Many people misunderstand OCD, OCD is not limited to the urge to straightening things, to cleaning objects, of getting things symmetrically correct. In fact, these are the symptoms, the compulsive traits arising due to the obsessive thoughts. There is a stigma surrounding OCD patients, people laugh saying what's your problem, the uneven pizza slice is not going to kill you. They fail to understand what's underneath these actions, the root of these behaviors, the repetitive thoughts. We act that way because rechecking things, correcting, or arranging objects reassures us. Makes us at ease.
Imagine you had a nightmare. And you wake up, but the nightmare keeps repeating in a continuous cycle in your mind, you know it's not real, you know it's baseless but still, you can't seem to get away from it. Over and over again the same nightmare plays in your mind, even when you are having a happy moment even when you are at your lowest. And over and over again you get scared, terrified because the nightmare seems so real, this nightmare doesn't consist of dragons and monsters, it consists of your greatest fears threatening to come alive any moment, that's what it feels like to have OCD. To be gripped by your own thoughts that don't know when to stop. The thoughts keep on repeating like a movie stuck in the same scene over and over again. And over and over again you have to experience the same anxiety, the same doubts, the same gnawing problems and over and over again you have to drag them out to focus on what's in front of you. For everything you did, for everything you are going to do, your brain selects the worst possible outcome, and forms a loop repeating endlessly till you are reassured that your fears are just your fears they did not come true.
The voices in your head don't stop and this results in anxiety, agitation, repetitive movements, guilt, fear, depression, and even panic attacks. Every little thing, every tiny word, every small action is overprocessed, and you can do nothing to make it stop. The unwanted thoughts, images and urges simply refuse to go away even after ordering your brain to quit.
Even when I was a child, I was an overthinker, an over processor. I cared a lot about people, kept on checking on them because I wanted to console myself that my friends, my loved ones are safe and sound. I used to self doubt a lot. In every step I took, in everything I did. Especially because of my skin color. If I said something hurtful I would be filled with guilt and then I had to be assured that the person wasn't hurt, that he or she won't leave me. Even a small change from my set plan used to cause a lot of anxiety, eventhough it was as small as taking a bus instead of auto to reach somewhere because then there is a new set of worst outcomes to be formed and then I wasn't ready to face them.
The only thing I had in my control were my studies. That was the only thing that I didn't need to think twice about because I knew the exact outcome every time. So I flung myself in books, excelling academically. It made me feel better, that was the only thing I wanted. When we had to give an entrance exam for the career that I wanted I thought to myself, this is it, I can do it. So I distanced myself from social life, so I gave up everything. When girls my age were having trips and get-togethers enjoying their youth, I was studying through the day and night, I gave it my all. I worked hard, I focused only and only on my studies and I was doing well. It made me extremely happy, that my hard work was paying off . But two months before the exam the situation changed.
January hit me hard. Even after trying I couldn't focus, the same unwanted thoughts plagued me. I felt restless, aimless. Starting doubting myself again. Lost all my confidence, I tried talking to my parents but they didn't understand what was happening. I didn't give up though, I still went on, but somewhere my own mind was betraying me. My own mind was pulling me back from the thing that I wanted so much, for the thing that I had shed my blood and sweat, and sacrificed everything. I didn't know why I was repeating my own answers, why I was getting anxious even in simple situations. I gave my exams in that unstable state.
I didn't get the score that I wanted. I was devastated, I had worked so hard but I couldn't get in, I had to settle for a lesser career option. Later I realized I had OCD and I was under depression. I'm afraid to tell people I have OCD because people judge one way or another. Ocd has crept into my life slowly and took away something that was very dear to me. But Ocd won't go away now, there's no cure. I have to deal with it my entire life.
It's not easy when your heart really wants to do something but it has to battle with your mind first and win the battle to achieve it. Your own mind is your enemy, it's your arch nemesis. It's not easy when your own mind forms thousand of obstacles that you have to cross and then you have to cross the obstacles of your real life too. It's not easy when while talking with someone you have to watch your every word, because a single nasty word would throw you in a well of guilt. It's not easy when you care too much. It's not easy when people don't understand you. It's never easy to take the risk that you want to take. It's never easy when you have to fight yourself. It's never easy when you have to find a way through your own cluttered labyrinth.
I feel certain things are just meant to be, sometimes you may try very hard but the outcome may be different than what you expected. I feel God has his own plans, you just need to have a little faith. Though I haven't got the career that I so desperately wanted, I feel I will end up with something better than what I planned. Because even though I have OCD, I'm not weak, and I won't lose my battles. I'm will be stronger than my mind if I have to be and I would defeat myself if I have to.
---- Anonymous
***********************************
Fighting a battle with yourself, wow I can't imagine how hard that must be. It's so easy to criticize someone, but it's so hard to understand the same person. To feel that person's pain and emotions. Something that may be a piece of cake for you can be so much harder for someone else.
Thank you, for sharing your story. It made me feel that we know too little about the person in front of us and we form judgments too quickly. It's truly a beautiful yet simple story. Thank you for trusting me with a chapter of your life. I hope you achieve all that you ever dreamed of.
For anyone who wants to submit your own special snippet. Send me a message, post on my wall, ping me. All snippets are welcome. Vote, share a comment. Ciao until next time.
Although I have changed the status to complete, anytime I get a new story I will be updating it.
YOU ARE READING
Heartstrings
Short StoryHeartstring is a book that you read right before you sleep or when you have woken up. It's a book that lays by your nightstand, a book that you can always go back to . It's a book that will make you feel, act, and see things differently. Heartstring...
