Heartstrings

Snippet 1- Mirror Mirror On The Wall

My life was pretty simple. I work as a teacher, helping small kids shape their lives. I have a loving family. A husband who adores me and two kids both teenagers. They can be difficult at times but I couldn't ask God for more. Growing up in poverty my life had many struggles. When I started working I wanted to make a home for my children, not just empty space but filled with love, dreams, happiness everything that they deserved. My daughter lived near her college and my son went to study in another town. My life was simple but perfect.

I don't remember the exact time it started. I noticed a small lump near my breast. Thinking that maybe it was normal I ignored it getting busy in the festivities of my school. I loved arts, music and even sports. Being over the age of 40 never stopped me. They were all part of my life. I liked being busy, helping my students to take part in extracurricular activities arranging various dances, speech programs, games for events, training them for the scholarship was tiring but seeing their smile when they won something, and sensing their confidence all made it worth it.

I didn't notice the lump growing but it started to concern me. I told my husband and the next day we visited the doctor. He checked it and his expression changed. He was vague but advised us to take a biopsy. That fateful day my life crumbled. It was breast cancer. We went to many doctors to get the diagnosis but they all said biopsies don't lie, a second biopsy showed the same result.

My world crashed, I wasn't afraid of death but leaving behind my husband and children was too much. I loved them with my life and I knew they did too. From that day on a cycle started. Endless appointments , gathering cash for the treatments and telling lies that everything would be okay. We didn't tell anyone just our close family when my husband said that we would have to tell the kids I refused. I wanted to spare them the pain as much a possible. Our daughter visited during weekends and it was hard to pretend everything was fine. Her smile kept me going, her warm happy hug reminded me that all was not lost, yet.

The doctors determined that an operation was a must. My entire left breast was to be surgically removed. The news hit me as hard as it could. The lump wasn't that big but they said it was safer that way. I stood in front of the mirror that day, seeing myself complete for the last time, after this I would lose a part of myself a part of my womanhood. It was hard to bear. I hid the pain away even from my husband he used to smile and I used to smile back. His hand trembled as he touched mine and he knew what I was going through.

My sister though saw through this facade that I had so carefully built and begged the doctors to find some other way. They said it was borderline tumor after chemotherapy and radiation the risk would lessen but there was still a risk. I decided to take the odds. Surgery day came and I prepared myself. The last thing that I remembered was my husband's lips touching my forehead. My daughter came, we had lied to her telling it was lipoma a very common lump of fat. She trusted us, didn't suspect a thing and I once more got lost in her loving eyes. My smile was wide, intact , unmoving I knew one day I had to tell her, she would notice my frailing skin, bunches of hair falling down as I went for chemotherapy but till then I wanted to be selfish, I wanted her smile. I came home and my mother in law took care of me. I would forever be indebted to her for the care and affection that she showered. We had our differences before but she too shed tears when she saw me.

My daughter came home one weekend and saw me, her smile faded and I knew the time had come. She was outraged that we had lied and tears in her eyes didn't stop. She held me close patting my back and I told her this is the last time she could cry. I didn't mind suffering what hurt me was seeing the suffering of my loved ones. I begged her to not change her routine I begged her to go back again and she went but I could see feel her aching heart. Surgery was tough but I had an even tougher path laid ahead of me.

The chemotherapy began and I started waking up with bunches of hair on my bed. I stood in front of the mirror again and saw the slowly balding head, I couldn't see myself like this so I shaved them all off. My body became weak, disabling me to do the simplest things. Getting up every day became tough. Food didn't stay in my stomach as I vomited after every meal.

I stood in front of the mirror again and saw a stranger peeking through. Bald without eyebrows, bones visible, part of womanhood gone, that shine in the eyes lost, ugly. I lost my confidence, I couldn't be anymore ugly. That day I cried, I cried a lot. I had been strong till then but that day I wept and exhausted I slept. My husband had to go to work and I was trapped daily in the web of my mind. I couldn't look at him, eye to eye, I was ashamed. I wondered if he still would love me, if he would still find me attractive after all this, wondered if I would be normal again. I walked down and saw the pity in people's eyes. They stared at me and I wanted to cover myself and hide.

Countless thoughts plagued my mind, my body was weak hardly supporting itself but the assault of the therapies went on. I was forbidden to do things that I loved the most. To taste the tang of my favorite chaat. To enjoy the cool ice cream or to play my favorite sport. I was confined to my house, tired, lost, and hopeless. I never saw my husband cry but one day I saw him holding my daughter and crying. I wondered if I could see her grow, be successful, in her wedding dress would I be able to hold my grandchildren, or would the disease plaque me again stealing all my moments. I could see them suffer and I wished God death.

She saw me through the creek of door, and held my hands and I let my tears drop. This was the only second time I let myself lose, but I hadn't realized until then that my baby had become a woman now. Strong woman. She kissed my cheeks and when I hid under her gaze she told me I was the most beautiful woman on earth, I laughed sarcastically and she placed my hand on my heart.

"Mumma, you are beautiful, look back Mumma, look back at the struggles you faced, look back how far you came, look how good you think about others, look back and see how many little lives you changed " and I hugged her closer, my daughter had become my mother consoling me lile I was a child and caring for me , getting all my responsibilities done whenever she could. I let our tears mingle. I was grateful for my family's supports. For the endless sleepless nights that my husband stayed awake caring for me. For his eyes always looking at my soul. For those infinite times when I was depressed, irritated, and angry when he held me saying this time will pass. My younger son didn't know about this and he wouldn't know till all this ended. It will be a story for him not a part of his life.

After all, it passed all my struggles buried I see life through different eyes. I don't wait for things to happen now, I make them happen. This is my bonus life. My earlier life I spent fending for my family, I want to live a little now. The sun seems a little brighter and the winds seem more fragrant. I value every little thing knowing that I almost lost it. I used to ask God why me, but now I know how strong I can be, how powerful love is, and how scarce opportunities are.

They say cancer changes people it has certainly changed me. I have emerged out more confidently than ever. Flaunting my small hair to standing up for myself to understanding the people in front of me better. I never thought it would be a chapter in my life but surprisingly all I remember are the good things. When I was at the hospital I saw women going through the same ordeal as me, scared just like me, worried just like me and we were each other's support and even now we are. Cancer taught me that it was ok to be disappointed, it was ok to be broken-hearted but it's never ok to give up. We all have an inner strength that we don't recognize but life throws us surprises sometimes terrible surprises but we emerge stronger.

-- SM
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This story is especially close to my heart as this is the story of my mom. This was an especially tough time for us an an family.When I told her that I wanted to do something to help others she was overjoyed and I wanted to dedicate my first story to her.

I hope many people feel inspired by it. I was inspired by her strength and courage. If you want me to write your snippet text me or post on my wall.
I love you all and you are beautiful no matter what the world says.