[Minjoo]
She said no... she doesn't want to be my girl friend...
Did I do something wrong? I feel so bad right now. Which reason could make her saying no to this question...
Perhaps because of our parents and her fears but she does not have to be afraid! I told her why and that I'll make her fears to disappear.
I don't understand it... she loves me and I love her so why would she say no to me?? I am just so sad.
"W-why no?" I asked
I am really afraid of her answer. What if it is going to be a heartbreaking answer? Can't she just say yes to this question. We love each other, that is a very good reason to say yes..
"I am just still fearing about everything. I mean, I could say yes. But what if everything turns bad and we have to break up on a really painful way? I don't want that. Let's start something after this shit sees an end positively. Please understand me minmin." She said
"Why should I understand you if you don't understand me??" I said
She looked at me with a confused face.
"What do you mean??" She said
"Did you ever think about how I feel? You tried to run away, you tried to go away, you are full of fears even I told you that you don't have to fear, you think of your own fears but did you ever think about me? Have you ever thought about how I felt with all of this things? Don't you really wonder about how I feel? About my pain? About what I think? I always think about you. I do everything that you can feel better... but you? You just only do things which are advantages for you. I know you love me but loving only isn't enough. I never had a relationship but I know a lot about love with all my experiences from love dramas and books. Chaewon, I'm really sick of your behaviour... can you one time think about me? About MY feelings? You know, this no hurt a lot. But you are Chaewon, you do things which are advantages for you. I know you can be caring a lot. There were a lot of times you protected me because you knew how I feel. But now I think you did this only for you. This is so selfish from you and it hurts a lot. In addition, the yes from you would mean that you mean it serious with me and it makes sure that you want to be with me. That you're mine and I'm yours. That we are meant for each other. That our love has a meaning.... sadly this yes never came from you." I said
She is speechless now... I expected this.
"Please think about my feelings one time.. and it is just sad that you even can't say something because I'm right. Sleep lonely today and think about what I said to you."
Here in this room is a couch so I went to it to lay on it. I don't look to her but I can hear how she is crying but she tries to hide it. Now I feel bad for my words... but I should stop. She has to feel bad now...
After a while, I felt cold what made me to tremble. My eyes were closed and I suddenly felt that someone covered a blanket on me.
I hear a voice... it is Chaewons voice
"I am so sorry. Even you sleep, I said no because I didn't want that YOU feel more pain than me if this sees a bad end. I'm sorry that I seemed like someone who doesn't care about you. I know I'm selfish and I do the most of things for me. This time I try to do things which are better for you. I ran away to my uncle for you. I wanted that you can build a new family with my mother and your father because you deserve a family. I know how it is to not have a family. Even I'm ok with my family members, I lost the feeling of having a family. So I wanted that you can have a normal family. I only would disturb the plan if I'd be with you. I cared about you a lot. I only think of you. My fears are only about you. I fear about that you feel the most painful feeling because of me. I don't want you to feel pain. You only deserve to be happy and I always think I destroy your happiness someday. I sometimes think 'I wish I wouldn't exist so you could be happy'. You know, because my mother hit me so bad that I had to go to the hospital, my family is separated. My father is since this day so ignorant to me because he's afraid of looking into my face. Only because of me, this happened. I always thought because of this 'why do I exist?'. Without me, this wouldn't happen. And without me, Subin would still live. And now... without me, you wouldn't have these problems.. I can't tell you this while you're awake because I'm just a weak shit. I'm so sorry for hurting you. I have never wanted to hurt you. I can't sleep... I just stay up now. I just can't sleep without you. I miss it to be in you arms or having you in my arms." She said
I immediately opened my eyes and stood up
"Wait- you were awake all the time??" She said
"Chaewon..."
To be continued
