The Wish From Heaven | ✓

chapter 43 : but mom will never

T/N : Based on personal experiences, except I definitely didn't have any July or Edgar with me. I had a PTSD attack writing this.

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I'm not gonna come first this time.

The realization hits me much harder now that I'm just a few hours away from getting the results.

July notices it a little late. "Cedar?" He puts the book away. "Hey, what's wrong?" He crawls over to me, but I shake my head and squirm away.

My stomach starts twisting like a knot. My hands begin to tremble. I break into cold sweat. My throat turns dry. My breath gets stuck every time I try to draw in air. A pain emerges in my chest owing to the rapid increase of heart beat.  Within a few seconds, I turn into a cat on hot bricks.

"Oh shit shit shit." I grab my hair. An irritable restlessness grips my body. My vision turns blurry. "Oh no. Oh shit. No. This is bad." I keep muttering and shaking my head.

July grabs both my arms. "Cedar. Cedar. You need to calm down. Come on, buddy. Breathe."

"This is bad," I say, in a whisper. "I have never done so bad in an exam. Mom is gonna lose it. What should I do? July, what should I do?"

I can't believe it. Mom has finally started to warm up to me. After so many years, she is trying to love me. But it's all gonna get ruined. She is not going to forgive me for being unable to get the best grades. She is going to stop loving me again. She will get so mad. Oh God, rather than that, she will feel so hurt. How could I do this to her?

What will she do? Will she scold me a lot? Will she hit me? She has never hit me before. Maybe she will get sick herself. Maybe she will faint and it would all be my fault.

"No, no, Cedar. Listen." July gently rubs his palms against my arms. It is supposed to be a comforting gesture, but it only makes me quiver more. "There's no point in crying over spilled milk. You can't change the past. It's not a terribly important exam! It's not your admission exam or a job exam. It's just . . . 11th grade midterms. It's not gonna affect your future, and your mom will realize it!"

"No!" I scream weakly. "No, you don't get it! She will get mad, and then she'll get sick–"

"No, she won't. You see, it's not your fault you did bad in the exam. You left the exam and went out to help someone, which is very brave for someone like you who has to do well. I could have never done that. You just need to say that to your mom and she w—"

I keep shaking my head. "No, no, no. It won't work. She won't understand. She will lose it, July. She will think I'm worthless. A f-f-failure."

"Well, fuck that, then!" His hands move to my shoulders, and I finally look at him properly. "Cedar, you know what you did wasn't wrong. You helped your friend. You went to keep him company when he was in one of the worst situations of his life. That makes you awesome and brave and loyal and– and a really good friend. And no matter what she, or anyone else tells you, that fact still stands. Don't judge yourself according to how others judge you, Cedar."

My neck has started to ache from moving my head so much. I am sweating terribly. A throbbing pain has begun to spread along my leg muscles. I start to hit my thighs, but July grabs my hand and stops it. I free it from his grip. Putting my elbows on my thighs, I press my throbbing forehead against my palms, facing my lap.

"I can't do that, July."

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