"Life is hard." I was in my car driving on my way to my friend, Ashton's apartment. He said he had a good movie to show. Wanted it to be a surprise. At first, I wasn't up to going, but I needed something after a long day at my job. After my shift, I went home, got out of my uniform and headed up to his apartment. I sighed. I could use some fun right now since we are in the middle of a pandemic. I sure hate this pandemic. Most places are still closed, and we must wear masks out. Bullshit. I wasn't a damn mask anyway. Worst part is, we must stay six feet apart. Six feet apart? Why so much? What about if we aren't sick? Damn quarantine. I'm surprised we're still open. About three million Americans filed for unemployment, but not me. The CDC is full of crap.
I turned down the road that lead to Ashton's apartment. I could still smell the work between my crotch. "Goddammit," I muttered. Utility work sucks. I work at a restaurant. We are one of the best ones here in Scofflaw. I used to be a cook. Cooking was good. But, unfortunately, a simple prank cost me job.
About a month ago, some vegan customer wanted one of those nasty meatless burgers. Me and some other cooks thought it would be funny to pull a prank. So instead of a veggie burger, I put in a regular patty. We snickered as watched the server take it out. However, about fifteen minutes later, we hear angry yelling, and we hear the customer cussing out our supervisor. He was going to drag our asses to court and drag us down to court. Finally, the manager came forward. He promised him free entrees for six months if he said nothing. Luckily, the customer agreed to keep his mouth shut. The other cooks agreed not to say anything either. About a week later, my supervisor pulled me in the office. Somehow, he knew about what I've done. He knew that I put the regular patty in on purpose. I tried to play dumb convince him it was an accident, but it was no use. After a harsh, but brief, lecture, he gave me two choices, I was going to get fired, or he would demote to a utility worker. I got to say, although being a utility worker sucks major ass, the prank was so worth the demotion.
Finally, I pulled in to Ashton's apartment driveway. I could see his black GMC Sierra parked. However, I saw him at his front door with three smaller children in his front porch. I could hear what he was saying.
"Just take this video and go back."
"But why can't we watch it here?" asked one of the kids.
"I got stuff to do here. My friends are coming over. Now go."
"What are you doing?"
"Don't worry about it. Okay?"
"But what if we catch the virus?"
Ashton sighed. "We've been over this put on your stupid little masks."
"It's called a..."
"I don't care! Now come on! One of them is already here!" Ashton snapped.
"Okay, but, us wizards, we'll..."
"Go!" Ashton shouted, and pointed that way.
I got out of my car just as the kids were leaving. When Ashton saw he smiled.
"Chris!"
"What's up?"
We walked in.
"Who are those kids?" I asked out of curiosity.
"That was my little cousin, Tyler, and his idiot friends," grumbled Ashton. "I was trying to keep him out of here so we can have our movie night. But no, they want to do their role-play shit. I don't want them ruining our night."
"Understandable. My little brother does that too. Kids these days."
Ashton laughed. I smiled. Ashton is one of my good friends, he's still with brown spiky-like hair. He's been a good friend of mine and we like to hang out.
"Jacob and Marcus are on their way. This is gonna be a fun night.
We sat down. Ashton reached in his pocket and took out a pack of cigarettes. He took one out, got his lighter and lit one.
"So, how's your girlfriend?" I asked.
"Anna? Oh, I dumped her." He blew out a big puff
"Why?"
"Dude, she's total vegan. She's super vegan, like I can't stress that enough."
"How?"
"Well, a month before we broke up, I bought her a really expensive fur coat that cost about eight hundred. She refused to wear it and went on about 'animal cruelty'. She even burned it in my face. So guess who lost eight hundred?"
"Damn."
"And then the bitch caught me eating a hot dog. She legit yanked it clean out of my hand and threw it in the trash. I've had enough of her.
"Oh, damn, sorry y'all broke up.
Ashton laughed. "Don't be." He emptied the remains of his cigar in an ashtray. "I'm free of that bitch. I can eat whatever I want, with no criticism. Vegan food tastes like shit anyway."
"You're telling me.: Then there was a knock on their door.
"I got it. That's Jacob and Marcus." Ashton stood up, put his cigars away and got the door.
About ten minutes later, we all gathered around in Ashton's living room. Ashton excitedly stood up.
"Alright, you guys, listen up. What I'm about to tell you is the most exciting shit you'll want to hear."
We all listened.
"You know that movie that was supposed to come out, Mass Killers: Uncut?"
"Yeah, didn't it cancelled or banned?" asked Jacob.
"It did but check this out."
Ashton reached under his DVD, and pulled a DVD cover, and unless my eyes were deceiving me, the title said.
"Mass Killers: Uncut!" we all cried at the same time.
"No way!" cried Jacob excitedly.
"Get out!" said Marcus.
"How the hell..." I said.
"Well," Ashton said, "You know how this movie was supposed to be released, but it got banned in this country due to its morbid content? Well, get this. I know a guy who knows the director of the movie. He had ten copies of this and let me have one for no charge! I've smuggled it under my TV and it's in a different title so that way, if it's found."
Ashton put the DVD in and we watched it together. But then, we noticed something wasn't right.
"Huh, the cinematography in this is strange," said Jacob.
"Why is it animated?" asked Marcus.
Ashton looked nervous.
"You sure this is the right video?" I asked.
"I-it should be!" said Ashton nervously.
"The production values are kind of interesting," I said.
"It ain't as dirty as I thought it'd be," said Marcus.
"This sort of looks like T..."
Suddenly. Ashton froze. "Oh, my God!" he cried. He got up from the couch and took out the DVD from the player.
"This isn't our movie! This is that PJ movie!" cried Ashton.
We were all confused.
"If this isn't our movie, then where is it?" I asked.
"I have no idea," said Ashton. "I think I...." Then Ashton hung his mouth open. "Oh God, no...That means...that means..."
"Means what?"
"The boys have the dirtiest comedy movie known to mankind."
