Why You Should Never Mess With Cupid {𝔓𝔧𝔬 𝔉𝔞𝔫𝔣𝔦𝔠}

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“It was all I had, the feeling of pain, of hurt, of ugliness, for a long while, the need for revenge was all I had, it’s our deadly flaw, kids of hades that is, the pain, it's a package deal with the surname, but after a while, it started to die, doubts started to cloud my mind, and that wasn't something one should have where I was, you were to know why you had to wake up the next day, for, without the will, you might allow the darkness hold you forever, but my will was slipping away, 'He was so young' it whispered, 'Was she really even with you in the first place?', 'Either way, she'd have left you, did you forget she had joined the hunters', 'It wasn’t his fault and you know that’, every night that was what plagued my dreams, I couldn't function, and after a while, I stopped trying, every time I closed my eyes I thought I had passed, finally took hold of the hand that had reached for me, finally reunited with my sister, every time I wake up feeling nothing but pain, but then the voice returned, now whispering things I wished it never did, ‘You miss him don’t you?’ ‘Maybe more than her?’, ‘Was that what hurt you most, knowing that you could never see the one with the ocean eyes again?’ ‘Beautiful isn’t he, from his hair to his toes’, ‘Don’t you wish you could touch his hair?, would it feel as soft as it looked?, did he smell like the ocean his parentage gave him reign over?’ and then that was all I could think about, how he had saved both us, even though he looked just as young as bianca, how strong he was, how he didn’t flinch in the face of a goddess, how much I wanted to be like him, how much I wanted to be liked by him, but I knew that couldn’t happened, and I knew what I felt was dirty, knew that I would have been taken away from all that I cared about, forced to wear a pink triangle as a way of brand, I knew that I would have been turned into something even pigs would spit at, but it just wouldn’t go away, no matter how much I wished at that point for it too, and for a while that became my reason to wake up, so I could check whether it had finally left me, but it never did, always stayed, no matter what, no matter how much I reminded myself that he was the reasons I was alone, why my father wouldn’t look at me without wishing it was Bianca in my place, but it never left, it planted it self and it grew and it consumed me” he gave a little dry chuckle after that “Maybe the ability to be consumed by great love and passion was also a fatal flaw of the children of hades, he did risk a full on war against Olympus when he stole Demeter’s daughter as his bride, because how else would you explain how I could have felt like all I was should be whatever he made of me, why my mornings where filled with survival so I could see him again and get him to acknowledge me and take responsibility, and my night plagued with reasons why he should be sent into tartarus, I had finally gotten back my will, and it was just as painful, as hurtful, it was just as ugly and dirty, it was everything my last one was and more, for this one gave me warmt instead of cold, it took me through the winter, burning my soul, drowning my senses, till all I knew was what I felt for him, till all I was, was what the voice made me, who I thought could stand with him, how am I to part with that?, who am I?, from all that made me the boy I am now? What then is left? the sad child? The one that refused to ever leave? the one that watched in silence, the one that wept about the injustice dealt, is that who you want? the one that nymphs run from, that satyrs refuse to look at in fear that my presence would render them too unclean for reincarnation? was that who you want? I can't go back to that?, can't be that child again?, and if that means I have to leave then so be it, I rather die the man that said he had fought and aided in the completion of a war, I would rather die Nico Di Angelo, ghost king, lord and master of the unliving, ambassador of Pluto, than live without it, without that will”

There was silence, for what felt like hours the son of Jupiter did nothing but stare at him, he’d like to think he was processing it all, but he knew not to be so optimistic, he was probably looking for a way to call him childish, call him weak, call him selfish.

“What of your sister?” it was quite if he wasn't so close to the demigod he might have not even caught up to what he said

“She could_”

“Isn't she will enough?”

“T-That’s, I-It isn’t”

“You say nonsense about trying to make her happy, and then you say how much she wasn't worth living for? that'd you rather die holding on to feelings for someone who would never look at you that way, someone who is happy without you, you’d really leave her like Bianca left you, send her down the part of self-doubt you claimed to have walked? how selfish could you possibly be? how shameless?”

“I am allowed to be shameless, I should be allowed to be selfish for once” he really didn’t know when he started crying, but all he knew was he felt the liquid drop from his chin, "I am allowed to think of myself, I have done nothing but think about everyone else, what would Percy want? what would Bianca want me to do? Would Hazel like me doing this?, what about me?, what about what I want?, five years Grace, that’s how long I had did what everyone else wanted, and yet, when I finally do this one thing, when I want to finally rest, you call me selfish, well then, so be it, that is what I am, I am Nico Di freaking Angelo, the demon that was of the angels, the one feared by the dark and resented by the light, the one who had never grown from his emo stage, the selfish one, the one that wallowed in self-pity, the one who was shown that love was crueler than death, the one that took a statue cross-continent, the one that had only ever asked for one thing that couldn’t be given to him if it was not required, who had asked for nothing but love, who now asks…no who now pleads to be allowed rest, who like always would never get it”

The shadows clung unto his being like they knew his soul was finally departing, and maybe they had, how many children of the underworld had passed through their embrace, maybe they had all left just a little of their essence with them, maybe that was why he had never felt alone or afraid in the darkness, maybe it was his siblings pouring out all their assurances, so he let them take him away, hold unto him and take him where ever they wanted their final goodbyes to be, he tuned out everything, and felt the coolness rush through him.