Trials and Tribulations - [Bensler EO]

Part Eleven - Exposed

Olivia clamped down on her jaw to suppress the groan within her throat. Doctor Keller's fingers had barely touched the surface of the tender tissue when she had nearly jumped out of her seat. Her goal going in was to try to pretend it didn't hurt when really, it was agonizing. The devil on her shoulder told her that if she displayed the real pain she felt, her goal of being able to do the IVF cycle would become compromised. She was skating on thin ice as it was, she didn't want to give him any more of a reason to suggest against the procedure. But, alas, the pain outnumbered her and she caved. 

"Olivia," he started, his voice already showing his disappointment.

"It's fine. Your fingers are just cold," she lied. 

"My fingers aren't cold, and your infection is getting worse. We should've seen some improvement by now." he cocked his eyebrow the same damn way Elliot did when he knew he was right. 

She missed Elliot. Admitting that felt like saying the Lord's name in vain. She had been the one who had pushed him as far away as possible. Either to avoid the broken look in his eyes or to protect him from the devastation of the storm, she wasn't sure yet. 

She missed his mannerisms. 

"Can't we just..." she stopped to close her eyes and give a deep exhale. "I don't know. Raise the dose of the antibiotics? It's only been three days, how much could the antibiotics really have done to help in three days?"

Deception and deflection weren't her strong suits. Usually, it was Elliot's voice in her head telling her to do the right thing; fueling her instincts. At this point, her instincts were far gone enough to put her own health in jeopardy. 

She missed her instincts. The feeling of trusting her gut with whatever decision she made. He was the one who had instilled most trust in her potentially wild plans and actions. It took being without him for her to realize that he was her gut. He was the basis of her instincts and her faith in her choices.

He had her six. Always.

Why did it always have to be his voice in her head when she was in pain? Her conscience's voice had shifted, mimicking that of her partner's. He'd always held her when she was in danger or in pain. He caught her when she fell and picked her back up. She could hold her own hand if she truly needed to, but she couldn't stop herself from associating him with the comfort for her pain. She needed his instinct now more than ever, or better yet, for her own to return.

The battle hadn't even started and she was already losing herself. 

"I really think we're pushing it here, Olivia." Keller's voice broke her out of her reverie, disappointing her with the hopeless look on his face. He was a damn doctor, wasn't he supposed to be better at hiding that? "You're on pretty strong antibiotics as it is. We have to start looking at our options."

"No," she blurted out, her bottom lip quivering in fear. "No. Can't you switch the antibiotics? Or, or just wait and see for a few more days?" her words came out in a stumble, and even she knew she was reaching. The pain was only getting worse, but she hated being backed into a corner.