To Whomsoever It May Concern

Last Few Words

"Your dreams would be your normal when you'll live them."

you weren't 'Dear' to me, so . . .

It's pointless writing to you when I would probably never be able to see you again, but I guess that's the point, no? This letter has many painful holes and buried silence, unshed tears and distant fears, murdered moments and stolen friendships, blurry times and bittersweet lies, unfulfilled hopes and scarred promises that died in an empty space in my heart, which will never revive again. I hope you get to figure them out cause I didn't have the courage to type them down.

Honesty could be dirty, but being it is the right thing even if it means to kill. Let me kill you this one last time, you might thank me in the next life if we ever cross paths. But if we don't, remember me to God and I'll do the same for you. This way, you could be my hero or I could be yours.

Too many 'I love you's', and I said none that I really meant, guess I didn't even say much. What was all that? Journeying to the past would sure kill me, but guess what? It had already killed me, all those times I have fallen off the edge, when there was no one to catch me, when I'd let myself think that someone would be there, but there wasn't anyone. I had to learn to pick myself up. Every single time. So now I'm just a different person in the same body with a confused soul.

If I were to walk into all those mistakes I have made, no amount of sorry's could make it up to them. No number of words could replace them. Those broken promises hurt more than a thousand broken hearts, guess I did a number on them. From the Dome's breakfast to the college visit. I'm loving that sweatshirt dress I'm wearing right now that was meant for you but at the same time, I'm sorry. That super lame-exaggerated-girly get-together with our intoxicated colleagues would have been another nostalgic memory for you, but all it took for me to blow it up was a hurtful wish. Oh, and how can I forget about promising to drive you to my secret favorite place! And the times I have driven there, there were days I felt guilty for not taking you. You would have loved that place. It's beautiful to an extent that you wouldn't come close to what you are imagining right now. I stole so many of your moments and the only thing you stole was my heart. Kidding, you stole nothing but the time we could have spent together, although it was all my fault.

I always wished I had a heart, but then I remember I have to be a heartless. For everyone's sake but mostly for me. I guess?

Over the last two years, I forgot the meaning of light, I only knew the color of darkness. The shades of that phase killed me, only thing I didn't actually die. I was a proud selfish person, I was hopeless and miserable while I pretended to like every other person I met, I pretended to be happy, pretended to forgive even though I didn't, I pretended to act cool on the matters that bothered me a lot, I pretended to be someone else, I pretended to forget what really mattered deep inside, because on the outside no one did. What made it worse was that I expected you to notice, but I forgot that you saw me for who I pretended to be, you didn't see me for who I really was. I don't blame you, cause no one would have seen me, it would have actually taken another 'me' to have really seen me. Surreal, I know!

You were something I didn't have for a long time, then you were that something I didn't want to have for a while, then you became the thing I would never have even if I wanted to have you forever. What happened, why did it turn out this way? You were many things that I weren't. You were those things that maybe a part of me were, you were something that reminded me of a part of myself that died a long time ago. The reason why I never had to think twice to text you or to talk with you. The reason why I am reminded of you in the most random of times, the reason why I always knew your next words to come out of your mouth (did I ever tell you all that?). You were something I was never meant to have, you were something I was meant to lose. You are something I could never be.