Heartstrings

Snippet 5- The Girl With A Bright Smile

       Dear Insecurity by Gnash was playing on the radio.

        Abruptly, my mind delves into the memories and pulls me 15 years back. The early days of my childhood were really happy.  I had beautiful black hair, dark brown eyes which were so dark that they were almost black. I was a lively, happy, playful, and outgoing kid. I loved climbing trees, the tall and the denser ones, loved cycling my way from the puddle of mud during monsoon with my friends making the water splash sideways, I loved watching waterfalls and always made sure I had my waterfall trips every monsoon. I loved my life, I was carefree, had friends who enjoyed my company. But the memories did not just reminded me of my sweet childhood days but also the bitter ones.

       My eyes wash over with pain as I so effortlessly count the days that are undoubtedly the worst days of my life. I was so much full of love back then but now I have set up walls so high and strong that no one would cross them, long lengths of boundaries all around me which are so unwelcoming that people get depleted by the efforts to break them and leave. A small sad smile creeps on my face, the once happy eyes now empty. Had I known when it started, I would have stopped it right away but how would  I, I was just a small kid with big dreams and pockets full of love.

        I am reminded of the hands, mouths, and the minds that killed my naive, innocent body and mind. You can say that I did participate in my own sexual abuse because I was too young to know what he was doing. Whenever he used to enter my house, I just wanted to run so fast and not stop until I reached Antarctica. I was very young and I don’t remember much. He was my father’s friend's son. His parents would ask him to go play with me while my parents were busy having a chat with his parents. He used to pinch my delicate private parts, he used to kiss me forcibly. I remember the mouth that bite me so hard that it used to hurt and all of this was done while he was pretending to play with me. I remember crying and begging mercy. But it was just a game for him. I was so haunted by all of this I used to wet my bed. Things never stopped at one sexual abuse. I was abused by two other people too. How could this happen to me thrice and still I did not realize what was happening? I did not know what was being done to me. I was too young, too paralyzed at the moment to even breathe. I skipped breathes while typing this. That's the immense trauma that comes with sexual abuse. But it didn't end there.....

      As humans, we fear change. We want to be as stable as reluctant as we can ever be. But isn't life a series of changes. So life took unexpected turns and with turns came changes. I had to move to a new house. I lost my neighborhood friends and my old life all at once. As a child losing my friends was a lot to take in, but I didn't know there was more to come. The next thing I knew, I also had to change elementary school and go to a new middle school in a different area with different curriculum and things started changing so fast that I had no control over them. All the things I loved the most were lost, one by one everything slipped past me. I mourned my lost life for days and one fine morning I finally decided that I had to move on. That day was the day of my entrance exam for the new school. I was someone who had so much to offer, so many hopes and aspirations, I  started loving the school right from the moment I entered. Because you see all I ever knew was to give- LOVE. I scored the highest marks and got admission right away. The first couple of months were doable. I didn't have many friends in that school. Just some girls with whom I  shared some space and time, in class, during lunch hours, and while commuting. It took me a while to adapt to the new situation. A new school, new children, new teachers, the new surroundings. I was doing well, I was polite, innocent and I still had a 'childish'  streak in me.

    I started finding my ground in the school, just when I started to settle down to call this school proudly as my own things started to worsen. I started getting linked to someone from 10th grade and I did not even know this person existed. I had no idea as to why seniors were all up in my face teasing me and calling me names. I was just in 5th grade. It was a delicate age, and being continuously teased after someone, bombarded with comments and remarks was really hurtful.

       In 6th grade, I got myself a haircut from a salon for the first time and she ended up giving bangs to me. I was scolded and humiliated because I had bangs even though other girls had them too.In the PTMs, my best friend's parents were told that I am a bad company and that they should not let their kid stay with me for absolutely no reason at all. In the corridors, I was being made to deliberately fall by trying to pull my skirt and my legs. But somehow, teachers were all blinded to all this, I was always the troublesome child. So of course I got all the punishments.

        In 7th grade, everything came crashing down. Puberty happened and with it came the urge to groom. For the first time, I asked my mother to apply kohl in my eyes and some shimmer on my eyelids because I was attending a reception party in the evening. Naive me had no knowledge of removing makeup. So I slept with the kohl and shimmer. It was school day next morning, I washed my face but somehow I couldn't get the makeup off completely. I was getting late so I decided to roll with it. The moment I entered the bus all of the students started throwing papers on my face and giggling like I am some clown. Each and every one. It didn't stop for a week. I was getting slapped for no reason being called names for no reason being bashed for absolutely no reason. Nasty things used to be written on the blackboard about me. All of it just broke me down further.

    I think the years I spent in this school were just a series of things happening without a reason to me, meant to degrade me into my inferior self. I didn’t know why I was treated this way, what had I done for these people to be slapped, shouted, and punished for no reason. Why was I discriminated against? What was I doing wrong? I was barely holding myself together. There was not a  trace of any growth or peace in me and my soul.  My conscience just wanted a reason, just an answer to Why me?

Somehow things were taking a turn for the worse.I was getting accused of fake signing and my parents were called. I was made to sit on the floor for an entire month.

        Every teacher would bully me in their own way. Some would tear my pages, humiliate me in front of the whole class and some guy complained that my other books are also fake. I had signed them and the teachers started tearing them for that reason, no one believed me. My hard work was torn down to pieces. My class teacher dragged me to the corridor and slapped in front of the whole school and yelled that I was taking advantage of the fact that I am a single child and that I go the secluded places with boys when there was clearly a girl with me. After hearing such complaints even my parents gave up on me. I stopped going to school for that year. I just went to give the exams. My teacher told my father at the last PTM that it was my company that wasn't good. That literally set me on the lowest point of my life. Before I knew what was happening I was shifted to the only school I consider my ALMA MATER. Things only got better in this school. Got better, for better. The worst part of all of this is I did not even have the courage to open up about it.

     Even as an adult my childhood had left scars deep in my heart, I hide this part of me. The world sees me as a laughing girl who has a great sense of humor but I still wonder what was the fault of that 5th grader to be treated that way by the people who are supposed to help her, her peers. The people who right things from wrong turned that little girl down. She was left alone so many times when she needed a friend, a teacher, a parent. Each day that little girl had to face the sneers, the nasty comments, the humiliation of everyone around her, and the light in her eyes could only get dimmer. A child who could be so much more has scars now just because some people were bored with their and wanted amusement.

  - You Know Me

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She is such an amazing person that when I heard the story I could not believe that she has done through so much. Thank you so much for sharing and taking the efforts to write the entire story. She has written it so well that I hardly made any changes. I know how much it must have hurt you to open up, but now people will see the complete you. You have so much love to share and I know that firsthand. Thank you so so much.

Bullying is something that we see so commonly but we don't realize that it hurts so much especially when we are just kids. It leaves scars of a lifetime. I cannot feel enough for people who are sexually abused. It's really a shame. Instead of opening up, so many people have kept it hidden from their loved ones. If only we would open up, we could punish the people who do this heinous act.

Once again I want to thank you all for taking your time out to read. If you want to share your snippet you know the drill. Vote, comment , share. Let the snippet reach someone that needs it.