Heartstrings

Snippet 6- Colours Of The Rainbow

     I was born in Bataan, Philippines. Throughout my childhood and even when I was a teen, I had this constant nagging question. What's wrong with me? I found myself asking the same question again and again, but no proper answer came back. As a child I saw my peers- girls playing with barbies and makeup, and boys running around wild, holding cars. Now when I go back and think about it, society has this specific line drawn up since ancient times.

       It's a boy!! It's a girl!! the doctor shouts even before you take your first breath, and the identity of your gender is stamped on your birth certificate. This line is a little blur when we are kids; but it grows into a wall as we get older. 'Boys aren't supposed to do this'. 'You are a girl, act like one'. These short phrases are so common that we stop noticing them, we stop classifying them as wrong. There is always Romeo and Juliet, Adam and Eve, have you ever heard of a story that included the love of two women, even of two men in our textbooks? Most of our society still considers homosexuality, LGBTQ as a sin. And then there are the people saying 'I'm ok with it unless its someone from our family and unless we have to talk to them'. Sometimes these people are part of our families, forcing you to fit in the rigid box that society made, even if that meant forcing their own child to change into someone they're not.

      I was no different. I was also among the people who were too afraid to come out fearing the reaction of their family, worrying about what other people would think. Who could you blame for the negative comments and bullying that scours over the net, after anyone takes up the courage to come out are terrifying enough? Growing up you get certain looks, double-takes from people categorizing you as different. You try to fight those feelings, your emotions, fearing people will notice, the same people who you may not even meet a second time in your life. You have to suppress your emotions, lock them away just so that you are valid for society.

       I too, tried to suppress my feminine side, and it caused a lot of frustration and anxiety. I didn't feel complete. It was a constant struggle between my body and my mind. When you finally decide to give in, a whole new battle starts. I was relentlessly bullied by my classmates. The people who called themselves my friends slowly abandoned me, not wanting to be called 'the queer's friend'. Right when I was grappling with this turmoil, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. Seeing life seep out of her and wipe her beautiful smile away was one of the toughest moments of my existence. It was a hard time for our family, and especially for the 9 year old me. In 1990, after my mother's passing I moved to Victoria, Canada to live with my father and his new family. You know when you want someone to understand what you are going through, but when you raise your head, all you can see are the judging eyes of people. When my father came to know, he abused me, physically, emotionally, and mentally. There is nothing worse than seeing the disappointment in the person's eyes who gave you birth, who is supposed to love you, all parts of you. It turns out the love of our parents is also based on stereotypes. It hurts. 

         When I finally came out of this, finally fought through the dark tangled web in my mind; when I finally realized that I have the right to exist, to be who I am, to be happy, people stopped considering me as a person. Many of my acquaintances may not know this, but I was sexually abused by my relatives. Not once or twice, but for 5 years. The stains that such a heinous act leaves on your heart cannot be washed away. The trauma leaves you haunted for life. These are the people who we are supposed to trust. These are the people whom I leaned to for support and for strength, and these are the people who saw me as nothing but a toy with which they could play with - even if it meant breaking me.

       Being young and vulnerable is never easy. But when you are suddenly in a new environment, when you are under peer pressure, the oppression of your parents, the hurtful remarks that you hear, and the fact that no one even tries to understand what you are going through, makes simply existing harder. For a long time, I was constantly overthinking, as I was gripped with fear, guilt, and shame. I tried to please everybody, but nothing seemed to change. All I needed was a tiny voice saying that it will be okay one day...but the voice never came. It was hard listening to people tell me that this was just a phase, the noise of adulthood, just the teenage hormones.