It's Not All Sunshine And Rainbows

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*TRIGGER WARNING*

But it wasn't all good.

It wasn't all looks.

It wasn't all feeling good about myself because I didn't eat.

I was so, so tired all of the time.

I was always hungry.

Always.

Then the hunger stopped.

But it was almost like I couldn't eat.

A kiwi fruit at 11:00am was more than enough to see me through until 6:30pm at least.

I was cold, so so cold.

I was always shivering.

I used to wear a vest, a thermal top, my school shirt, a school jumper and a hoodie on my way to school and I would still sit there shivering on the bus with my tea and my hand warmers.

My skin was always purple.

Even when I was warm.

I looked dead.

My friends constantly followed me around asking when I last ate.

I would always lie.

I even went as far as to tell them that the weight loss app I had installed on my phone was to help me GAIN weight, and I wanted to check I was eating enough calories.

God, my friends didn't deserve that.

I even lost my period. In my opinion, that's one of the worst things about gaining weight.

I absolutely hate getting my period.

But at the time, I couldn't see the bad things. All I could see was that I was getting thinner.

And the numbers on the scale were going down.

All I could see was the pretty girl I could become one day.

That was my goal.

Or at least, one of my many goals.

To be pretty.

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