To My Dearest Stardust, To My Dearest Moony - Fenrys' Mate

Chapter 10 - The Mask I Use To Hide

(Honestly still slightly pissed at Sarah since I found out the sanskrit translation of Arobynn is literally Strong, Fire-Heart but this isn't about me.)

Aelin

Fire was roaring through my veins and burning at my throat, pumping a heavy silence through my head. Nobody had dared move, I'm not even sure if Lyssandra was breathing, Rowan certainly wasn't. Aedion had pulled Lyssandra tight into his chest, like she was one wrong move away from shattering.

"Arobynn Hamel is dead." She muttered, so quietly I thought she was trying to convince herself more than she was trying to convince Fenrys. "Arobynn Hamel is dead!" Lyssandra's scream was deafening, I could see Fenrys wince at the resolution.

He had deserved it. That hadn't needed much convincing. With every breath he had been taking for ten years, he had been signing his on death warrant. It started with Sam. The sweetest, most loving man. The person to teach me that even Celeana Sardothien could be loved. An assassin bread for the gore and torture. Had shown me love even then. We'd had each other when we had nothing. 

Sam was gone. So Arobynn had paid the price. For that and so many other things. Yet still he was damning us even when he was six feet underground in a fucking wooden box where he belonged. Was it him that had condemned my family? 

Deep down I was sure it was, but that small dark corner in my mind kept reminding me of Celeana Sardothien. That she was just as much to blame as he was.

I slammed the door on that thought shut and locked it with a dozen bolts.

"I know, I know." He cooed softly, realising that this was not a topic to be taken lightly, even if he wasn't aware of whom he was talking about. How much pain he had brought to myself and Lyssandra and... and Sam. "But what do you know of him?"

"Arobynn Hamel was the King of Assassins in Rifthold, perhaps the continent for little over a decade." Rowan had shut himself off from the pain, I could sense it. He would treat this like any other business because we couldn't all be swept blindly into the past- and perhaps our future would depend on it. "Lyssandra murdered him as he slept and Aelin got the money from the will. What does this have anything to do with you, kid?"

"What do you know of him before Aelin was found on the river bank? Only because I don't think that's where his story started." Dorian clasped a hand on his shoulder lightly, gently persuading him to proceed. "I did some digging before... well, you know. Anyway, before all that I found out about everyone in the guild, including a certain lady Clarisse DeVency."

I kept my eyes on Lyssandra watching every flicker of her eyes and every bead of sweat that appeared on her forehead. I wasn't even sure when I started shaking. Perhaps as soon as Fenrys opened his mouth to spurt the ungodly amounts of deep shite that had been creeping towards us for too long with absolutely no detection.

"What does she have to do with anything?" Aedion still had his grasp firmly on Lyssandra and repeatedly sending questioning glances my way, I couldn't control the bafflement that was plastered across my face.

"Well, before Aelin and Lyssandra were taken into the guild, there was an affair. One of which involving said Arobynn Hamel and Clarisse DeVency. It was years before the world went to shit and Orynth fell, but... they had a child.  A child not much younger than yourself, Aelin. That's how Clarisse knew you had forged the will, but could never prove it without giving up that tidbit of information. This... having this kept back meant they could keep the wool over all of our eyes. I could wager that that's how the previous King of Adarlan found out about Lyssandra.  Sounds like this particular storm has been brewing for a very, very long time."

Fenrys

A blonde bouncing boy slammed through the door. Gods he was practically the mirror image of Rowan with his forest green eyes and his broad smile, besides the golden hair that was cropped short. Lorcan should probably take notes. That must mean... Sam Galathynius Whitethorn was jaw dropped upon entering the room and seeing the amount of commotion and tension that hung heavily in the air. He must be fifteen by now.

"Uhm... mum, Luna's awake and she said she'll rip my tongue off if I don't get her some food. So... I'll just be getting out of your hair now." The poor lad had his arms overfilled with pastries and snacks he'd no doubt stolen from the kitchens. It had me chuckling in spite of everything. Sam very much had the cheek of Aelin and most likely the snacking habits too. A warmth filled my chest at the overwhelming fondness I could feel spread through the room.

"Sam, are you not going to say hello to Fenrys? He is your godfather afterall." Rowan was biting back a laugh at the revelation. My jaw unraveled like a scroll, bounding across the floor, telling the story of every second and every notion swimming through my head, and they were all reading it like their favourite damned book.

Sam waved shyly from the doorway and disappeared back round the corner as suddenly as he had arrived. Godfather?

Finally!

I couldn't stop the grin that was hooked from ear to ear as I stumbled almost blindly getting more and more giddy every second. They hadn't told me that in the damned letter they'd sent after his birth. The poor kid hadn't even met me and I was gone... though so clearly not forgotten. My heart barely fit in my chest.

I watched almost in a daze as everyone slowly departed from the room, Aelin and Rowan going to check on their children and everyone else finding something important to do. All except Yrene, who lingered behind giving a warm smile before shuffling out of the hall.

I was alone. Utterly alone with my thoughts as I sank into the nearest chair, slumping my head onto the table, shaking with so much pent up emotion and sobbed. Seventeen years. For seventeen years I had feared that everyone would change, that nobody would need me if I could ever return. And in a way everyone had changed.

Though another fear was starting to settle in the shattering silence that ached in my every bone. That maybe I was more scared of myself changing than everyone else. That tomorrow, they'd all wake up and realised that bottomless void that was left inside. That they wouldn't want me anymore. They had survived without me. They'd lived without me. When I knew I couldn't without them... knew I hadn't without them.

Another day had just brought more suffering, more pain, more torment. More death and utter destruction that I had wrought upon innocent lives. Men... Women... Children. The subservient, mindless servant. I had lost a part of my existence in the war against myself.

Every step I had taken away from Terrasen, I had been closer and closer to losing myself and worse. Losing everyone I had ever loved. Everyone that I had learned to love, let myself love, even after Connal was torn away from me, cleaved from me along with the other half of my soul.

I'd learned to love. Even when I hadn't deserved it. Even after then. Even when I thought there was nothing left for me.

But now...

What if there was nothing left of me?

(I could never bring Arobynn back for many reasons. One of which being he was such a well written character I honestly don't think I'd do him much justice because ok he was definitely a bad person but he was such a good bad guy. Secondly... well I mean he's pretty dead and I don't think even he could live past that. Until next time xxx)

-e