I know nobody looks at this, so I'm going to spill my heart out.
I was put back on my Anti-Depression medication because I had 2 months of me being extremely depressed.
As I told u guys (or my one reader who ever u r) I had been dumped after a long 8 months-
Not that the guy was all that (because he certainly wasn't), it was my first real relationship. Which means my first breakup.
(Well actually I dated a guy- long distance- freshman year for 2 months. I reallllly liked him. Then he dumped me. So not actually my first breakup, but he doesn't count as much because I barely knew him.)
And first break up's are hard.
But to make it worse, I did something bad that costed me friends, my free will, and my internet access.
I snuck out...
When I was to finally caught, my parents trust in me broke. (And unfortunately to me, We had been quarantined. ) They took all my electronics, I could not leave the house for anything, I had to be monitored And my parents were moving me schools so my ex could not continue to ruin my life (hence looking my friends). Had I not mentioned that he ruined my life?
Manipulative, psychotic bastard.
What the hell did I ever see in him. He was 2 inches shorter, never washed or cut his hair (It was longer than mine and mine is past my shoulders!!), Barely brushed his teeth, his hygiene was a negative 1000, was as skinny as a skeleton and built like a stick! He Didn't know what personal space ment, he was Bully to everybody and all but legally molested me 24\7.
(I didn't know how to tell him to stop touching me and I was scared of what would happen if I said no. So it was basically molestation with hesitant consent.)
Anyway, after almost 4 months of being separated, I still have some small feelings. Mostly hurt and anger, but on my bad days I find myself crying and missing him. I hate that I miss him though. I fell in love with a monster.
I hate myself most days because I didn't have the strength to tell him to fuck off and dump his sorry ass. If only I wasn't a broken, naïve girl who just wanted to experience love, I would have my friends to talk to and not become depressed cuz I'm lonely inside my quarantined house.
In the process of my relationship, I lost some very important people, and I became a different person.
He hated when i hung out with anybody that wasn't him or his of friends he deemed okay. So hanging out with my bff was a no go. He h a t e d her and I have no idea why. Behind her back, her fat shame her and make fun of her sexuality. It made me sick that he would be so mean.
(But btw, T, if your reading this,I think your beautiful just the way you are. Don't ever be ashamed of what God gave you because, honestly, YOU SLAY! I'm jealous of your curves and your height. And, I'm glad you finally found out who you are and who you like. That's another thing I'm jealous of. You've already got life figured out. I love you, T. No matter who you become, or who you love. Just be you.)
Deep down though, We both know that new he was gay. Ya you heard me you dick.
Anyways X2,
I lost my best friend. I haven't had a real conversation with her, like we always used to have, in about a year. The whole time i was dating that douche, We barley talked. He took up all my time. In the morning, before school, inbetween classes, at lunch, after school and even when i got home at 5. He would blow up my phone, constantly want to face time and do all night calls. (And on weekends too! From 8am all the way to 6 pm. I spent all my Saturday's at his house. And my Sunday's at Church with him hitting up my phone till it died.) T and I had no time to be best friends.
In all of my sophomore year, We had 1 sleep over. How pathetic, right?
And when I say I changed into a different person, I mean exactly that.
Before him, I was a good girl. All A's, I met my curfew at 9pm, I didn't use social media, I never cursed, I took my medication, I went to church and never skipped, I kept my promise of being a virgin till I was 18 and I didn't wear skimpy, short and reveling outfits.
And then he happened. My homework never got turned in, my GPA was at 2.1 instead of its usual 3.0, I barely met my curfew and my parents changed it to 7pm, I had the works of Instagram, SnapChat, Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, everything. Church was the least of my worries. I broke my promise. (I Regret it) and I cut about 98% of all my tee shirts and made them cropped shirts.
So yea. Can you see why I was depressed? My life was crazy.
(I only broke my promise because he demanded me too. Nobody at 15-16 years old, should experience what I had to. I don't think I'll ever be the same.)
I left out allot of details and Info because I don't need that out there in the world just yet. I'm extremely ashamed of the rest of the information I'm not going to share.
I'm getting better, though. I'm talking to my therapist, I'm writing my feelings on my diary, I'm working things out with my parents (which is going great because I don't have to be watched while I'm on wattpad anymore, I have my laptop and Kindle Fire tablet back. Just not my phone. My parents and I came to a agreement that I don't need it and will be getting rid of it soon. Good bye social media! Except Wattpad. That stays.), And I'm cleaning my self up.
My GPA IS now a 3.0! I started taking care of my body again (when i was with him, I picked up his nasty habits of not taking good job of your body. Like washing my hair, Brushing my teeth, not shaving my legs, and wearing dirty clothes.). My skin is almost clear, my hair is growing long and luxurious, my teeth are closer to white because I scrub them hard. And I'm finally back to my tee shirt and jeans thing. I'm a Tom-boy of sorts. I like simple things. Simple fashion.
There you have it. My confession.
It's all over the place, but it's out.
Judge me all you want. I deserve it.
By loveys,
-Amber.
