💫Dreamers Club💫

Dreamer #2

Everyday,

I begin and end my day with the thoughts of how does it feel to be fit? How does it feel to eat anything you want without gaining an ounce? Would my life be better if was skinny?

After getting those thoughts out of my head, I would get out of my bed and hear the usual, "Good morning fatty."

I would smile at my family hiding the pain behind my smile skilfully.

At first when I heard those words, it didn't hurt , but with time it did.

The more I grew, the more I saw.

I saw what they saw in me when they called me fatty.

At first I didn't understand, I had always been the athletic one, any sport that ended with ball, I would play it. Yet I would not lose a single ounce.

When I initially started playing, I never played to get thin but again with time I started questioning myself, "why do I not lose weight doing so much work? When my big sister doesn't even move a muscle yet has a perfect body?"

The time I really started taking action on my weight was during my eldest sister's wedding.

We were searching for dresses when literally everyone kept telling me how it would be so much easier to find the perfect dress if I was thinner. Even my younger cousins, who didn't even know their multiplications properly, would nod their heads in agreement.

That was the last stroke! I had enough!!

Enough of people telling me how much to eat, what to wear, and how pretty I would be after losing some weight.

I had enough of it, I really wanted a change!

I didn't start an easy beginners diet. I skipped all the small steps, fast forwarding towards an  adult's extreme diet when I was just 13. I didn't eat anything for a day. I still remember how proud I felt knowing I survived a whole day with nothing but water as my saviour.

When people would offer me food, I would deny it.

This action made me feel so good. I finally felt like an independent women, however, little did I know, I was slowly killing myself.

Months passed on, finally my sisters wedding arrived, where I dressed up like a pretty little princess. On the outside, I looked different, fitter, thinner and prettier. I looked fulfilled but in the inside, I still felt the same aching hole, unfulfilled.

The best part was how people came over to me telling me how pretty i looked and my favourite question,

What's the secret diet?

As people's kept on giving me compliments, it motivated me to keep on losing more and more weight.

As I lost more weight, the aunties that told me to lose weight and stop eating would force me to eat a little more every time I visited them.

They acted so concerned. It confused me greatly.

I didn't understand them. How can they encourage me not to eat, then force me to do so later ?

Even though i was in my country, surrounded with a variety of delicious food, I controlled myself from reaching over and grabbing a piece. I did this by constantly reminding myself ,  that delicious meat has more calories to burn then it's worth it.

I would rather not eat then spend my whole evening trying to lose it.

One of the best ways to lose weight was to do every workout hundred times, before I would collapse on the floor, not knowing how to breathe.

This went on for atleast 2 more months.

Until I realised the damage I caused on my body. My hair started falling in a rapid speed, my period became abnormal, I started seeing blood in my stool (I know disgusting).

I finally decided to tell my mom about what was happening to my body. She freaked out, scolded and forced me to stop my diet no mater what. It wasn't healthy, I knew it, but I was addicting to the feeling of the aftermath.

One night, laying on my bed, the weight of my actions finally hit me full force. I was overwhelmed, thinking about the pain and self loathe, I made my body go through. What for ? Just because people couldn't accept the way I looked like? Just because they thought they had an opinion on my body?

I felt tears well up in my eyes, once I realised, how huge of an impact words have. They can literally change your life, affect your way of thinking and just completely change the light you see yourself in.

My journey of being body shamed started when I was 10, I decide to take action at the age of 13, today, a month ago, I just turned 15.

Now at 15, I have not fully recovered, I have yet to accept myself for who I am and stop letting people's words affect me so insurmountably ever again.

I haven't reached where I want to be, but I'm getting there. I'm walking the road of recovery, I'm slow, but atleast I'm still waking and haven't stop.

Today upon stumbling on this book, I knew it was fate, I had to voice out my struggles and tell youngsters like me and many more that recovering from a situation like this isn't easy, but it's not impossible.

It takes years to fully recover and move on. You just need to believe in yourself, love yourself for who you are, don't let anybody tell you who you should be.

And if you ever want to lose weight, lose it for yourself, not for others.

Lose it because you want to be healthy, make it a habit, not an addiction.

Don't fall in-love with the idea of how thin you can be! Fall in love with the healthier and glowing version of yourself!

Before taking a diet, search throughly, make sure you eat the right amount of healthy fats and carbs.

Don't just blindly not eat anything and Starve yourself, instead, eat the right way, for your skin to glow and hair to shine. Not for your bones to show.

Most importantly, believe, have faith in yourself, i did it, so can you!!

Be healthy, be happy.

I went through it, came out learning a lesson, so can you!!!
💌💫anonymous💫💌