Sush...(completed)

8

There is always a saying Good thing happens to Good people. But in reality it doesn't occur like that. Good things never happen to good people because they dont want anything!Whereas the bad ones, they are determined to do whatever they want and gain everything they look at. And they can do anything to achieve that. That is the basic line between the good and the bad. In this world of evil, either be a mixture of good and bad or be completely bad. I have learnt that. The name, fame, Mehra Chains and hotels everything was a disguise. The actual person camouflaging behind these materialistic success was a broken boy, a broken man. It took me eons to come to terms with my life, but I was not ready to share it with anyone else. THe very particular thought prevented me from opening up - "What if they run away from me? What if they break my trust? What if I end up being a looser." 

No I still wasn't ready to share. Not even with girl who makes me the most vulnerable. I kept mummed with my eyes locked on the ground. Shailza kept looking at me for a while, but then she sighed. She held my hands and squeezed them gently.

"I know what you are thinking Amaan..What if I hate you? What if I run away? What if I break your trust?..Isn't it?"

I looked at her, my eyes narrowed. As if she could read my mind.I opened my mouth to speak but the words didn't come out. "Let's just sit somewhere.." She said.

The veiw of the setting sun from the Ganga ghats, and the calm river breeze do act as a soother. We both sat in an elevated, marble platform beside the might river. Shailza was in the moment, looking at the distant horizon, the setting sun..And I was looking at her. Her long curled eyelashes and the blowing untied hair, was making her even more beautiful. The more I looked at her, the more dreamy she became..And then, I was caught red handed, looking at her. I could see her hiding her smile as her cheeks reddened. 

"Amaan, I  can't sleep in the nights. Those pictures haunt me throughout the nights. I am scared of any kind of darkness. And this thing that i have, my ability to connect with them, it makes me weaker. I am always scared. I show the world that I am strong, but I am not."

"OH please. Stop saying that you are weak Shailza. From what you said, I now know, That you stood up to your father. Against his recklessly stupid ideologies! You started a new life from nothing! And inspite of all of these you spread positivity. How can you not be strong? Honestly, from my point of view, you are my 'SHERO'!" I said. Shailza smiled wide.

"I know you don't trust me. You think I can't handle your truth. But I too know that I make you vulnerable, like you make me. Dont resist Amaan. Listen to your guts once. Let it out. Trust me you will feel better!" She said.

I kept quiet for a minute and then I finally decided to face the truth. And I spoke the Truth.

"My real name is not Amaan Mehra. It's Amaan Shrivastav. We were a small nuclear family, Me, my father and my maa. To the world, we were a happy family. But to us, we were the worst example of being dysfunctional. Every evening, my father - the famous drunkard of the world used to lock maa up in a room. She used to bang the door, scream just to escape. But she used to starve but my father just wont let her go! I was five, when all of this started. Maybe it happened before too, but maybe i didn't have the sense to remember. The first few hours, both of them remained locked up. But then only Maa. And as soon as the nights fell,my most miserable hours began. That man, who brought me to the world! He didn't see me as his son! That son of a bitch! He used me as his sex slave! Every night I was being raped by my own father! And it happened since the age of five. And if I ever dared to say anything to my mother, he threatened me to slit my throat apart. During the days, when he was sober, he still was a monster. Maa worked as a teacher. So she used to leave me with that man. Little did she know that the man whom I called my father was my biggest enemy! How could she? She herself remained locked during the nights! When me and that man were alone in days, he beat me like a vegetable with his belt. Without any reason! Just because he liked it."

"Why didn't she leave your father?" Shailza asked. Tears in her eyes.

"Because she couldn't. Nana and Nani were old school. They had to give a lot of dowry to my father- they even sold their house to meet his demands. And they clearly said to Maa, if she leaves his house, then Nana and Nani won't provide her with any accomodation. Because they won't accept her as their daughter. And with me, she never dared to roam homeless. That's why my father took the full advantage. This happened for years, all kinds of sex toys were applied on me, pain, bruises, scars were all over my body! Untill at the age of sixteen, we went on a vacation to Rameshwaram. Basically it was a forced vacation by my father's colleagues. It was then when everything happened! The first night it was the same. He locked my mother in the washroom while he started raping me.. But the second night, she escaped somehow. Maybe the door was unlocked or something..When maa saw my dad raping me like that, she went aghast..She didn't know what to do, she tried calling the police, the neighbours of the next room. But that monster! he forced her too! He tied her to the bed in front of me. And he did the same thing as well. I was petrified! My mother was being raped by my father. She screamed, she cried, she squealed in pain! Untill the man, weilded a knife into her stomach ruthlessly. And then his laugh! That evil laughter still rings in my ears! It was too much for me. I fainted. The next day I woke up, I was in a prostitute's kotha , came to know that man sold me for ten grands...The women there was really nice. They were the ones who sent me to the orphanage. My father's name was Boman Srivastav. And my mother was Avni Mehra. So I never use that surname ever again in my life! Never! That man killed my Maa! He ruined my life! And the last thing I heard from him was the 'TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STARS'! He was literally singing that to me after he killed maa! I heard him singing before I fainted!"  I took a deep, long breath. My fists clenched in the unexplainable anger going on within me..My eyes were red with pain and tears. 

"Amaan." Shailza pulled me for a hug. I coiled myself into her bosom like a baby, letting all my surpressed emotions, anger, fear flow out of my eyes..While she caressed my hair like a mother does to her child. The pain started fading out. And it literally felt good. It felt good to let everything out. 

"Thanks Shailza. I never felt this better in my life before."

"Amaan, I am always there for you. And your past never defines you. It's you who define yourself. And your definition is special. Tum mere liye bohot special ho Amaan. Kabhi na bhulna yeh." She said. I nodded pulling back , Things got awkward a bit afterwards. But it felt nice to have a friend who knew everything about you.

"You are the only one who knows this. Not even my therapist, Sofia knows the whole thing." I confessed.

"Then, what does she know?" 

"That I was raped in my childhood. That's it.." I sighed.

"So...do you know anything about..the man now?" Shailza asked. I looked at her. She was bursting with emotions. Her face was all red and cranky. As if she was the one who felt all the pain. 

" Few years ago, he was caught in a big scam. Everything about him came up. And he was arrested. He is in Saikat Jail now. No..I never contacted him after that incident.. He doesn't exist for me."

There was comfortable silence afterwards between me and Shailza. After a few minutes she finally spoke up: 

"Waise, jab tum aise gussa karte ho na, to bahut handsome dikhte ho!" She laughed.

" Haww! Flirting chal rahi hai! Tum bhi laal bandariya ke tarah dikhte ho!" I said. 

Shailza frowned a little and then we both cracked up laughing...