"Please, don't do this," tearful eyes look into mine. I never liked when she cried. I'm so used to her smiling and laughing and being bright. I know it's my fault she isn't, but I gotta get this off my chest.
"Pez-," I pause, trying to get my words out. I don't like that I'm hurting her, but it's what's best for us both.
"Why are you doing this? What did I do wrong? Please, tell me," tears were rolling down her face at this point. The sight nearly made the shard of a heart I have left fall out of my chest.
I take her face in my hands, cupping her cheeks as I look into her wet, dulling blue eyes.
"You haven't done a thing," I say to her gently. "Then why are you leaving me?" More tears flowed and I could feel my own dam breaking, but I bite my lip to stop it from doing so.
"Because you deserve better than me," I say regrettably. "I don't want better! I want you! I love you," she starts to sob and I instinctively wrap my arms around her.
She cries into my shirt with her arms around my waist tightly. I could feel just how much I'm breaking her heart right now.
And I feel like a dick for it.
"Pez," I say while tangling my hand in her blonde waves then massaging her scalp. It calms her down faster. "I don't want better," she repeats, voice rough with sadness.
"You deserve the world. I'm only holding you back."
"You're my world. That means I deserve you," she says with this desperate/hopeful look in her eyes. Usually, I'd find it cute, but given the circumstance...
"Perrie, you're making it harder for both of us," I sigh, trying my best not to give in to my emotions. Her shoulders slump and her face falls, new tears welling up in her, now gray, eyes.
I look away from her, biting my lip harshly and shaking my leg to distract myself. "Don't leave me, Y/N," she lets out a choked sob. I look back at her, seeing that she had her chin to her chest and her face covered by her hands.
I gently pulled them away and lift her chin until she was looking at me.
"I love you, Pez. But I can't love you the way you need to be loved. You gave your heart to me and I didn't know what to do with it. You need someone who does. I want you thoroughly happy, inside and out."
Her bottom lip trembles as she slowly shakes her head. "I also can't love you completely," I add. "Y/N," her broken voice says. I smooth my thumb over her soft bottom lip.
"But you said you were in love with me. You gave me what you could," she says in a whisper, something she does to prevent herself from crying more.
"I am, I really am. But just because we're in love doesn't mean we're right for each other," I say, the urge to cry coming back stronger. "You want me to make a home out of you, but I just can't. It's a homeless love, Pezza."
She shakes her head again, a fresh tear dropping from her eye and onto her shirt. I hold her chin between my fingers and leaned in to press a sweet, chaste kiss on her salty lips.
I feel her melt into me, holding onto my shirt tightly.
I could feel just how much she loves me, I've always felt it, but I know that the lack of love I give her is just gonna hurt her.
Given her history, that's the last thing I wanna do.
We stayed wrapped up in the middle of her living room floor, exploding emotions onto each other's lips. My face got a bit wet from her, but I didn't mind it.
She was the one to break away first.
"I love you, Perrie," I say, looking into her eyes. "I love you, too, Y/N. So bloody much," she says, biting down on her lip.
"I hope you find the one, I really do. I know it hurts for me to go, it's hurting me, too. I just don't want the inevitable to happen when it can be avoided."
She stays silent, looking down and her fingers.
"But," I start, causing her to slowly look up at me. My shard of a heart is hanging by a thread by now. "I will always be in your life. If not as a lover, then as a friend. That's only if you're okay with that. I mean truly okay."
She wipes her left cheek with her knuckle feebly then nods, "Okay." I reach up and clear the clear tracks from her beautiful face. "I'll always love you, Perrie Edwards," I start.
"I know I'm gonna end up hurting you in the future and I do not wanna do that. It's killing me, but it'll actually kill you. You're too pure and good to have heart like mine. I want you to still be able to love correctly. You gave so much for me, this is me giving back to you."
She nods sadly, but I know the second I walk out, she'll break down.
"I love you, too," she says in barely a whisper. I know she's all cried out for now. I wrap her in my arms tightly for the last time before leaving her flat.
This is necessary.
This is for her wellbeing, even if it hurts us both in the end.
———
