like I stabbed him. I try to open my mouth to apologize but no words come out. No words worthy of saying.

Steve steps closer to me, "You think I don't know that? You think I haven't spent the past three years wondering if things would have turned out differently if I had been there?" His voice catches, "I know I failed. I failed then and I failed now. I love you so much. And that's why I can't give you those answers, even if it means you'll never love me back." His eyes are filled with tears. He looks at me, like he's expecting me to yell at him again. But I don't. I just stand there.

Steve looks at me one last time before he walks out my door and heads down the stairs. I hear Rachel ask him whats wrong when he gets to the bottom. He doesn't respond. I hear the slam of a door and Rachel calling Steve's name. I feel frozen, emotionless. My brain feels hollow, the words of our argument echo in my head.

"Why is everyone keeping secrets from me? I deserve to know my life!"

Tears start to fill my eyes.

"You don't know anything! Do you not understand what I'm trying to do? I'm trying to project you!"

My breaths start to shake.

"Protect me?! Your trying to project me?! Where were you when I got hit by that truck huh? You sure didn't protect me then!"

A sob escapes my lips.

"You think I don't know that? You think I haven't spent the past three years wondering if things would have turned out differently if I had been there?"

My chest begins to heave with sobs.

"I know I failed. I failed then and I failed now. I love you so much. And that's why I can't give you those answers, even if it means you'll never love me back."

I crumble onto my bed with earth-rattling sobs shaking my body.

Every part of me wishes that I had ran after him. That I looked him in the eye and told him that he didn't fail me. That I'm the one who failed him. That no, I don't, I can't, love him, but I really, really want to. That I'm too scared of letting go to ever truly love him.

But it's far too late for any of that. Maybe I've lost him forever or maybe I'll see him next week. The questions that seem to eat me alive just build. I want to be happy, I want to love, I want to be free of the weight of having a double identity, of not knowing what's real and what's fake. I want to know who I am. Everyone is trying to tell me but I don't know who's right and who's wrong. Allie or Steve? Kevin or Rachel?

I lay there until dark. Rachel tries to offer me food but I'm not hungry, she tries to ask me about Steve but the weight of my words are far to heavy. All I allow her to do is throw a blanket over me and turn out the lights. I lay awake for I don't know how long. As I drift off to sleep I finally let myself accept the one fact I've tried to ignore.

I wish that I was still in the coma.

Thank you for reading! It means a lot😊-Vanna