The Beginning of Hope

Part 27

Elizabeth was taking a last walk around the grounds of Longbourn before her family piled into their carriage and made for London. She could not quite believe how quickly the suggestion of a visit to town had been taken up first by her sisters, then Mama and at last Mr Bennet, who was never able to withhold any treat from his family for very long.

Elizabeth's eagerness had been tempered by nerves. How strange it would be to visit London again, to walk in those same parks she now visited only in memory. How peculiar to be there almost at Mr Darcy's invitation. She could not have mistaken him. He looked directly at her, smiling in the most open way she had seen since their reunion, and had spoken directly to her of Mr and Mrs Gardiner. Of course he should remember her aunt and uncle and think well of them still, for he had found firm friends in the both of them, and whatever his feelings towards Elizabeth, he clearly remembered the Gardiners with fondness.

Elizabeth sighed, letting her pace slow. She still did not know what he had written in the letter he claimed to have sent, nor was she sure he believed her claim of never seeing it. How different their lives might have been, had the wretched thing arrived!

"Miss Elizabeth!"

Elizabeth stopped, turning to glance in the direction of a masculine voice, and saw the figure of Mr Collins hurrying towards her, his hand held aloft and waving.

"Miss Elizabeth! What Providence I should find you here!"

"In the garden of my home?" She bit back the retort, wishing she did not so easily feel provoked to sarcasm in the presence of her father's cousin. He had been hovering around her more than usual of late and she was less tolerant of his presence. It seemed to her that wherever she turned, either indoors or out, Mr Collins was attempting to engage her in conversation. She had learned more in the past day about Lady Catherine de Bourgh and Rosings than she would even from touring the place.

"Ah, yes. Quite, quite!" Mr Collins chuckled, and Elizabeth realised she would now be forced to endure another quarter-hour of his conversation for she had no means of escaping him. She glanced up towards the sky hoping for rain but saw nary a cloud and drew a long, fortifying breath as he arrived to join her. "And how do you fare this morning, Miss Elizabeth?"

"I am well, sir," she said, beginning to walk again and thinking, if they must talk, they might as well do it whilst moving.

"Good. Good, yes." He did not seem to know what to do with his hands, for he let them drop at his side, then clasped them behind him, then at his chest. Elizabeth tried not to notice his discomfort, but expectation welled up within her and she felt certain that there was some unpleasant interaction coming that she could not escape. Still, that did not mean she would not try.

"Well, Mr Collins, I do not care to delay you from your goal -"

"Oh, but you do not!" He swept down in an extravagant bow. "My dearest cousin Elizabeth, you could not possibly delay me from my goal!" His lips quirked as if he strove to subdue a laugh. "Because, if I may put it so plainly, you are my goal!"

"Oh?" It was not a word so much as a strangled exhalation, and she could manage no more, even if she could summon a response. She was too slow to move as well as to speak because somehow he had managed to take hold of her hand, clasping it in both of his so that she had no means of escape.

"My dear Elizabeth, I have not hidden my feelings from you, although I know you are certainly too modest to acknowledging having noticed them. I had hoped for more time but it seems fate has intervened and seeks to part us. I must speak now or lose my chance forever."

"Mr Collins." Elizabeth squirmed, trying to free herself and stop him speaking all at once.

"I know, it is as overwhelming for me to speak as it is for you to hear," he continued, dropping his head. "Let me take a moment to gather my thoughts."

"A moment?" Elizabeth cried, tugging hard on her hand and at last extricating herself from his grasp. She took two hurried steps backwards, putting space between them, and he looked up at her in confusion, as if she were taking part in some elaborate dance with which he was not familiar. "You need not. I shall save you the trouble."

"Trouble? It is no trouble, dear!" He smiled. "Very well, let us be adroit. I mean to ask you to marry me -"

"I cannot!" Elizabeth blurted out, wishing she had somehow managed to forestall the asking of the question and yet knowing there was no way out other than through the awkwardness of this encounter.

"You do not wish to answer yes at first. I understand entirely how disagreeable it is to appear too eager -"

"I am not eager!" Elizabeth said, hearing her voice and caring not how callous it was. He would not listen to reason and whilst she had no wish to harm him she could not spare his feelings and risk further misunderstanding. "I do not see how you could think so! When have I ever indicated to you I thought of you as anything more than a cousin and guest of my father?"

Mr Collins' mouth fell open in a look of abject shock that might have been amusing, had Elizabeth not been so embarrassed at his putting her in this position, to begin with. She hesitated a moment, unsure whether she had already said too much, caused too much offence - she did not truly think it possible to cause pain to such a man as Mr Collins, for she doubted his affection for her was borne of anything other than a solution to a problem. He wished for a wife and he did not very much care who.

"I think you a little emotional, Miss Elizabeth," he said at last, visibly bristling. He brushed at an imaginary spot on one sleeve. "You might consider your position, relative to mine. I offer to marry you only as a favour, out of familial loyalty...responsibility..."

This was too much! Having been refused, he now sought to insult her. Drawing herself up to her full height, Elizabeth spoke quietly, and with a finality she hoped would mark the last words she would ever be forced to speak to him.

"Then let me assure you, Mr Collins, you may keep your loyalty and your responsibility. I assure you, I will never marry for anything less than true affection, and if not that, I shall be content as I am."

Mr Collins smiled, but it was neither pleasant nor endearing. There was a coldness to the look that made Elizabeth shudder and wonder if she had misjudged her father's cousin. She thought him foolish and self-important, but she had not thought him unkind. Now, she realised he was capable of lashing out and causing harm to those who harmed him.

"Well, then, Miss Elizabeth, I advise you to welcome a future of seeing other young ladies marry and be happy, while you are left to witness it. You have had the very best offer you are likely to receive!"

With a sniff, he stalked away from her and away from the house, doubtless to work out a little of his frustration through exertion, and Lizzy could not be more grateful to be spared the immediacy of seeing him again. His word hurt her, but not in the way he had intended them to. She had had an offer. The very best offer and it had been rescinded. The fault may not have been hers, but that did not change the outcome. Even if she and Mr Darcy met again in London, would they ever be able to recapture what had once existed between them, or was it truly too late?

I dare not think it! she told herself, turning and finding a slow, winding path back towards the house, her thoughts racing a mile a minute. All is not yet lost, and if going to London may secure happiness for my sisters, why not for me also?