How Far Love Can Take You? (On going)

9. The one with the past.

During the snorkeling, Paul was just always beside me. He would held my hand and protect me. At first, when I got scared of the fishes I would hold him tight but later on I learned to appreciate the beauty of it and I wasn't scared at all. That's because I'm with him.

Everytime when I'm with Paul ay nararamdaman kong okay lang ang lahat. Na tila ba'y wala akong problema when the truth is, I can't even think about my problems without crying. But at least, I felt peace. With him, I found out that I can feel the peace again. All this time akala ko wala na akong kakayahang ngumiti ng totoo ulit. Sa dami dami ba naman ng problema ko pakiramdam ko pasan ko 'yong mundo. They're really a great company for me. Yna, Z, and Paul.

We went outside that night near the sea. Nag lapag kami ng mauupoan sa shore dahil mag bobonfire daw kami. That night, I realized something while I watched them laughing. It's something what I want. It is what I'm looking for- the peace. By just looking at them, I can already feel at peace with the sea in front of us. Especially, Paul. I stared at him while he was telling us a funny moment that happened one time when he was so drunk.

I searched for my Polaroid camera on my bag and when I got it, I took a picture of them habang tumatawa sila. Yna and Z are both seated malapit kay Paul while I'm also near Paul so it was easy to take a nice shoot.

I was holding the Polaroid developed picture with a smile when I heard Yna said something. "Lagi mo talagang dala yan 'no? Pansin ko lang." Yes, that's true. During also my first day at school here sa Cebu ay dinala ko 'to to take pics ko sa school. It's for memories.

"Yeah. I wanna hold something someday that can remind me of a beautiful memory." I told her.

Paul went to me for the camera so I gave it to him. "Tara! Picture tayo." He said. We positioned ourselves naman agad.

We spent the night there at the beach peacefully. Kinuha ko yung lemon sa plato para paglaruan while listening to Yna. They have these kasi para sa iniinom namin at may mga junkfoods pa.

"Here. Take a shot." Paul said softly giving me a shot of tequila. Kinuha ko yun at tinonga. "They said, when life gives you lemon, get some tequila." I just laughed at him and squeezed the lemon into my mouth.

"I don't know what to do na. My parents decided to bring me here for my safety and wala na akong magagawa don. Kaya I'm here at Cebu studying and not in Manila." Yna continued, talking about her life.

These people talaga. All I thought nothing's wrong with their lives based on their smiles. But now, we're all the same. May mga problema din. Hindi talaga lahat nang nakangiti ay wala ng problema. Good for them, they can manage to show a true smiles despite of the cruelty of life.

"My mom and dad are best friends. Apat sila actually. My mom and her boyfriend. My dad and his girlfriend. They met during their college years. But nabigla nalang daw si mommy dahil ipapakasal siya sa ibang lalaki, a son of my Lolo's business partner. And guess what? It's my dad, my mommy's best friend. Mom had to leave her boyfriend, same thing sa ginawa ni dad sa girlfriend niya. They both left their true love for their families. Kaya to tell you all, never nilang minahal yong isa't isa romantically. But since bestfriends sila, close parin parents ko kahit fixed marriage lang." Yna said and smiled bitterly. Na miss ko tuloy si mommy especially dad in heaven.

"Cheers for my mahal!" Z shouted. Yna laughed with her tomato cheeks she got from the drinks.

"Cheers!!" We all said. The lovers hugged and Z kissed Yna's forehead. I sighed looking at them with a smile. Lovely couple.

"Ikaw?" Sambit bigla ni Paul. Looking at me.

"Huh?"

"Ano drama mo sa buhay?" He asked with a soft smile. That smile. Damn that smile. Iyan ang tipo ng ngiti niyang nakakapagpaginhawa sa akin.

Napahinto ako bigla at napa-isip. Kaya ko na ba? The last time we had a talk hindi ko pa kinaya yun. The talk we had in the roof top. Maybe tonight's the perfect time I guess? I heavily sighed and faced them.

"I grew up in Manila with my best friend on the next door, si Carl. Mag-kasama kami sa lahat ng bagay simula pag-kabata. I was the jolly type. Super hyper, I'll admit. Noong nag-highschool kami, I never thought I will fall for him but I did. I kept my feelings for damn years from him cause I have my limitations." I opened up. I sighed heavily and continue. "I believe this thing kasi na pag-kaibigan, kaibigan lang. Friendships have a line, if lalagpas ka dun kasi you want something more hindi kana makakabalik sa dati. I'm afraid that maybe I will lose him as my best friend at boyfriend pag-maghihiwalay kami. Ewan ko ba pero simula non ay hindi na talaga ako nag kakacrush sa isang tropa."

"Hindi naman siguro lahat." Paul whispered para sa sarili niya pero narinig ko yun kaya natawa ako ng mahina.

"Na in love kana ba sa isang kaibigan Paul?" I asked him. Nataranta naman siyang lumingon sa akin. "Hindi pa naman." He said and looked down. Nanibago ako sa reaksyon niya pero nagpatuloy parin ako sa 'king kwento.

"I have this admirer. He's so obsessed na umabot sa puntong nagiging bayolente siya." Huminga ako ng malalim. Here we go. This is my first time telling my dark past.

"Galit na galit siya kay Carl dahil si Carl ang parati kong kasama. He tried a lot of times already in asking me to be in a relationship with him but I don't want to hurt him kasi wala talaga akong nararamdaman para sa kanya after trying to like him. We went out for a lot of dates but wala talaga." I said and sighed.

"Galit na galit siya. Hindi ko daw magawang mahalin siya dahil ang mahal ko naman talaga ay ang kaibigan ko. Yes, he knows about my feelings for Carl." I smiled bitterly, remembering the past.

"March 13, is our second day in our field trip. We went to Baguio for our trip that time. Humiwalay mona ako sa tourism students para sumama kay Carl with the med students. Exactly 5 on that time nang matagpuan namin ang sarili namin ni Carl in a dark alley. Full of tall trees with a mountain view at the front. Super ganda don." I told them. Napangiti naman ako. Pero mapait parin. Tiningnan ko sila but they're just listening so I continued.

"Nag picture lang kami doon without knowing na may masasamang mangyayari pala. Carl excused himself para mag cr, just near us. Pero ang tagal niyang bumalik. I followed him on the cr and.... " Namuo bigla yung mga luha sa mata ko. Paul held my hand and squeeze it a bit. I looked at him and smiled bitterly with my tears falling down. He's just looking at me straight into my eyes.

"A-nd... there. I saw him t-here. He's lying on the floor with full of b-lood. My fucking obsessed admirer, standing on the top of him with the damn knife." I said. I'm so angry but I managed to say those words calmly pero matigas. For sure, fire's visible in my eyes now. That moment is such a hell. Suminghot ako at pinahiran ang luha saking mga mata gamit ang isang kamay.

"He was murdered because of me. My best friend's dead because of me." I told them. Humikbi ako ng humikbi. Ang sakit sakit. Ramdam ko ang pag-lukot ng damdamin ko.

They all went to me to give me a hug.

"It's not your fault, Gab." Yna said softly.

"I wanna think that way, Yna. Pero hindi eh, hindi talaga. Dahil before nangyari yun pinapapili ako ng lintik na lalaki na yun. He let me choose between Carl and him. Sabi niya, I'll better pick him daw. K-asi.. kasi.. may mangyayaring masama kay Carl." I said and humikbi. "I never thought his a monster. I never thought that he'll end someone's life for his wants. Tangina niya lang! Ang bait ng mga mata niya pag ako ang kaharap niya. Pero... pero... " I said pero hindi ko na naipatuloy dahil umiyak nalang ako.

"It will never be your fault, Gab. Hindi mo kasalanan kung isa siyang demonyo." Si Paul. He gave me a comforting smile and I just hugged him back.

To be continued....

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