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chapter seven: real and imaginary date: 15th february, 2020
☽ ☽ ☽
josh wondered whether it was normal to think of friends in not-so-friend-like situations. maybe, he hoped, it was normal to let your mind wonder; to wonder how certain things would feel.
of course, he doesn't think like that though. at least he won't admit to it. who would need to fantasise when you have freya as a beautiful girlfriend?
these were all the thoughts going through josh's brain when he lay in bed, the golden sunset hollowing through the window, it's shine moulded into the shape of buildings that where blocking its rays.
josh was laying with arms tapered to his sides on the twin-sized mattress that him and freya were only just small enough to fit on.
the orange colour of the burning sun was glowing onto freya's face as she leaned on the frame of the bathroom door, brushing her teeth lazily.
it was only 7pm, far too early to go to bed, but freya got sleepy quickly, and josh had too much heart to let her go to bed on her own. most of the time, she'd go to sleep with her boyfriend's arms wrapped around her: after an hour he'd unravel himself and come back later when he was tired.
freya's eyes were half-closed, both out of exhaustion and squinting because the light was in her eyes. she gazed at josh lovingly, as typically a spike of contentment came over her before she went to sleep.
josh loved her for this; freya didn't tend to show a lot of affection, but when it came to this time, as her mind was fogged with fatigue, she would let out all her true feelings. the blonde would tell josh how she adored him, that she appreciates him, and she would snuggle her face into his chest as if he was her favourite place in the world.
josh enjoyed this time of the day too; theres nothing better than feeling loved by someone else.
the boy dragged himself up from the bed, drawing over to the bathroom, where freya had went to spit out her toothpaste. she smiled endearingly when she caught sight of him in the mirror.
sluggishly, the girl stumbled over to her boyfriend, wrapping her thin arms around his torso. he did the same, grinning down at her whilst he rubbed circles into her back.
freya hummed, keening her head up towards his with closed eyes and puckered pink lips.
the older boy connected their lips, breathing in the fresh, minty taste in her mouth, and feeling her step somehow even closer.
freya, to josh's annoyance, deepens the kiss, delving her tongue into his mouth joyously. josh has to stop himself from sighing as he returns her actions, it felt like a routine as they did this each night and he didn't have the energy to match his girlfriends passion.
in a spot of boredom, josh foolishly lets his mind wonder again. he imagines what it would feel like kissing over people, namely harry.
he doesn't quite know why his mind goes to harry, yet it does. soon, he can't stop himself from thinking; he thinks about harry's plush red lips, how they would feel soft and silky against his own, how they would taste like caramel on a brisk autumn evening.
he questions if harry would kiss him gently or drastically, with great experience or like he was freestyling the whole thing? he ponders how harry would look up at him, would his baby blue eyes be filled with lust or would they look at him with love?
josh can't stop thinking about him, he can't get rid of harry's image from his mind; freya's still kissing him, but he's not sure who he's kissing back at this point.
he blinks open his eyes and a wave of regret seizes him, blood red sirens sounding in his conscience.
why would he imagine that disgusting action? why would his mind be drawn into the sinful depths of kissing.. another man? harry of all people? he was disgusting. he was a disgusting f****t.
josh gasps, shoving freya off him with a little too much force. the blonde girl stumbles back, having to stop herself from falling over. "josh? what the hell was that?!"
the brunette exhales heavily, fingers twitching manically at his sides, "i-i dont know, sorry i just s-saw something that freaked me out.. must of been a spider."
"oh." freya purses her lips, reeling closer to him and smirking, "so, should we get back to it? that was the most passionately you've ever kissed me.."
contrary to freya's expectation, josh's face drops, he feels his heart plunge to his stomach.
"josh? are you okay?" freya asks concernedly, swaying over to him she places her palm on his cheek, "you're pale."
"ah yes, i think i need a breath of fresh air.." he reasons, backing out into corridor.
persistently, freya follows him, "are you sure you're okay? aren't you gonna come to bed?"
"no, not today.. sorry.." he breathes uneasily and before freya can get another word in he's gone.
josh didn't make it that far outside, only a few metres before he collapsed onto the dirty floor, clutching his knees to his chest and leaning his back on the wall.
he doesn't know what to do with himself, so he reverts back to his most basic instinct, the first thing he was ever taught to do. he prays.
he prays for god to forgive his vile thoughts, to forgive his atrocities of imaginations, and he asks that he can be saved from his own foul desires.
there's one thing he knows though; and that is that harry lewis is not good for him.
