Leave you wanting more

Chapter 20

"Lorraine." Lucas asks me which brings me back to reality.

"I'm sorry, I was spacing out." I say, taking a bite of my ice cream.

After ending things with Colton, I wallowed in self pity for a few hours before heading back to school.

Lucas came and picked me up and took me to ice cream. Which is where we are right now.

"Is ice cream not doing the trick?" He asks.

"Not really."

"Well there are a lot of things I can try and say to you to make you feel better." He says softly. "And I can if you want." He clarifies, "but I think it's clear that what I say might not do much, because you need to believe it yourself."

I nod my head.

We continue sitting in silence.

"It's not just about Colton and Logan." I say breaking the silence.

He smiles softly, "I figured."

"I just..." I grunt in frustration, "it's just for the longest time I thought I was happy and okay, but then all my insecurities creeped in and I over think every interaction, every argument, and every mistake I've ever made."

He doesn't say anything, knowing I just need to just vent.

"I feel everyone sees me as perfect, but I'm far from it. They look at me and see responsible, organized, smart, and everything comes so easy for me. It's not true. I have to try so hard to keep up that appearance all the time."

I look down. "I feel like everyone expects me to be a certain way, even if it's not true. And then I think about Logan, like what did I do to make him think he can tear me down like that? What is it about me that made him change into such a dick?"

I take a bite of my ice cream before continuing. It's like a dam breaking as I share with Lucas all my insecurities and deep thoughts.

"And the reason I'm always studying is because it's something I can control. I keep the anxiety at bay when I'm doing something. And I hate that I am so dependent on Caroline and Kristina." I say quickly, "and you." I say looking at him, "I feel like I am constantly bothering you guys.I tried all these things to go out of my comfort zone and they were fun, but at the end of the day, they didn't make me any more confident. I've failed. Nothing is enough. It's like I'm not meeting some imaginary expectation I make for myself. And no matter what I do– it's still not enough!" I groan my frustration, knowing I repeated myself.

I take a deep breath. "Okay, I think I'm done... for now." I smile embarrassed.

"I didn't know you felt and thought all of that." He says softly, probably trying to process my word vomit.

"Come on, I'm going to take you somewhere." He says standing up and offering me his hand. I grab it and follow him to the car.

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We've been driving in silence for close to 20 minutes. It's not awkward though, it's soothing.

I don't ask where we're going, because I don't care. The scenery passes by through the window. The trees blowing in the wind, the sun shining through the window, the white fluffy clouds in the sky. All beautiful things that make me feel, at this moment, less out of control.

It isn't until he pulls into a small parking lot in what seems like the middle of nowhere do I break the silence.

"I know you aren't going to kill me... so are we burying a body or something?" I tease him.

"Ha. Ha." He says sarcastically. "Come on." He says getting out of the car.

"Why are we here?" I ask as I get out of the car.