never let me go

hold on

TW: self harm, suicidal thoughts.

//

X Ambassadors – Unsteady

"Hold on, hold on to me

'Cause I'm a little unsteady

If you love me, don't let go."

Harry was sat at his desk in his room, studying in an attempt to take his mind off things. Or at least he was trying to study. He'd just about given up when he heard the door next to his – Draco's door – open and shut again. He must've finally come back.

He debated whether he should go over or not. Would now be the right time to say something? He didn't even know what headspace Draco was in at the moment. He listened quietly for any sort of sign, but then there was a loud smash and the sound of shattering glass. That answered that question.

Harry jumped out of his chair and ran out of his room, over to Draco's door. He pounded on the wood, then tried the door handle, but it was locked.

"Draco?" He pounded again. "Draco, it's me, open up!"

After a few more tries, Harry whispered, "Alohamora," and let himself in. He couldn't see Draco anywhere at first but saw the bathroom door was open. He ran over to it and fell to his knees when he saw Draco.

He was sitting on the bathroom floor with his back against the wall. The mirror above the sink had a fist-sized crater in the middle of it, the glass shattering out from it and pieces littering the sink and the floor. Draco's knuckles were cut and bleeding, and he held a large glass shard against the Dark Mark. The edges were cutting his fingers, and he wasn't slicing the point but rather just pushing down right on the skull of the tattoo, causing blood to well up and drip down his arm. And there was so much, so much blood.

Harry carefully made his way over the pieces of broken glass until he was crouched before Draco. He wanted to grab the shard, but he was gripping it so tight Harry was afraid he'd make it worse.

"Draco," he said gently. "Draco look at me, please."

Draco raised his head slightly, and Harry could see how much pain he was in. His face was red and tear streaked, and his shoulders were shaking with barely contained sobs.

"Draco..." Harry put his hands over Draco's, careful not to apply too much pressure. "Please let go. Please drop the glass."

"I can't –"

"Yes, you can –"

"No, I can't – I can't do this!"

"Draco –"

"There's no point!" he screamed, and Harry felt his heart breaking.

"Yes, there is. Do you remember what I told you in the Room of Requirement? That you deserve the world. Because you do, Draco. You have to keep going, if not for yourself then for me. Because I need you." His voice cracked on the last word. It was true, he needed Draco, more than anything – and he couldn't lose anyone else. 

A sob racked through Draco, and he could see from the way he looked into Harry's eyes that he needed him too. Desperately.

"Don't do this," Harry whispered. "Let go. Just let go."

Ever so gently, Harry managed pry the shard away from Draco's wrist. As soon as he dropped it, Draco shoulders collapsed. Harry wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close. Draco cried harder than Harry had ever seen him cry before, great shuddering sobs coming in wave after wave. All Harry could do was hold onto him and ride it out, Draco clutching onto him like a life support.

Gradually his breathing evened out, but he didn't let go. Harry realised he was crying too, and he rested his head on Draco's shoulder.

"Please don't ever scare me like that again." Draco only sniffed. "Let me see your arm."

They reluctantly pulled apart, allowing Harry to inspect the wound Draco had made. It was fairly deep, but the bleeding wasn't as heavy anymore. He spelled the wound closed, along with the ones along his knuckles, and charmed the blood away and the mirror to repair itself.

Once the bathroom looked back to normal, Harry gently tilted Draco's chin up to get a good look at his face. It was still tear-streaked and his eyes were puffy, but he also noticed a bruise on his cheekbone.

"What's that from?"

Draco sighed, his eyes downcast. "I suppose I should tell you."

He recounted the attacks that he had suffered from a group of Slytherins since the start of the year, and Harry could feel rage bubbling up at what they'd done to Draco.

When Draco finished, Harry said through his teeth, "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"Because there's nothing you can do."

"Like hell there isn't!"

"If you go after them it'll only get worse, they have supporters who are ex-Death Eaters that would love nothing better than to see me dead." Harry tried to interrupt, but Draco said desperately, "Harry, please, just leave it alone."

He stared at Draco, contemplating the pleading in his eyes. "Only if you promise to be more careful, not to go anywhere alone where they might jump you, and to let me come with you if you have to go somewhere at night."

Draco nodded. "Okay. I promise."

"Good. We should get you off this bathroom floor."

Harry stood up and pulled Draco with him, but Draco lost his balance and swayed against him. Harry wrapped an arm around his waist and led him out of the bathroom.

"It's okay, I've got you..." he said as they made their way over to the bed. Harry settled him down and even pulled the covers up, then went to grab the water pitcher from the nearby desk. He returned with a full glass of water, which he handed to Draco. "Drink." Once he had drained the glass, Harry refilled it and passed it back. When he was done, Harry set the glass aside and sat on the edge of the bed.

"I'm sorry..." Draco started.

"For what?"

"I feel like I failed. I was doing better for a while, and I just... let it all fall apart."

"It's not your fault." Harry took one of Draco's hands and squeezed. "Okay? I'm here for you, and I will be the next time you fall apart, and the time after that."

Draco smiled and squeezed back. After a few moments, Harry let go with a sigh. "Will you be okay?" Draco gave a weak nod, but that didn't reassure him. "I... I don't really want to leave you like this."

Draco reached out and took his hand again. "Then don't. Stay."

Harry smiled. Though he knew that they were moving into new territory for them, he wanted to stay, desperately. He climbed over Draco and got into the other side of the bed, turning the lights off with a flick of his wand. They lay a couple feet apart, but between them their hands remained joined, until they both fell asleep.