The Reaping goes by quickly, with Peeta stepping it to take the place of the male tribute before Haymitch can stop him. We're ushered onto the train - denied a goodbye to our loved ones. I am thankful for the goodbye my mother orchestrated in our kitchen last night because it assured me that Prim would be safe and looked after but, I can't help but feel heartsick that I will never be able to say goodbye to Prim herself, or Madge, or Gale. Those goodbyes will weigh heavy in my heart until the moment it stops beating.
Me and Peeta haven't been alone yet so I haven't had the chance to tell him of my discovery also brought to light by my mother. I am pregnant with his child. I didn't sleep for fear of the nightmares and with Prim curled up beside me I didn't want our last night together to be an eventful one for her. I dread to think what the depths of my mind will conjure up now that I've been forced to recognise something I feel I already knew in my heart for the past few weeks. I think I knew it when the first wave of nausea hit but the terror it stirred in my chest wouldn't let me acknowledge it. I fear that the terror will never let the words pass my lips, that I will go to my grave having never uttered a word of its existence.
Peeta takes my hand as I watch District 12 disappear out of the window of the train. When any sight of it is well and truly gone he guides me to the dining carriage where we find Effie and Haymitch already at the table. None of us says a word, the silence stretches out for so long its actually uncomfortable even with Peeta lovingly squeezing my thigh with his hand under the table every now and then. I struggle to clear my plate with every smell feeling a hundred times more intense than it did during the Victory Tour. I notice Haymitch watching me with a pained expression and can tell that he's figured it out. I decide to ignore him and focus on chewing each mouthful for long periods of time before I can successful force it down my throat.
"Anyone up for some wine! I know you never say no, Haymitch!" Effie breaks the silence somewhat suddenly as she ushers over an Avox holding a bottle.
"Why not, you only live once I guess" says Peeta in the cheeriest voice he can manage but seeming genuinely excited to have a glass of the expensive Capitol wine. We all choose to ignore the morbid layers of meaning behind his answer. "Katniss?" he gestures the bottle towards me. I consider it for a moment. I'm well aware that pregnant women aren't supposed to drink. But I don't consider myself a pregnant woman, rather a piece of the Capitols livestock being sent to slaughter so I accept the wine.
Just before the Avox begins to pour, Haymitch chimes into the conversation, "Are you sure about that?" he shifts in his chair clearly considering if he should divulge my secret.
"You've never been one to care much about other peoples alcohol consumption." I snap back at him as if warning him not to go there. I'm doing all I can to hold myself together and I know if he says one more word I will break. He seems to sense this and holds up his hands as he settles back into his seat.
The Avox pours me a glass of wine. I take one sip after clinking glasses with Peeta and Effie and then avoid drinking the rest. Filling myself with as much pink jelly as I can stomach as an excuse.
Me and Peeta spend the evening watching the footage from the previous Games, the ones in which our competition won. We find and watch Haymitch's which answers so many questions about him I didn't even know I had. Turns out he really is one of the smartest people I know. After we've consumed all of the tapes one by one we retreat to my bed and hold each other in the darkness. I consider telling Peeta about the baby but I can't summon the courage. Its not that I think he'll react badly. In fact I think he'll be more than happy. But I know once I tell him there won't be any chance of me keeping him alive in the arena and, when I inevitably die it may just break him to know our unborn child has been taken from him too. I decide to keep it to myself, to protect Peeta. God knows he doesn't need to feel the pain that has taken over my heart.
ESTÁ A LER
Catching Fire (reimagined: 18+)
FanficWhat if Katniss really was pregnant during the 75th Annual Hunger Games? This is a reimagined version of Catching Fire because we all know more happened on that train than Suzanne told us about.
