Lie To Me

Simula

Let Go

Mumunting ilaw galing sa mga poste ang nagsisilbing liwanag sa madilim na parking lot area kung saan kaming dalawa lang ang naroon. Ngunit hindi ito naging hadlang upang makita ko ang kanyang kabuohan. I was trying to memorised the features of his face as if it will be the last time I will see him. Trying to be calm when in fact I'm so broken inside.

"Mahal kita," I said and closed my eyes tightly.

Afraid to see his reaction. Afraid to face the reality.

I opened my eyes, my whole body began to tremble as I looked at him and saw nothing on his eyes and my tears won't stop from falling over and over again. My heart is aching knowing I am rejected. I am rejected by the person whom I thought I could have.

"I'm sorry, you knew from the start who I really loved." He said, staring at me without any emotions visible on his face. As if what I've said was just nothing.

I nodded. I wiped my tears using my hand.

"Why? " I asked him.

He looked at me. Confused.

"What... why?" may pagtataka niyang tanong. Ang kanyang mga mata'y matiim na nakatitig sa akin.

"Bakit mo ako pinaasa?" tanong ko sa kanya sabay pahid ng aking mga luha na patuloy sa pag-agos na para bang walang katapusan.

Ang dami kong tanong pero hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula. Gusto kong malaman bakit pinaniwala niya ako sa mga bagay na hindi naman pala posibleng mangyari. Mga bagay na akala ko totoo pero ako lang pala ang umaasa dahil puro kasinungalingan lang pala ang lahat. Paano niya nagawa ang lahat nang yun kung wala rin naman palang kahulugan para sa kanya.

"What the hell are you talking about? Hindi kita pinaasa, sa umpisa pa lang alam mo kung sino ang mahal ko, kung sino ang nagmamay-ari ng puso ko at kung hanggang saan lang tayo. Don't try to put the blame on me because I just did what I had to as your companion..." he said harshly.

And just that, my heart shattered into pieces. Bakit ang sakit? Why does it hurt so bad? I never knew that this love could hurt me so much. But I can't blame him, I knew from the start that this could be our ending. That whatever happened between us, it will end up one day and I should accept the result wholeheartedly. If I had known back then, I would've free myself from this unbearable pain I'm in right now.

I step back trying to hide my tears and sarcastically laugh. I looked pathetic right now, but I don't care. I just wanted him to know how I feel. I want to let it out to lessen the pain. At tanginang mga luha to bakit hindi mapagod-pagod sa pag-agos, akala ko ba wala na, akala ko ba hindi na ako iiyak pa dahil sa kanya. But whenever I looked at him, I can't help it, my tears just keep on falling. I know I'm at fault, risking my heart into something impossible.

"How could you..." trying to be strong but I failed. I sobbed. "Ano yun? Lahat ng ginawa mo para sa akin, wala lang yun? Wala lang ba sayo ang lahat ng pinagdaanan natin kaya madali lang para sayo na kalimutan ang lahat? Were you just trying to find comfort in me? I'm just a fuck buddy right? At dahil bumalik na siya iiwan mo nalang ako na parang wala lang..."

"It's not like that, I just..." nagdadalawang-isip na sagot niya. Para bang naghahanap ng tamang sabihin. Words that could hurt me less I guess. But it's too late, I'm wrecked and no words can take away what I'm feeling right now.

Hindi ko alam, pero may nakita akong kakaibang emosyon sa kanyang mga mata. Emosyong hindi ko alam kung ano ang kahulugan. Pero agad rin itong nawala at napalitan ng kalmadong emosyon. Or namalikmata lang ako, dahil sa walang tigil na pag agos ng mga luha sa aking mga mata.

"Then, why? " nanghihina kong tanong. I felt so weak but I managed to stay still as I'm waiting for his answers.

Pagod niya akong tiningnan. "I never asked you to love me..."

Again, my heart fell. I lost for words. I felt sorry for him, I'm getting into his nerves, I guess.

But there's no time for me to back out now, it's now or never.

"I did everything for you... kahit sobrang sakit na makita kang wasak dahil sa kanya. I've seen you at your worst and I accepted everything. Every time you asked for me, I've always been there for you even at my bad days. Ginawa ko lahat kasi mahal kita. Kaya okay lang na unahin kita kaysa sa sarili ko. Kasi sa isip ko, maybe... maybe soon, pag nakita mo na ako yung nasa tabi mo palagi at makita mo ang halaga ko. Maybe, just fucking maybe... mahalin mo rin ako..." umiiyak kong sabi. "But that was just a fucking lie! I failed myself. Pinaasa ko ang sarili ko at hinayaang magpakatanga sayo..." patuloy kong sabi at napahagulhol sa sobrang sakit na naramdaman.

Tumingin siya sa akin ng may pag-alala.

"I'm sorry if that's what you feel. I'm sorry if you think I'm responsible for your pain..." he sincerely said.

"Tama na... don't give me false hope. Pagod na akong mahalin ka, ang hirap... ang hirap mong mahalin." mapait kong sabi.

Lumapit siya sa akin, trying to reach my hand. But I stop him. He stopped, he's now looking at me without saying anything. Umatras ako dahil baka hindi ko mapigilan ang aking sarili na yakapin siya. Tama na, pagod na pagod na akong umasa. I have to let him go for good. I can't let my love for him ruin my life completely.

Sabi nga nila; wag mong gawing mundo ang dapat tao lang. I put my everything in him and it caused me losing myself. Masakit pero kailangan at alam kong lilipas din ang lahat ng sakit.

Looking forward to the future without him makes my heart crushed into pieces. Memories of us keep flushing on my mind. Mga masasayang alaala na hindi ko alam kung paano kalimutan. How can I forget those memories? Paano ko makakalimutan ang mga bagay na nagbigay sa akin ng kasiyahan?

"You're just drunk, let's talk tomorrow when you're sober." He said as he started to walked away from me.

I stared at his back.

"Thank you, for making me feel this pain." He stopped and stiffened. "Just know, I don't have regrets. I can't blame you even if I failed myself, as you said, you never asked me to love you. I just presumed everything. I know... you must really loved her, and I'm just nothing..." trying to stop my sob. "I'm sorry for loving you. May you find your happiness in her. I love you, Damien. "

He never looked back, he's just standing there.

I started to walk away, not just from him, but from everything about him.

With that, my heart sank. But in that moment I felt I just made the right decision. And maybe, it's for the best, the right choice I should've done back then.

I love you so much Damien that it hurts me so bad. I hope someday if our path will cross again, there will be no more tears and pain. May we forgive ourselves and live the best way we can.