If This Is How It Ends [FIN]

22

#ITIHIEnds22

Is it possible that you can be worried and angry and upset all the same time? Kasi honestly, that's what I'm feeling right now. It's November 3, and still, hindi ko pa rin nacocontact si Joachin. Hindi siya nakaonline sa mga social media niya. Nobody from our small circle of friends heard from him. He wasn't seen anywhere. It's like he just disappeared.

And seriously these forums na binabasa ko sa internet wasn't exactly helping either. I just posted lang naman na 'What would you do if the guy courting you didn't talk to you for days?' and then lahat sila sinasabing I was ghosted. I know it's November and most of the time equates to ghost month but Joachin wasn't dead yet para maging multo. I really hope he wasn't dead.

Padabog kong pinatay ang laptop ko and throw myself at the bed. Pinagmasdan ko ang puting kisame ng kwarto ko. Maya maya I rolled on the other side facing the wall where my cork board was nailed. Nagtagal ang paningin ko sa mga polaroids na nakapin doon.

How did you even manage to get me think about you a lot?

I sighed. I was overwhelmed by so many emotions right now. Ako lang ba ang nakakaramdam ng mga ganito? No one wrote a guide to get over these conflicting emotions. Wouldn't it make the world easy if people just knew how to deal with this kind of emotions?

"Adette." I heard Manang Lita calling me from the outside of my room. Tumayo ako mula sa pagkakahiga at binuksan ang pinto ng aking kwarto.

"Yes po?" I politely answered.

"May tao sa baba. Yung kaklase mong laging pumupunta dito. Pinaupo ko muna siya sa salas."

Joachin.

"Sige po. Pasabi pababa na po."

I watched Manang Lita go. Wala akong imik na dumiretso sa cabinet ko para kumuha ng maayos na tshirt saka lumakad papasok sa banyo. Matapos makapagpalit ng damit, tinignan ko ang sarili ko sa salamin.

He's here. What am I going to do?

Huminga ako ng malalim saka sinuklay ang aking buhok.

I descended from the stairs. I saw him seated on one of the single couches on our living room. Even without someone or something announcing my arrival, he always knew na I'm near. Nasa huling step palang ako ng stairs, lumingon siya and already caught my eyes.

We stared at each other hanggang sa makaupo na ako sa couch sa harap niya. Ilang sandali na walang nagsasalita sa aming dalawa.

If I would be honest with myself, I wanted to shout at him, to be mad at him, to demand his explanations or reasons why I hadn't reached him for three days. But none of that happened because I was just here staring at him, no words coming from my mouth. And if I could see my reaction right now, wala akong makikitang iba.

"Hi. May gift ka na ba kay Max?"

Matagal ko siyang tinitigan. I scoffed in my head. Joachin's really bad at any ice breakers.

Umiling ako. Nakipagtapatan ng tingin sa kanya, not leaving his eyes. I hope this might let him know na this conversation wasn't the one I was expecting to.

"You want to drive around? Let's buy him a gift." He sighed. Again, tumango lang ako.

He stood up, "I'll wait for you in the car." Yun lang ang sinabi niya saka siya lumabas.

Dali dali akong umakyat sa kwarto ko at nagpalit ng pangibaba. I settled for jeans and put on white sneakers. Hindi na ako nagabala pang magayos masyado. Kinuha ko yung cellphone ko at yung small bag ko na may lamang wallet at lip balm. I composed a small message to my mother and father na lalabas muna ako. I did not tell them na kasama ko si Joachin. Sinabi ko kasi sa kanila na nagout of town siya. I didn't want to lie but I didn't want to answer questions na hindi ko alam ang answer.