To Whomsoever It May Concern

Nostalgia, A Dead Conundrum

Dear you,

Most scars remain, but forgotten. Survival through pain, without defeat isn't a win. It's an incomplete win, like a book with missing pages. You live to find life all long but you don't realize that life happens in between, you miss to exist in moments you have lived, what a fail, a true form of agony, killed by nostalgia, a dead conundrum. Know that feeling when you are in a mix, you don't know how to feel, whether to take in your smile and laughter or whether to cry out loud, or to just rip off that heart pounding in your chest?

When things were killing you, you had to live on with that every day. Survival was the only best choice. Your anger was choking you, you couldn't gulp down those burning emotions anymore. Your tears were making it harder for you to process the world before you, the people closest to you, slitting your throat with words behind your back. Funny thing, you can take back a sword, but never those words they had uttered. Your mistakes ruined you, their mistakes ruined you, not them instead, why? Pain was the furthest thing from betrayal, it stung harder, scarring you. When you thought you made peace with the pain of your past, the shame of your mistakes, the darkness of those choices you made, you thought it was over. But they made you relive them again, you forgot what was peace and what was the right thing, it killed you. What was killed more was the person you had become, the better you, after all that have happened, your mistakes which you have owned up though they weren't yours to own, you find your loved ones making those mistakes without even acknowledging it, if regret was expressed in a million words, it wouldn't even come close to how it was actually felt. The highlights of an idea, the blissful idea of changes and the supposed way of new chapters, you were overwhelmed, doubtful and unsure. What you forgot was how to place your trust in God who had already written your story many million times ago, before time had even begun. You forgot to endure patience with trust but also with hopes that whatever were to take place, it would be for the best, even if it weren't. You thought one day's happiness could turn into regret the next day. What you didn't understand was that this life is a complete test, let it be the good days or the bad days, the simple days or those thrilling days. Everything, every day and every chance was a test while you only treated the bad days as the tests.You are not your skin, your body, your race, your family. You are your character in all of them. You never chose the formers because it was He Who chose them for you, as a test or as a blessing. While you don't know how your heart feels exactly, sometimes you need those who you never wanted, because God knows the best.

How you choose to be or to act, despite your feelings, or the burning need to act out on them, you have got to choose to be right in the face of good, what you don't know is that it's the greatest form of strength and sacrifice there is. Your absolute trust in God and your good character are what would actually be the reasons you would find yourself at the summit in paradise one day, and smile because when you placed everything that mattered to you into the piles that didn't matter just for God's sake, it was actually all worth it. These days being just good isn't enough. Doing the right thing in the face of good is the change, the difference needed.

The things you thought you couldn't get, when you got them and realized that it wasn't about them, it was only the idea of it. Some ideas are just not worth it.

When time stole your moments, you failed your heart. You stopped to think only to feel, you let go of everything and everyone only to see what truly stayed and when you found out that it was only God Who did, your broken heart spat at you, you were always a fool to allow yourself only to feel without a thinking. Free will is a chaos the world would never agree to.

They said you didn't need a reason to love, but the only reason people love each other is for themselves. Love is selfish and the truth is uncomfortable, you keep running after everyone else's love while forgetting to love your own self, even a little. But maybe, loving others would finally bring you happiness.

Much love and happiness,

your own heart, keep me safe sometimes